


Stars can't shine without Darkness

by crossbow_angel



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Domestic Violence, Drug Use, F/M, Slow Burn, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 12:00:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 52,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13658562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crossbow_angel/pseuds/crossbow_angel
Summary: Daryl falls for a bad girl turned good girl and has to learn about her and her new found faith and about her abusive pastSorry i'm not good at summaries





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my official attempt at a slow burn! I am very excited and nervous to begin this journey but I know it will be worth it! Each of the Chapters will be a song title that inspired the chapter I will put a link under it so you can hear the song

_“If we hope to heal from the pain we must Discover the cause”_

_Ancient Proverb_

 

Chapter 1:  Far from Home – Five Finger Death Punch

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r00yUkLDJsw>

 

Daryl POV

 

“Come on Baby Bro it’ll be fun” Merle teased as we walked out into the courtyard of the Sanctuary I shook my head not really feeling like going to a strip club after a month long scavenging trip, I scoffed to myself only Merle would establish a Strip Club in the middle of the apocalypse but I guess it did serve a decent purpose because at the Savior compound they used a re-designed point system to encourage everyone to work and contribute to the settlement. Everyone was given plenty of food and essentials for their family for no cost but you used points to get anything that wasn’t essential such as alcohol, tobacco, tattoos, women, and of course drugs  I doubt Merle could live without drugs and hookers I was pretty sure he was personally in charge of all the drugs that were produced in the Sanctuary and because the Leaders of each Settlement was in charge of what was and wasn’t allowed there and there wasn’t any law or police that could stop him. Rick and King Ezekiel weren’t happy about it but as long as it didn’t reach Alexandria or the Kingdom they let it go.

“Whatever as long as there’s plenty of whiskey” I sighed giving in

“Of course, there is! And all the free pussy you want! Courtesy of your big bro” Merle patted my shoulder grinning

“Just because you and Dwight are leaders here doesn’t mean every girl is going to screw you” I smirked I had miss my brother while on the road

“You would be surprised little brother, the ladies love ol’ Merle” Merle laughed

“Yea they just love your charming personality” I replied laughing also as we approached the other side of the courtyard you could hear thumping music coming from inside I lit a cigarette as we walked inside the whole building was full of smoke and dim lights, half naked women in high heels walked around with trays of full shot glasses and beer bottles several small round platforms that had poles in the middle going up to the ceiling  were scattered around the room in front of a small stage spot light hung above them so you could see the dancers as they danced and stripped smiling sexily at the men and women that sat around them in curved couches. Merle wrapped his arms around one of the waitresses that came up to us she wore a pink lace lingerie set, her fiery red hair pulled up on top of her head in a loose bun she giggled smiling as Merle whispered something in her ear pulling her close to him I decided to head straight to the bar as they headed to curtained off room

a woman stood behind the bar dressed skimpy black bikini she smiled at me coyly

“You must be Merle’s brother”

“yea” I replied gruffly

“My names Brandy, He told me to make sure you were takin’ care of” she handed me a silver glass and a full bottle of Jack Daniels I smirked at least he remembered what kind of liquor I liked “Is there anything else I can get you?” she asked leaning across the bar you could see her pierced nipples pushing against the tight fabric I shook my head taking a big gulp of whiskey from the bottle ignoring the glass

“No, go tend someone else I’m not interested” I told her venomously she glared at me clearly offended and walked away shaking my head I had no interest in a one-night stand with some stranger that was Merles thing not mine.

“Hey Darlina!”  Merle shouted coming out of the curtained room the woman still in his arms his shirt was now unbuttoned, and his jeans hung low on his hips the woman now had no top on, her boobs jiggled as they swaggered towards me fresh tracks visible on both their arms “Let’s go enjoy the show!” he exclaimed I snatched the bottle of Jack off the bar as he grabbed my arm and pulled me towards a couch facing the stage another long poll sat in the middle _Merle must have a thing for pole dancers_ I thought to myself as I sat down beside Merle “this is going to be good, Amber always is she’s one of the best here besides Candy here” he laughed pinching Candy’s nipple who squealed playfully as she pulled Merle too her chest I was thankful Candy Sat beside Merle on the other side of the couch I sighed turning away from them I brought the bottle to my lips and downing half of the amber liquid the liquor burned my throat and warmed my veins. A woman with raven black hair pulled up into a tight bun the sides of her head shaved to make it look like a mohawk walked up onto the stage her emerald green eyes met mine for a split second as she grasped the silver pole, Gotta get me some by Nickelback started to blast through the speakers in the club several of the men whistled cat calls and shouted other vulgar things “Let’s see that ass!” Merle shouted as she began her routine. Mesmerized I watched her skillfully climb and wrap her body around the pole stripping her clothes as the song progressed by the end she had nothing on but I shiny teal thong and silver high heels her creamy white skin shone in the spotlight I caught a glimps of two star tattoos on each side of the front of her hips Candy stood up turning towards the bar Merle slapped her ass “Sugar tits go get me a bottle of shine” he sniggered as she walked away shaking her ass “Whatcha think? She’s something ain’t she?” I shrugged finishing of the bottle “She’d earn more points if she’d let someone in her pants”

“Merle you’re a dick” I replied glaring at him standing up anger rushing through my veins “I’m going to bed” I added slightly staggering towards the door I wasn’t sure why his comment irritated me so much I knew he was just being his usual asshole self but there was something about that pole dancer that I couldn’t figure out.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Amber POV

 

It was 6am when the Club finally closed up to clean and get ready for the next night I leaned into the back of the soft couch closing my eyes I sighing exhausted the night had been long and tiring my back ached, bruises were starting to form on the inside of my thighs and ankles from multiple pole routines I dreaded finding out how my feet looked from wearing 6-inch heels for hours on end. I prayed Connor would be in a good mood when I got home I had earned a decent amount of points tonight enough for him to get his daily fix and hopefully some cigarettes.

“Amber get your lazy ass over here and help us finish cleaning the bar up” Taro the bar manager barked at me harshly groaning softly as I got up and headed towards the bar Brandy threw a dish rag at me a look of disdain on her face, I knew she was irritated after spending the night behind the bar and dealing with drunk men and their never ending request for sex and blow jobs, some of the girls gladly gave it too them for the extra points, Brandy was one of them and she loved it she hated being stuck behind the bar and not being able to have drunk men at her mercy dancing and grinding her body into men’s bulging laps,  I on the other hand would love to just have Bar duty unable to leave and having to direct the men to the other women but Taro and Merle both wanted me strictly on the pole and doing lap dances because of the popularity of my body and how men followed my every move I hated it I couldn’t see what they saw but it earned enough points to keep Connor happy and the happier he was the easier my life was.

I finished wiping the bar down as quickly as I could, so I could head to the dressing room in the back my white comfy cotton pants, oversized t-shirt and flip flops called my name

“Amber” Taro called as I started to walk towards the back he tossed me a small notebook that held the number of points I had earned that night and the total points that I had

“Thanks” I told him softly he nodded going back to finishing the other girl’s notebooks most of the girls were done getting dressed and gathering there things I was thankful that the dressing room would soon be empty I longed for the silence and solitude before heading home to the apartment I shared with Connor _please, please be in a good mood_  I prayed to a god that I wasn’t even sure was really there. Connor and I had been together 2 years before the apocalypse everything was amazing he was sweet, thoughtful, and loving I truly thought I had met my best friend and the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life  I was an only child and my parents both passed away a few years ago from a fatal car accident Conner had helped me through it when I fell into a deep depression and stood by my side making me fall deeper in love with him but all that ended when the world went to shit Connor’s whole family his mom, dad, and brother were ripped apart by walkers as they tried to flee to a refugee center that was set up in a nearby town Conner and I were the only ones to get away and that’s when he become someone else he started drinking heavily and taking his anger out on me  we found the Sanctuary 2 years ago they were rebuilding after a war between the 3 communities when the renovations were done and the community started thriving  is when he found Meth and soon became an addict and I was stuck with no choice to stay I had no where to go my family was long gone, I had no friends because Connor fists made sure to never let the thought of making friends cross my mind.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

It had started to rain as I unlocked the door hurrying inside Connor looked up at me from the couch he was laying on his eyes glassy. Needles, spoons and lighters lay scattered across the glass coffee table beside him

“Come here” he slurred I noticed multiple empty liquor bottle sitting by the couch

“Baby, I’m tired” pleading with him all I wanted was a hot shower too soothe my aching muscles and to collapse into bed.

“Now!” he shouted sitting up glaring at me. My shoulders sank in defeat walking slowly to stand in front of him “Point book” the order made me shiver as I handed it to him looking down I heard him sit up and start to roughly go through the pages “60 points” he spat angerly I could feel his heated glare I yelped falling to the floor as his hand collided with the side of my face “that’s pathetic, can’t you shake your ass better than that?” spit landing on my cheek as he grabbed my arm yanking me up tears started to roll down my face “Stop the fuckin’ crying, I hate that shit”

“Sorry” I choked Connor grabbed my neck with both hands pushing me down my back hit the coffee table with a crack

“Begging also pisses me off” he growled as I choked for air black dots started to cloud my vision his hands tight around my throat “Now be a good little bitch and go get me a gram” he shoved me off the table I gasped for air as I hit the ground, the black dots slowly disappeared Connor knelt and grabbed my face roughly

“You better be back before dark” he threatened his hot liquor smelling breath inches from my face I nodded, and he smirked enjoying the look of fear on my face, choking back a sob I picked myself up off the floor and hurried out the door.


	2. Lollipop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A special shout out to an anonymous author for being an amazing Beta Reader!!! Enjoy!

Lollipop – Framing Hanley

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lm5uym2lB5>

 

Daryl POV

 

The hot water felt amazing against my skin as I scrubbed the blood, dirt and grime off my body the last supply hadn’t gone very well. It had rained the entire time and had caused multiple mud slides revealing small herds of walkers everywhere making it almost impossible to get to anything valuable. But I guess they didn’t say _April Showers bring may flowers_ for nothing. I regretted not listening to Rick and going by myself. I was bruised, exhausted, and my head had started to pound to the rhythm of my pulse. There was a Council meeting in an hour that I had to attend but had no desire to go. I savored the hot water for a few more minutes before I turned it off and started to dry off and pulled on some clean boxers and black jeans. There was a knock at the door.   As I stepped out of the bathroom I glared at Merle as he walked in.

“You know your supposed to wait until someone answers the door”, I snapped sullenly, pulling a grey t-shirt over my head he laughed.

“If you say so, I was just coming to get you for the meeting.”

“Don’t need a chaperone”, I retorted sitting down on the bed and pulling on my beat-up boots getting up and grabbing my angel wing vest off a hook by the door.  “Let’s go.”

“You PMSing Little brother?” he teased as we walked out the door, shaking my head.

“Asshole”, I muttered.

“Aww did I hurt little Darlena’s feelings?”

“Cut it out.” I shoved him sideways giving him an irritated look. He shrugged and we continued to walk down the hallway in silence.

 

Everyone was already seated around the large table when we got the conference room that overlooked the courtyard. Michonne sent Merle a reproachful look as soon as she saw him. I knew she still wasn’t happy that Merle was still around and even more unhappy that Merle was the leader of the Sanctuary but he had proven his loyalty during the war fighting by our side against Negan. And someone had to keep an eye on Dwight because I still didn’t trust or forgive him for everything that happened in the past. And to be honest no one could deny that Merle has been doing a good job leading everyone and making sure the Sanctuary ran smoothly and had made it possible to produce things that the other settlements couldn’t, like different parts for cars and machinery that gave us the ability to work and fix anything that broke down, different bullets for guns, and even some electronics, stuff that all the settlements benefited from and everyone who lived here seemed happy. I liked Michonne and considered her family, but she would eventually have to accept Merle even though he made that difficult.

“Okay everyone let’s get started”, Rick announced as we sat down. “I want to first thank everyone for coming and Merle and Dwight for letting us use the conference room.”

“Yes, Thank you for your kind generosity!” King Ezekiel exclaimed smiling at Merle and Dwight, Merle choked back his laughter. Ezekiel had toned down his eccentric ways but some of it remained. I knew Merle only kept his mouth shut because of the fresh produce and meat that the kingdom provided for the Sanctuary. Even Maggie rolled her eyes for a brief second.

“So, the main reason we are here is to talk about an extended supply run” Rick started looking around the table; everyone nodded in agreement. “We have pretty much cleaned out everything 50 miles around us, so it makes sense too put together a team to go out farther and longer.”

“I’ll lead it”, I volunteered. “I have the most experience.”

“But how are we going to haul everything?” Maggie questioned.

“We could use the two 18-wheelers we have here”, I suggested. “It would provide the space for anything we find, and it would provide protection at night, we can sleep in the trailer.”

“But where are we going to find enough diesel?” Maggie objected again.

“That’s going to be the one thing that’s guaranteed to be at every gas station we find because everyone was getting gas not many people thought about diesel,” Merle spoke up. “You could take one of the big generators that could power a gas station enough to pump it.”

“So, if we do this how long should the trip be?” Ezekiel inquired.

“I was talking with Jesus and we looked at maps and he suggested we try and get to Kentucky because of all the Walmart distribution centers that could be a goldmine just waiting for us. And Kentucky because of the military bases where we could get some more artillery, be more prepared for anyone or anything that might threaten us.” Rick looked at everyone, his gaze resting on me as he spoke I knew he was mainly speaking to me. “I would say at least a year we have enough supplies stocked up to send with the team to last them that long”, he added.

“Rick that’s a long time to be away how would we know if the team came across a herd and became stranded or worse?” Maggie objected again. Her voice filled with concern and skepticism. Everyone in the room could sense her dislike of the idea of this trip.

“We could use the pigeons!” King Ezekiel exclaimed excitedly. His already huge grin gets even bigger. Merle couldn’t contain his laughter any longer.

“How the hell are fuckin birds gonna help?” he guffawed. Ezekiel ignored him.

“My people have been using homing pigeons to communicate with hunting scouts that travel for more then a week”, he explained. “Like in World War II, we could send some with the team and that way they can communicate with the nearest settlement.”

“Homing Pigeons”, Rick Murmured smiling. “That’s Genius! We’ll start putting together supplies and get the birds ready. Daryl and his team should be able to leave at the end of the month.”

“It’s settled then we’ll leave at the start of June”. I declared getting up. I was more than ready to be done with this meeting, so I could go to bed. No one objected as I left the room they didn’t need me to discuss the fine details. Merle would tell me later.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Rain pounded against the hood of my jacket. _What the hell am I doing?_  I thought to myself. I stood in the never-ending torrent of rain in front of the club that Merle had dragged me to a month ago. I should be in bed or mapping out the trip, not standing in front of a strip club thinking about some stripper who didn’t know I existed.

“Well lookie who I found”, I rolled my eyes hearing Merles voice behind me.   _Fuckin great_ I thought before turning around. I was met with Merles favorite smirk.

“I was just leaving”, I told him turning to walk back across the courtyard.

 “Aww come on little bro at least have drink with your brother”, he insisted. Begrudgingly I let him pull me into the club we were greeted by the same pounding music reminding me of my headache.

“One drink”, I told him firmly. He laughed as we reached the bar. I saw him roll his eyes ignoring the annoyed look I was giving him.

“Yeah, whatever.” The same bartender that gave me the Jack Daniels the first night I was here was behind the bar. “Brandy give Daryl here a bottle of Jack and get me the good shit that Taro just finished brewing.” Brandy nodded turning and walked into a back room beside the bar. “You sure you wanna do this year long run thing?”, he asked me as we walked to the same couch we had sat at a month earlier and sat down.

“Yeah, if we get a huge haul we’ll be set for a long time”, I replied. Brandy reappeared with the two bottles she handed me the one filled with amber liquid then handed Merle the bottle full of crystal clear liquid and walked back to the bar.

“If you think so little bro”, Merle mumbled taking a long drink of his shine. I shrugged my shoulders deciding not to answer. I didn’t feel like debating with him if I had wanted to discuss the trip further I would have stayed at the meeting. “I just don’t think it worth……”, Merles voice faded away. Her black hair was French braided into a mohawk ponytail. She had on a burgundy colored tight-fitting corset and matching G-string. Her emerald green eyes met mine, we stared at each other for a minute until she looked down and got up onto the platform in front of us. She skillfully started her routine. I couldn’t help but stare at her body as it moved gracefully up and down the pole. Unlike last time she had heavy amounts of makeup all over her body especially her face and neck. The thick foundation prevented her creamy white skin from shining as bright under the spot light. The two star tattoos on her hips were barely visible. I knew what she was hiding I had seen this technique before as a child. A hand shook my shoulder bringing me back to reality. “Earth to Daryl, hello? Damn it! Pay attention to me!” Reluctantly, I turned away from her and towards Merle.

“What?!” I spat at him hatefully.

“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you like that sweet piece of ass up there”, he teased grinning.

“Fuck off”, growling as I stood up. Leaving the untouched liquor bottle on the couch, stomping towards the door Merle hot on my tail.

“What the hell is your deal man?” Merle shouted grabbing my arm and yanking me into a room beside the door. I pushed him away.

“You know what she’s hiding!?” I shouted my face inches from his.

“Yeah, so what? Her old man is a dick, but that’s not my problem!” he replied carelessly.

“It should be”, I muttered, remembering how our mom used to use heavy amounts of foundation and powder to cover up the bruises after a fight with dad so that she could go to work and prevent anyone noticing or ask questions. She had become a master before the fire took her life.

“Why do you care?” he asked. I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t know why I cared. All I knew was that something was drawing me to her and there was no way in hell I was telling anyone, especially Merle.  “Fine”, he sighed. “I’ll have one of my girls keep an eye on her and I’ll talk to her old man.” I didn’t know if this what I wanted but it made me feel better, so I just nodded and walked out of the room, towards the door outside that led outside and into the pouring rain.


	3. Move your Body

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special Shout out to my Anonymous Beta reader!

Stars can’t shine without darkness

Chapter 3

 

Move Your Body – My Darkest Days

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnI3XFcaXkg>

 

I woke up to the sound of rain pounding against the roof. A low crack of thunder rolled in the distance. I slowly got up and walked towards the bathroom. My muscles stiff and aching, a hot shower calling my name before my shift started at the bar.

“Fuck” I whispered under my breath, I could cover up my split lip with lipstick, but my right eye was swollen and black and blue. There wasn’t enough makeup to cover it up completely. Taro would be pissed. My shoulders shook at the thought of getting sent home. Connor would be more than pissed and I doubted my body could take much more. Dark bruises covered my ribs., I would be stuck wearing a corset again that made it difficult to properly move up and down the pole and limited the amount of skin I could show which equaled to not earning as many points than if I wore a skimpy lingerie set.  That's what the men wanted to see, bare skin, ass and tits. Either way, damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Hot water streamed from the shower head as I stripped.

“Amber get in here!” Connor called from the living room. I decided to take the chance and pretend I didn’t’ hear him. Stepping into the shower a relieved sigh escaped my mouth, closing my eyes I savored the heat streaming down my body. A hand suddenly grabbed my arm, violently pulling me out of the shower. My head crashed against the floor as I slipped on the wet tile. “Bitch I know you heard me!” Connor hissed kicking me in the stomach. Bile rose up in my throat as I fought the urge to vomit on the wet floor. He continued to yank me up by my hair. I couldn’t help but shriek in pain. “Get dressed, go get me some shine and a gram”, he spat throwing me back down to the floor. Tears streamed down my face and I quickly wiped them away for fear he would see them.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“What the hell Amber!?” Taro glowered at me. “Can’t you keep your man happy?” he spat shaking his head. I looked down at the floor. “Go home, I can’t use you looking like that.”

“Please don’t send me home. I can work the bar. Put Brandy on the pole”, I pleaded desperately.

“Brandy go get dressed!” he barked. Brandy’s face lit up smiling. She quickly took off to the dressing room. “This is a one-time thing, next time you will be sent home.” Taro sourly snatched my point book from my hands. “Get the bar ready.” Sighing, feeling relieved I started to get the bar set up. Pulling clean glasses from the dishwasher and neatly placing them on the shelves under the bar. I then made sure there was ice, lemons, limes, an assortment of juices sliced and everything ready to go. I loved bar duty. I could make drinks faster than any of the other girls. My mind wandered as I worked thinking about the blue-eyed man that sometimes came in with Merle. Brandy had complained bitterly about him turning her down a couple months ago. I couldn’t help but smirk at the thought. She didn’t handle rejection well. His bright blue eyes watching me as I danced, made me smile I could sense the difference between him and his brother. He didn’t look at me like I was just a piece of ass, but an actual person trying to survive in this cruel new world filled with the undead and hidden dangers.

“Here”, a gruff voice startled me. I looked up to see Merles piercing pale blue eyes staring at me. He shoved a cold squishy gel pack at me. “Hold it to your eye”, he ordered gruffly. I shyly did so unsure how to act, the strange act of compassion was completely out of character for Merle. Merle was one of the most vulgar, foul mouthed, inappropriate men I had ever met. The chilly pack felt heavenly against my swollen skin the cloth it was wrapped in smelled like soothing aloe. He pulled a small jar filled with a translucent gold colored gel out of his jacket. “Lightly rub this around your eye. It’ll help with the swelling”, he added. His piercing stare making me uncomfortable.

“Thank you”, I whispered. He walked towards the office across the room. I quickly put the jar in my bag that sat under the bar. The noise of the other girls coming out of the dressing room pulled me back to get finished stocking the bar as the club would be opening soon.

 

The night long and busier than usual, but I didn’t mind. I quickly and efficiently made drinks and directed the horny men to the other girls. I even took a few shots with a some of them, the alcohol dulling the pain of my throbbing eye and giving me some liquid courage to be flirtier.  Tightening my corset so my tits were pushed up and out, the men loved it.  By the end of the night I was close to being tipsy, almost dropping my point book when Taro tossed it towards me. He gave me a suspicious look, I ignored it and headed to the dressing room to get some more comfortable clothes on. When I finished I grabbed my bag from the bar placing the now warm gel pack in it and headed towards the door. The sky was crystal clear, and the stars shined brightly. Smiling and looking up, I stumbling a little bit wondering through the quiet streets enjoying the cool crisp air before making the walk back to the hell I called home.

 

Loud voices shouting at each other caused me to freeze a few feet from the door of our apartment. Suddenly, the door slammed open I was shocked to see Merle walk out his face full of rage giving me a strange look as he walked by. Connor stood in the door way the look on his face caused my heart to fill with fear.

“Get your ass in here!” he snarled, grabbing a fistful of my hair as soon as I was close enough and dragged me into the apartment, slamming the door. I was flung harshly to the ground.  He was shouting. “You. Stupid. Piece. Of. Trash!” kicking me with each word he spoke. He pulled me back up to my feet by the neck of my shirt.

“What did I do?” I coughed. My throat was on fire as the alcohol I had consumed throughout the night rose and threatened to spew from my mouth.

“Running your fucking mouth!” His fist collided with the side of my face. I lost count how many times he hit me. Blood poured from my nose and mouth when he stopped. I was unable to ease the fall, and my head hit the floor with a painful thud my vision blurred, black dots floating in front of me groaning as I tried to lift my head.  “You are never going back to the club. I have plans for you.” I heard him snap walking out the door, slamming it behind him. I struggled to sit up, crawling towards the bathroom. I made it to the toilet just in time my stomach rejected everything I had eaten and drunk throughout the day. My throat burned as each spasm sent a wave of excruciating of pain throughout my body. When the heaves finally stopped I slowly stood and walked out of the bathroom, my vision swimming. Reaching into my bag I pulled out the gold gel, opening it as I sat down on the couch and started to rub the soothing gel on my bruised eye. Then gingerly started to untie the strings of my corset.  More deep ugly bruises were already starting to form on my stomach and ribs. When I was finished rubbing the rest of the gel on my arms, stomach and ribs I laid down on the couch, too weak to do anything else.

 


	4. She Don't want the World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to my incredible Beta Reader who puts up with my crazy 4am writing antics

She don’t want the World – Three Doors Down

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uxyNyyBEv0>

 

Amber POV

The night was humid. Sweat clung to my body as I stood in the heat of the night the short black leather dress. It stuck to my body uncomfortably. The four other women stood next to me also dressed in skimpy leather dresses. We all stood against a brick wall waiting for Jason to bring the men to look and pick who they wanted.

 My heart shattered every night that Connor shoved me out the door to Jason, who took me to the brothel deep in the depths of the sanctuary. During the days of the war were used to hold prisoners. The cells were now converted into “bedrooms” for the men to use for the night, or however long they paid for the girl. I no longer cried when someone chose me and led me into one the cells. I had learned quickly to not fight because I wouldn’t get one beating, I would get two.

The first night Connor took me to Jason I had screamed and struggled against the man who picked me, but the harder I fought the more the man seemed to enjoy it until I managed to claw his face with my nails. The man roared with rage and punched me before he stormed out of the cell. Jason and Connor were not happy and the beating I received from them was the worst one I had ever gotten.  The nights after being even worse. Jason had my arms and legs chained to the bedposts. Part of me died that day and I knew all I could do was numb myself after the night was over with drugs and alcohol.

Drugs, one thing I thought I would always hate, brought me the comfort I craved. Most of the men who came had no problem sharing and it made the night go better. I could retreat inside myself and into my mind blocking out all the pain.

The sound of Jason and the customers coming down the stairs brought me back to reality. Looking up and straight-ahead, arms by my side, one of Jason’s rules was that everyone must be in this position so that the men could “inspect” us.

“Jason, what the fuck is she doing here?” A gruff voice bellowed making me jump turning my head. I saw Merle staring at me, his steel gray eyes were like daggers.

“Conner and I have an arrangement”, Jason replied casually, walking over to him. “He gets a couple grams and a fifth every night I have her. She’s been a little gold mine since we beat some sense into her. My customers love her.” Merle glared at him the look on his face made my heart pound.

“Take her to my office, now”, he ordered.

“Sure, boss how long you want her?” A sickening crack filled the room as Merle punched Jason. Blood poured from his nose.

“She ain’t yours no more”, he hissed. His voice cold as ice. “This little “Arrangement” is over, you got me?” Jason nodded, grabbing my arm roughly with one hand while trying to stop the bleeding with a rag from his pocket with the other.

“Fuckin Connor, always getting me into shit”, he grumbled. We walked down a long hallway and up a flight of stairs. I had never been in this part of the Sanctuary. All I knew was that the higher ups and important guests lived up on this floor. Jason stopped in front of a red door, opened it and motioned for me to go inside. “Stay here”, he ordered then shut the door leaving me in the dark room. I couldn’t see much. Moonlight streamed through the large floor to ceiling windows that made up the wall across from me. A couch sat facing towards them a wooden coffee table sat in front of it. Walking over to the couch I could see beyond the fence I marveled at the beautiful valley it was a spectacular view. Sighing, I collapsed onto the couch falling asleep the second I closed my eyes.

 

Merle POV

“Damn it Daryl”, I muttered stalking across the courtyard towards apartment complex C thinking to myself. _Had to fuckin get a hard on for some damn stripper with a fucked-up home life._ The metal stairs clanged as I stomped up them angrily. I had warned Connor to stop beating up the girl or there would be consequences so when I heard she wasn’t working at the bar anymore and that she had left the sanctuary I believed it, figuring he kicked her out. Finding her in the Brothel had come as a shock seeing her battered and bruised filled my veins with rage. I had made a stupid promise to Daryl that I was growing to regret. But for once, I planned to keep my promise.

The door splintered as I kicked the door open and marched into the apartment. Conner jumped up gun in hand, needle still in his arm.

“You keep pointing that gun at me, I’m going to bash your head in!” I threatened as I raised my mental encased stump, walking towards him he lowered the gun trying to match my glare. 

“What the fuck do you want that you had to bust down my damn door?” He shouted.

“You lied to me” I hissed, his face inches from mine. “I found her in the fuckin brothel battered all to hell! I told you what would happen if I found her like that again.”

“So, what? She’s a piece of trash, why do you care?” Shaking his head, “Stupid fuck” I heard him softly mutter under his breath. Smirking, _big mistake,_ I thought bashing my head into his.

“Stupid fuck, huh? You’re gonna regret that”, l laughed as he stumbled. Remembering the finger shaped bruises on Ambers neck, I grabbed his neck before he could fall and started to squeeze, bringing him to his knees. I am relishing the sound of his gasping breath, eyes bulging out and the look of terror as I brought his face inches from mine. “I warned you”, a sick crack sounded as I shoved him face first into the already cracked coffee table, shattering it. Blood and glass flew everywhere as I started to kick him in the stomach repeatedly, pulling a silver. 22 pistol out I shot him in the back of the head.

I made it into the compound as the sound of rain hitting the metal roof echoed as I walked up the stairs to my office to check on the girl. Sunlight streamed through the windows when I walked into the door. Amber was asleep on the couch. Recent track marks in between her fingers. Sighing I pulled a fifth of whiskey out of the desk drawer. _Why do you care?_ Connor’s voice echoed through my head. _Because my dumbass of a brother likes her, I_ answered myself _and trying to make up for a lifetime of not being there_ I reluctantly admitted to myself.

 

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Amber POV

 

“What the hell Merle?! You can’t just kill somebody just because you want to!” Dwight’s voice woke me up. I decided to keep acting like I was asleep, so I could continue to hear the conversation.

“I didn’t do it for fun, I warned him”, I heard Merles gruff voice and the clinking of glass. “If anyone has a problem send them to me.”

“Yeah, so you can shoot them too?” Dwight retorted.

“Fuck off, before you wake her up”, Merle hissed.

“Why the hell do you care?” Frustration in Dwight’s voice.

“I said fuck off!” The sound of glass roughly hitting wood filled the room, then the sound of the door slamming almost caused me to jump. “Damn it Daryl, you better appreciate this”, Merle muttered. My heart pounded when I heard his voice directed at me. “I know you’re not asleep.” I slowly got up and turned towards his voice. Merle sat behind a black desk in a gray computer chair my eyes widened. Blood covered his shirt and arms, and you could safely bet there would be some on his pants and boots. He shoved a plate at me shaking my head.

“No thank you.”

“Eat”, he ordered. Obediently, I grabbed an apple slice and nibbled on it. “He’s dead”, I looked up in shock, speechless. Grunting, he pulled off the bloody metal cover over his stump, wincing slightly. He noticed me staring and raised it. “Pretty isn’t it?” he sniggered.

“Why did you kill him?” I asked, shrugging as he snatched a strawberry off my plate.

“Keeping a promise”, replying shortly. “You're leaving later this afternoon to the Hilltop”, he told me changing the subject. The tone of his voice warned me not to ask about the promise. “That creepy preacher from Alexandria is taking you, so you can see their doctor.”

“But I don’t…..”, he cut me off.

“Just do as I say!” I flinched at the harsh way he spoke. “Withdrawal’s a bitch, and you need your chest looked at.” I gave him a questioning look. “Your breathings off”, he answered. Unsure how to act, I turned and sat back down on the couch staring out the window. A deer with large antlers walked slowly across the valley. We sat in silence for over an hour.  “Get some rest and I will have one of the girls from the bar to bring you some lunch and clean clothes.” The chair creaked as he got up. The sound of the door left me in peaceful silence once more.

 

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“Amber”, my name being called woke me up I sat up realizing I must have fallen asleep again. Heather, one of the nicer strippers from the club, stood in front of me with a small tray and a bag of clothes. I smiled, seeing grey sweat pants and what looked like an oversized black t-shirt. Seeing my happy smile, she handed me the bag then turned and sat the tray on the desk. “Merle told me to tell you to eat first then take you to his brother’s room to take a shower. We are scheduled to meet Father Gabriel in 2 hours.” Jumping up, I quickly ate the sandwich on the tray and downed the glass of apple juice. The thought of a hot shower sounded absolutely amazing.

“Thank you”, I whispered. She smiled.

“You are missed at the Bar. The regulars complain all the time”, she told me, smiling. I couldn’t help but smile back.

“I miss you guys too”, I admitted truthfully. I would give anything to go back to the strip club and never see the pits of the brothel ever again.

 

Heather lead me down the hallway to a black door taking a key from her pocket unlocked it, I followed her inside. The room was spotless and bare accept a bed, a dresser, and a flat screen tv mounted to the wall. Heather pulled a towel and washcloth out of the top drawer of the dresser and handed them over to me.

“The bathroom is through that door”, she pointed across the room. Giddy, I raced into the bathroom, a huge grin on my face.

Heather was gone when I finished my shower. Merle sat on the bed watching a DVD of movie I didn’t recognize.

“Took you long enough”, he muttered irritably, standing up and turning the TV off. I looked down at the floor my hands shaking in fear. I knew that tone of voice and it always ended up with me on the floor. “Damn it girl, I’m not gonna hit you.” I flinched violently, his voice suddenly beside me. I hadn’t realized he had walked over to me.  “Let’s go.” I obediently followed him out the door.

 The pitter patter of rain hitting the roof broke the silence as we walked down the stairs that lead to the loading garage.

“When will this rain ever stop?” I muttered softly. Merle scoffed, glancing at me, his face unreadable.

“When we all drown”, he retorted. I couldn’t help but laugh softly. The feeling was foreign to me. I couldn’t remember the last I had laughed. Suddenly, my heart started to pound. _Connor is really gone._ The sudden realization hit me like a ton of bricks. My chest started to tighten, my breathing erratic. _Oh my god! What’s going to happen to me?_ my mind raced. “Amber!” a voice shouted as everything started to spin. Something caught me before I could hit the ground then everything went dark.

 

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

I woke up to something cool and damp on my forehead and covering my eyes. The sound of truck engines roared around me as my whole body felt weak. A wave of nausea caused a small whimper to escape.

“Shhh, it's okay. You’re safe.” A soft voice told me.

“Sick”, I gasped, trying to roll over. The damp wash cloth sliding off my face, a bowl appeared just in time as the small lunch I had eaten earlier came up in a painful dry heave. Soon after my body had started to shake. When the nausea finally faded a pair of dark colored hands guided me back down to what I realized was a soft stretcher. My head rested on a pillow. “I’m sorry”, I apologized as tears started to stream down my face. Fear of punishment overwhelming me. A bald, black man with a black goatee and wearing what looked like priest clothes, sat beside me smiling at me reassuringly.

“It's okay, your safe. We’re almost to the Hilltop. Dr. Carson will give you something to help.” His eyes full of kindness that felt strange to me. I recoiled, feeling a soft material being laid over me.

“Would you quit flinching? Damn!” Merle’s harsh voice startled me.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I asked him. My unexpected boldness shocked him. “Everywhere I turn your ass is there.” I continued suddenly extremely irritated.

“Damn girl watching you going through withdrawal is gonna be fun”, he laughed loudly. He easily pushed me back down when I tried to sit up to get into his face. “You better lay down, before you make yourself puke again”, he cautioned. Too weak from the sudden exertion, I let myself fall back into darkness.

 

When I woke up again, I was in a small room in a soft bed. My stomach rolled uncomfortably. My body ached and my head throbbed painfully.

“Well, well, Sleeping Beauty finally decided to grace us with her presence!”

“Fucking stalker. Why can’t you just leave me alone to die?” I snapped. Merle laughed.

“Can’t do that”, he replied.

“Fuck you”, I choked as I rolled over towards the edge of the bed. A trash can appeared just in time as my stomach spasmed painfully.

“Can’t do that either.”

“Merle, leave her alone.” A second male voice entered the room. “Daryl and the others just came up the road.” Merle laughed again when I weakly attempted to flip him off.

“Bitch has spunk”, he snorted, leaving the room. A tall man with short honey brown hair and a stethoscope around his neck, took the trash can and set it by the door then came over and sat down on a stool beside the bed.

“I’m Dr. Carson. How are you feeling?” he kindly asked.

“Like shit”, I answer honestly.

“You have 3 broken ribs and possibly the beginning of a lung infection. I was starting to get worried. You have been unconscious for almost 2 days. How long were you using?” I couldn’t help looking away ashamed at the question.

“2 months”, I whispered. Two months ago a man with long raven black hair helped me slide a needle into my arm to help me numb the nightmare I was trapped in.” Dr. Carson nodded.

“Well, it's good you didn’t use long. The withdrawal symptoms shouldn’t be as severe than if you had used for in a long period of time. I can get you some Zofran for the nausea and some extra-strength Tylenol for the pain, and if you need it, I have some sedatives I can give you”, he told me as he got up and walked over to a tall metal cabinet with a padlock on it, quickly unlocking it and grabbing a couple pill bottles, and a bottle of water. He then walked back over to me. “What's your name?” he asked, handing me the water and 2 pills. I quickly took the medicine from his hand still avoiding his gaze.

“Amber” I answered after a while.

“Well, Amber, I’ll leave you alone, so you can get some rest. If you feel like it you can come to dinner later this evening”, he smiled, getting up. “If you need something I’ll be right outside.” I was happy to see him go. I felt weak, struggling to comprehend everything that had happened over the last few days. Connor was dead, I was alone with no friends or family, in a strange community that I knew nothing about. Merle being the last person on earth that  would have any thought towards my health and safety, I still had no idea why he had a sudden interest in me. I felt sad that I would probably never see the mesmerizing gaze of the blue eyed man.

 

 


	5. Hallelujah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special shout out to my Beta Reader!  
> I do not own anything Walking Dead or the Song Halleluja

Stars can’t shine without Darkness

Chapter 5

 

Hallelujah

 <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbO6P-_Zx0Y>

 

Daryl POV

 

“Open the gates!” A Hilltop guard shouted as we reached the gate I put the truck in gear as the large wooden doors creaked open the 3 Large 18 Wheelers barely fit into the Hilltops newly expanded compound. Under Maggie’s leadership the hilltop had truly prospered there were now actual houses instead of small metal trailers The Barrington House was now the towns community center and where guests could stay I saw Merle swagger out of one of the houses the Metal casing on his stump shined in the sunlight I still felt a twinge of guilt every time I saw it. The whole settlement buzzed with excitement and nervous energy

“Baby Bro!” Merle called motioning me to come towards him I glanced at Rick beside me wanting to make sure he didn’t need me to do anything before I took off there was so much that needed to be done for the Dinner and final preparations for the start of the year long trip dubbed the “Long Haul”  I had chosen Abraham and Sasha from Alexandrea, Ashley from the Sanctuary, and Kaden from the Kingdom to be a part of the team I felt confident that we would be able to pull this off.

“Go on, don’t worry about anything we got this you take the night off, you have got a long year ahead of you starting tomorrow” he told me smiling

“Thanks” I replied returning the smile before heading over to Merle who leaned against the hood of a truck sulking

“Really? Had to ask Officer Friendly permission before you could come see your own flesh in blood” he criticized

“Really? You know how much shit there is to do to prepare for tonight and tomorrow, what are you doing here anyway?” I chastised him his childish ways irritating me

“Saving that damn piece of tail, you got a hard on for” he retorted pointing towards the house that he can came out of

“What!?” I exclaimed confused then it hit me _the girl from the club_ my eyes widened in concern “What happened? Is she okay?” Merle laughed

“Damn Darlina, you don’t even know her fuckin name and your acting like her damn momma” he snorted

“Damn it, Merle!” I snapped Merle raised his hand in fake surrender

“She’s fine, I found her in a brothel strung out and beat all to hell, brought her here to see Carson” he told me still sniggering “Ya’lls creepy preacher seemed interested in taking her to Alexandria, you know how they like rescuing broken souls” he added I shook my head my thoughts racing I didn’t know how to feel. guilt? Worry? Relief? Overwhelmed I started walking towards the caravan “Really? I waste my time and you walk away” his voice bellowed behind me

“Go to hell!” I shouted over my shoulder.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Amber POV

The night air felt cold against my skin as I followed Dr. Carson towards a large brick mansion I couldn’t help but marvel at its beauty this whole place was amazing it was the opposite of the Sanctuary everything smelled clean, earthy and refreshing in my lungs I stopped looking up at the sky a soft smile formed on my face seeing the sparkling stars above I wished I could stare at them forever

“Amber” Dr. Carson’s soft voice broke my thoughts bringing me back to reality he smiled warmly back at me “Let’s get you inside and sat down a good meal will help with the shakes” glancing down I hadn’t realized my hands had started to shake and twitch I wrapped my arms around my stomach to try and stop it “Its okay” Carson reassured me gently wrapping his arm around my shoulders and guided me up the stairs of the mansion you could hear soft music and laughter inside causing my heart to pound nervously

“I can’t. I can’t do this” I started to stutter the door abruptly opening causing the words to freeze in my throat as my eyes stared into the bright piercing blue eyes that I thought I would never see again

“Amber its okay, this is Daryl he’s a friend” Carson told me in a comforting voice _Daryl so that’s his name_ I thought to myself “Daryl, this is Amber” He introduced me Daryl nodded and walked past us

“Daryl is a man of few words so take no offence he’s like that towards everyone, Hi my names Jesus” said a man with long brown hair who I hadn’t noticed was standing on the porch

“Amber” I replied “nice to meet you” I added Jesus smiled

“Nice to meet you also, they just finished saying grace, Maggie said you can eat in her office if you get uncomfortable in the dining room” he replied

“Thank you, Jesus” Dr. Carson said guiding me inside, the house smelled amazing I felt my stomach growl I hadn’t realized how hungry I truly was the inside of the mansion was gorgeous I couldn’t help but marvel at the paintings on the walls as we walked down a hallway into a large dining room  everyone sat around a long table full of food bowls of Green Beans, mashed potatoes, Corn bread, and fried chicken. the room suddenly fell into silence when we walked in I could feel everyone staring at me I woman sat at the head of the table with an infant in her arms smiled at me warmly

“You must be Amber, I’m Maggie” she said warmly I nodded speechless a man with black hair got up and pulled the empty seat that was beside him out for me to sit on, shyly I sat down

“Thank you” I told him softly

“Your welcome, I’m Rick, This is Carl” He nodded towards a young teen across the table an eyepatch covered his left eye

“Hi” a toddler in a highchair sat beside him babbling a playing with her food happily “That’s Judith” he added seeing me looking at her

“I’m Carol” I older woman with short gray hair spoke up giving me a smile I was surprised at everyone’s welcoming gaze as they all started to introduce themselves

“I’m Michonne” said a Dark-skinned woman who sat beside Rick, Rick’s hand rested in hers on her leg  she handed me a bowl of Green Beans I scooped some generously onto my plate another young woman who had been introduced as Enid passed me a bowl of Mashed Potatoes

“I’m Sasha and this is Abraham” I another dark-skinned woman that sat across the table a man with flaming orange hair and handlebar mustache sat beside her he nodded shoving a piece of Corn Bread into his mouth Sasha took the bowl from me and handed me the bowl of Chicken my eyes lit up seeing the golden brown chicken, Fried chicken had been one of my favorite food before the end of the world It had been years since I had, had some I placed some on my plate and immediately started ribbing the juicy white meat off the bone I almost moaned out loud as I greedily ate the room filled with conversations the atmosphere fell warm and cozy I felt myself start to relax and by the end of the night I had joined in talking and getting to know the others and learning about the yearlong trip that Daryl was leading I longed to learn more about him but was too afraid to ask not wanting to answer any questions as to why I wanted to know more about it _yea I saw him while I was doing a poll dancing routine at a strip club working so that I could earn points for my drug addicted boyfriend who Merle killed after he found me in a brothel_ that was not a conversation I wanted to have.

 

After dinner was over I helped Maggie and Carol clean up taking dirty dishes into the kitchen and placing them in the sink filled with soapy water I started to wash them

“Thank you, Amber” Maggie said as she gently sat the last plate on the counter beside me I shrugged

“it’s the least I could do, thank you for the amazing meal” I told her gratefully

“I talked to Dr. Carson” She said after a minute of silence my hands froze almost dropping the plate in my hand she must have sensed my shame and fear “Don’t worry only me and Rick know what happened in the Sanctuary we understand and don’t judge you” she quickly added my heart slowly stopped pounding  “Merle has surprisingly been quite protective of you and we were all very shocked when he brought you here” I scoffed placing the plate I had finished washing in the drying rack

“He’s been my shadow since he found me, I don’t know why he’s shown such an interest in me, probably because I was one of his best strippers and he wants me back on the pole” I sighed and shook my head I knew that’s probably what would happen to me not that I minded stripping was heaven compared to the Brothel

“You know you don’t have to go back” Maggie interrupted my thoughts I looked at her surprised “You could stay here or go to Alexandria”

“I don’t have any skills except stripping and I used to play piano before the world ended” I confessed both were useless skills Maggie’s eyes lit up

“Rick and Father Gabriel have been talking about starting a music program in Alexandria for a while now but haven’t been able to find anyone with any musical skills” She said her voice full of happiness “King Ezekiel has one established in the kingdom and everyone seems to really enjoy it especially the kids and some of the teenagers!” my eyes widened at her excitement

“You want an ex stripper and junkie teaching kid’s music?” I asked skeptically she nodded

“Everyone has had to do things that they aren’t proud of to survive that’s nothing to be ashamed about” She said seriously tears started to stream down my face I didn’t know how to feel so many emotions were bombarding me, they all felt foreign and I didn’t know how to react to them.  Maggie wrapped me in a hug “it’s okay” she soothed as my tears turned into sobs she held me until I was able to calm down

“I don’t know what to say” I sniffled

“You don’t have to say anything, I have something to show you that I think you’ll like” Maggie replied I followed her out of the kitchen into a huge office down the hall Large windows sat behind a dark mahogany desk my eyes widened when I saw a baby grand piano sitting across the room

“Wow” I whispered slowly walking over to it my hands glided across the smooth surface my heart beat happily before the walkers I had played and sang in local clubs just for fun I loved the feeling of getting lost in a song and feeling the music move you. Before I knew it, I was sitting on the leather bench my fingers gliding over the polished black and white keys

 _I'd heard there was a secret chord_  
That David played and it pleased the Lord  
But you don't really care for music, do you?  
Well, it goes like this  
The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift  
The baffled king composing Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

My voice shook at first but as I let myself get lost into the song I felt my voice grow stronger until I fully let go the room fading around me

 

 _Well, your faith was strong but you needed proof_  
You saw her bathing on the roof  
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew ya  
She tied you to the kitchen chair  
She broke your throne and she cut your hair  
And from your lips, she drew the Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

 _Well baby, I've been here before_  
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor  
I used to live alone before I knew ya  
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch  
And love is not a victory march  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I was back in my parents living room sitting on the beat up old wooden bench in front of my black stained upright piano playing softly, my mom sat on the couch humming along to the hymn I was playing while she knitted another blanket for the clothing pantry at church, my dad reading a book in his beat up old blue recliner that he refused to give up claiming that they were best friends. I was a colicky baby the first few months after I was born and the only place I would calm down would be on my dad’s chest in that recliner.

 _Well, maybe there's a God above_  
But all I've ever learned from love  
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya  
And it's not a cry that you hear at night  
It's not somebody who's seen the light  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

 _Hallelujah, Hallelujah_  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah  
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

“That was beautiful” A voice said behind me jerking me back to reality I turned around to see Rick and the black preacher from the truck standing beside Maggie tears shown in her eyes

“That was absolutely gorgeous” I looked down bashfully feeling the color rise in my cheeks

“Thank you” I whispered I had forgotten how much I had truly missed playing and how happy it made me feel getting up I walked over to them

“I was telling Amber how you and Rick were looking for a music teacher” Maggie said Father Gabriel looked at me his eyes shining hopefully

“I truly hope you consider it your voice and playing are beautiful”

“Amber I’m sure Maggie has told you this, but you don’t have to go back to the Sanctuary” Rick spoke up

“But what about Merle I’m sure he’s expecting me to go back with him?” I asked unsure my heart longed for a fresh start away from the Sanctuary

“I will handle Merle; don’t you worry about him” Rick told me reassuringly placing his hand on my shoulder “Your probably exhausted I will walk with you to Dr. Carson’s house, he was looking for you he wants to give you some antibiotics for your chest before I show you to your room” he added I nodded I was feeling tired the exertion of the evening taking its toll on me.

 

I looked up at the stars once more as I followed Rick out of the house he stood with me letting me star gaze for a little bit before we continued to Dr. Carson’s house

“Amber, I’m happy see you looking more relaxed” he commented when he opened the door I followed him inside into the room I had woken up in. He unlocked the metal cabinet that he had gotten medicine for me previously “here is some Rocephin for your chest it should help your breathing” he told me handing me two white pills and a bottle of water “here is some extra-strength Tylenol and Zofran in case you get nauseous” he added handing me two prescription bottles

“Thank you” I replied he nodded

“Now try and get some rest, Rick will show you to your room” he ordered kindly

 

Rick was talking to Merle when I walked outside, Merle smirked at me

“Look at miss sunshine making friends” He sneered I rolled my eyes I was getting used to his sarcasm

“What do you want?” I asked him to match his sarcastic tone

“Officer Friendly here is telling me your thinking bout going to Alexandria to teach music” he stated

“Yea, so what?” I asked

“Merle...” Rick warned his voice low

“Don’t get your panties in a bunch Ranger Rick, I don’t give two shits what she does” Merle retorted

“Then why are you here?” Rick asked getting frustrated

“Just letting Sugar tits here know that I’m leaving in the morning, so she has until then to make up her mind” he explained I nodded he snorted turning to walk off “If you change your mind, I ain’t fetching your ass” he called over his shoulder Rick shook his head

“I will never understand how Daryl does it” he commented I shrugged not sure what to say truthfully I didn’t mind Merle I couldn’t help but feel grateful he had gotten me away from Connor and I was now being given a chance for a new start I suspected he was all bark and no bite maybe that’s what Daryl saw but I doubted I would ever know I had overheard at Dinner that he was going to be leading the yearlong trip and showing  no interest in even talking to me when Dr. Carson introduced us maybe I had imagined the whole thing what I needed to do now was focus on what was being offered to me and put him behind me.

 

 

 

 


	6. Jesus take the Wheel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to let everyone know there will be religious content in the second half and in the next chapter that I hope will have finished in a day or two

Stars can’t shine without Darkness

Chapter 6

Jesus take the wheel – Carrie Underwood

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lydBPm2KRaU&index=1&list=PLFvRst79WYWYbIWRNOS1X_W49hW2ym4IZ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lydBPm2KRaU&index=1&list=PLFvRst79WYWYbIWRNOS1X_W49hW2ym4IZ)

 

 

“Be safe” Carol told Abraham and Sasha as she gave them big hugs

“Don’t worry we will. Its Daryl you’ll have to worry about” Sasha replied glancing at Daryl who stood with Rick beside the lead truck deep in conversation I couldn’t help but stare at him the serious expression on his face my mind went back to the club remembering his bright blue eyes

“Amber!” Merles voice broke my thoughts turning towards his voice he stood beside a green army jeep motioning for me to come over

“Freakin’ stalker” I muttered my eyes narrowing in irritation walking over to him “What do you want?” scoffing

“Just makin sure this is what you want” he replied scoffing

“Why do you even care? Seriously you’re the most rude, vulgar disturbing man I have every met, yet, you rescued me from the brothel and killed Connor so, what’s your deal?” I asked angry and frustrated his face grew serious

“Like I said before I’m keeping a promise” he replied gazing past me I turned around too see what he was looking at I was shocked to see him looking at Daryl who was now helping load the pigeons into one of the trucks with Rick

“No fucking way, you’re lying” I said in disbelief

“Believe what you want Darlin, once I leave your Ranger Rick’s problem” Merle Called after me as I marched over towards Daryl

“Hey!” I called out boldly

“what?” Daryl grunted as I approached him _shit maybe this wasn’t such a good idea_ I thought all my words stuck in my throat seeing his bright blue eyes staring into mine “You gonna talk or what?”  hearing Merles hysterical laughter behind me reminded me of the frustration I was feeling

“Did you make Merle promise you to look after me?” I asked him his faced darkened in irritation

“No, Merle likes to fuck with people” He answered bitterly slamming the door to the truck and stalked away a mixture of sadness and anger filled my veins tears threatening to fall I whirled around rushing up to Merle

“You are a fucking Bastard!” I shouted at him my face inches from his

“You better back up” he warned me his voice low and dangerous I didn’t know where the boldness came from maybe it was the drugs Dr. Carson was giving me, but I didn’t care I liked this feeling the taste of wanting to fight and stand up for myself felt amazing

“What are you gonna do, hit me?” I challenged I knew what was coming and I was ready for it

“Bitch…” he started but was interrupted

“Merle!” Ricks voice rang out across the yard as he jogged over to us Daryl a few behind

“Get the hell away from her!” Daryl shouted reaching us first he grabbed my arm and pulled me behind him

“Bro you better figure out what the fuck you’re doing real quick! Cause I’m not taking shit from your little hard on” Merle spat his and Daryl’s face inches from each other

“You don’t know what the hell your talking about” Daryl hissed

“yea the fuck I do, now get the hell out of my face before I kick your teeth in” Merle threatened

“Both of you calm the hell down” Rick interrupted trying to be the cool head in the situation

“Fine, but she’s your problem now little brother” Merle shoved Daryl away and stomped off

“Daryl, take Amber into the house” Rick ordered following Merle

“Come on” Daryl muttered

“I didn’t mean to start shit between you and him” I told him feeling guilty I hadn’t been prepared for anyone to come to my defense no one had ever done that before.

“Surprised you had the balls to do that” he muttered pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket offering me one I accepted happily “Don’t do it again though, you got lucky if Rick hadn’t yelled he would’ve knocked you on your ass” He added lighting his cigarette then handed me the lighter I scoffed as I lit mine and taking a long drag

“Not like it hasn’t happened before” I sighed exhaling the nicotine filled smoke “Not Merle someone else” I added quickly seeing a dark look flash onto Daryl’s face

“Better not have, look, I saw the covered-up bruises last time I saw you a told Merle to look into it, that’s it” he told me seriously

“Thank you” I whispered feeling my heart sink a little bit we stopped at the steps of the Mansion

“Your welcome, take Rick’s and Gabriel’s offer Alexandria is a good place you’ll be happy there” we stood in silence for a few minutes before he took a long drag finishing his cigarette and smashing it into the ground with his boot “take care of yourself” he told me before he walked off.

I felt like a fool I knew I had been imagining things I just didn’t want to face it but now I had to I should have taken my own advice from last night and give up there was no way a man like Daryl would ever be interested in me this time I had to truly accept it.

 

I found myself in front of the piano. I had decided to not watch the team leave, starting their long and perilous journey. My fingers gliding across the keys humming softly at first.

 

_She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati on a snow white Christmas Eve_  
Going home to see her mama and her daddy with the baby in the backseat  
Fifty miles to go, and she was running low on faith and gasoline  
It'd been a long hard year  
She had a lot on her mind, and she didn't pay attention  
She was going way too fast

I closed my eyes remembering standing in front of a church pew beside my mom, her raven black hair cascaded down her shoulders, a soft smile on her lips as she sang. Her voice sounded like an angel.

 

_Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass_  
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes  
She didn't even have time to cry  
She was so scared  
She threw her hands up in the air

_Jesus, take the wheel_  
Take it from my hands  
'Cause I can't do this on my own  
I'm letting go  
So give me one more chance  
And save me from this road I'm on  
Jesus, take the wheel

 

This was her favorite song. If heaven was true, I hoped she would hear it, hear how much I missed her, how much I long to hug her and just cry.

 

_It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder_  
And the car came to a stop  
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock  
And for the first time in a long time  
She bowed her head to pray  
She said, "I'm sorry for the way  
I've been living my life  
I know I've got to change  
So from now on tonight

_Jesus, take the wheel_  
Take it from my hands  
'Cause I can't do this on my own  
I'm letting go  
So give me one more chance  
And save me from this road I'm on."

I wanted to be able to hear her sing old church hymns from the beat up old burgundy hymnal. To hear her sing ‘Jesus Loves Me’. She used to sing every night when I was a child before she put me to bed.

 

_Oh, Jesus, take the wheel_

_Oh, I'm letting go_  
So give me one more chance  
Save me from this road I'm on  
From this road I'm on  
Jesus, take the wheel  
Oh, take it, take it from me  
Oh, why, oh

 

Tears were streaming down my face when I finished the song.

 

“That’s one of my favorites”, a voice said behind me, causing me to jump. Turning around I saw Father Gabriel.

“It was my mom’s too”, I replied. He smiled.

“She must have loved the meaning of the song, too”, I rolled my eyes, scoffing.

“Yeah, give Jesus control look where that got us”, my voice dripped with sarcasm.

“I believe he still watches over us.  “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

“And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us Romans 5:3-5” I finished for him sighing “My mom was a Sunday School teacher and she had me memorize bible verses.”

“Your mother was a godly woman”, Gabriel smiled.

“Look where it got her. Dead”. I replied bitterly.

“But she found comfort in her faith, didn’t she?” Gabriel asked I couldn’t help but nod. “Just like you find hope and comfort in music, I can hear it in your voice”, he added tears started to stream down my face again as he spoke his words were true I had given up on Jesus and God a long time ago. Music was the only thing I had left of her, how I could keep her alive. I looked up into Gabriel’s dark brown eyes full of kindness. “Let me make you an offer; come back with us to Alexandria. You can stay with me at my church, and if you like you can teach music and play on Sundays. We are badly in need of a piano player.” I was speechless. I didn’t understand what these people saw in me. especially this bible thumping priest.

“I really don’t understand you people. First, you want an ex-stripper, junkie teaching music, and now you want one who doesn’t have any faith in God or Jesus playing piano in a church”, I said sarcastically.

“And sing”, Father Gabriel didn’t miss a beat. He was still smiling at me. I couldn’t help but laugh, “Your mom would want this for you. She’s up in heaven looking down on you now, and I know this would make her happy”, he told me seriously.

“Okay. I’ll do it”, I told him, smiling back at him. _For you mom_ I thought to myself.

“Wonderful! Everyone will be so excited!” 

“What’s so exciting?” Ricks voice asked as he walked into the room.

“Amber has agreed to come to Alexandria with us to teach music and play the piano at my church on Sundays!” Father Gabriel exclaimed. Rick grinned. His eyes sparkled with excitement also.

“This is wonderful!” he said happily, giving me a hug. I froze at first but forced myself to relax. It was strange how a friendly hug could feel so comforting and how I was starting to feel accepted, and, if I dared hope, loved. As we walked down the hall towards the dining room you could hear all the women talking to each other as they set the dinner table. Father Gabriel and Rick cheerfully discussed ideas for the music program. Walking into the dining room, I couldn’t help but look around. Maggie and Carol were setting bowls of food on the table, Carl was placing plates in front of all the chairs, Judith babbled happily in her high chair Maggie’s son Hershel Glenn cooed in a swing in the corner. I walked over to one of the large bay windows and looked up at the sky. The sun had started turning the sky red and orange. _Red in the morning, shepherd’s warning, red and night shepherd’s delight,_ I thought to myself, remembering Dad’s old saying. I silently hoped it was true and was going to give the team luck.

“Amber? You okay?” Maggie’s voice startled me. I turned to her, giving her a warm smile.

“Yeah. I think it is going to be”, I said, deciding that whether there was a God or not, I was going to give this a chance and give it all I had.


	7. Only God Knows Why

Stars can’t shine without Darkness

Chapter 7

 

Only God knows why

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DQup4hd1_o>

 

Daryl POV

 

The months on the road passed by quickly. Each state we went through turned out to be a goldmine, especially Arkansas. Every Walmart distribution center that we went to was practically untouched, fully stocked with over the counter medicines, any type of first aid supplies you could think of, food, cooking supplies, clothes, beds, furniture, soap, shampoo, you name it, it was there. We completely cleaned all of them out and decided to fill up one of our trucks and other 18-wheelers that was at the sixth distribution center and sent Ashley and Kade back home with them. We sent a pigeon named Colonel to let Alexandria know they were coming. That was 3 months ago. Decembers winter weather was quickly setting in as we traveled to Kentucky. Snow fell thickly outside the truck. Abraham, Sasha and I sat close to a battery powered heater and lamp curled up in thick sleeping bags. I was thankful for all the winter supplies we had decided to keep with us. The birds cooed against the wall of the trailer.

“I think it might be a good idea to send one of you back home”, I suggested. Sasha’s eyes widened.

“That would be dangerous”, she replied.

“And risky”, Abraham added. “We’re about two weeks away from Kentucky and we have no idea what we’re walking into.”

“It makes sense. Trailer two is almost completely full.  We need to get those supplies back home, because, your right, we don’t know what’s in Kentucky. We can’t risk those supplies.”

“Daryl, we already sent at least two years’ worth of supplies back home already”, Sasha said. Clearly unhappy with the discussion.

“Yeah, and truck two could possibly add another two years. The whole point of this run is to get as much supplies as we can back home”, I said sternly. I was surprised Abraham hadn’t protested any further. He just sat against the wall of the trailer cracking his knuckles and smoking his cigar.

“As much as I don’t want to agree with Daryl, the next place we hit we should put as much of it in truck two and send it back home”, he sighed.

“You can’t be serious!” Sasha exclaimed.

“I will decide in the morning”, I announced.

“Daryl…” Sasha started.

“Sash he’s the leader this is his call”, Abraham spoke abruptly, backing me up.

I tossed and turned for most of the night my thoughts racing. I knew it would be best to send Abraham back to Alexandria. We couldn’t risk so many supplies. I couldn’t help but smile remembering the day we met Jesus and the box truck going into the lake. That was one hell of a day.  When I was able to doze off for a little bit my mind was clouded with images of Amber’s sad green eyes. I knew I had hurt her feelings, and for the life of me I didn’t know why the hell I cared or why I wanted to send a pigeon with a letter to tell her I was sorry.

When dawn finally broke I had made my decision and I knew no one was going to like it. I walked around the trailer after checking the perimeter for walkers. Sasha sat on the tailgate of the truck eating a granola bar. Abraham sat with her cleaning his black Beretta both looked up at me with anticipation.

“Abraham, after we clean out the next Walmart you’re going to take truck two back to Alexandria. Sasha will stay with me. Sasha, get one of the birds ready to send a message so we can let Alexandria know and give them an update.” Surprisingly neither of them objected. Sasha silently crawled up into the truck we spent the night in.

“You sure about this?” Abraham asked me concerned. I nodded.

“It’s the only way we can make sure we get as many supplies as we find back to Alexandria. Splitting is the only way we can try and guarantee that. I have faith you will get the truck back.” I spread the map between us on the tailgate “I checked the map, we’re here. Right outside of Nashville. it should be a straight shot back to Alexandria.” Abraham nodded in agreement.

“You’re right we’ve pretty much been all through that area, so it should be easy to get back with no trouble. I just hope you and Sasha don’t find any in Kentucky.”

“We should be fine. There are a few super Walmart’s and a few malls that I want to check out. Then, we’re gonna hit these three armories here.” I continued pointing out the locations on the map. Abraham nodded in agreement.

“It’s a solid plan”, he admitted.

“Daryl, Drax is ready”, Sasha called from inside the truck.

“On my way”, I replied. “There’s one thing I need you to do for me”, I said, turning my back to Abraham.

“Anything.” I pulled a small, sealed invitation sized envelope out of my vest pocket. “Give this to the girl Merle brought to the Sanctuary before we left last. I heard she was going with Rick to Alexandrea”, I told him quietly.

“Amber”, he nodded, placing the envelope in his pocket, giving me a smirk. I glared at him before climbing up into the trailer.

I took the grey bird’s leg and gently tied a small, light weight metal tube with a small piece of paper inside of it to his leg. When I was finished Sasha walked to the end of the trailer.

“Home”, she told the bird clearly, before releasing the it into the air. We all stood watching the bird disappear into the sky.

“Let’s pack up and head out”, I ordered softly.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“Daryl! You’re bleeding!” Sasha exclaimed as I scrambled up into the truck, slamming the door shut seconds before the sound of a walking slamming against it.

“Forget me, drive!” I yelled. Trying to hide the pain in my voice.

We had come across an abandon Dunham Sports store near one of the military armories. Sasha and I both agreed that we should check it out. I personally hoped to find a crossbow scope to replace the one that had broken 5 months ago so I would be able to continue to hunt larger game so I could provide a steady supply of fresh meat for everyone at Alexandria. After we cleared the front part of the store we decided to split up. Sasha went to check out the camping supplies while I went to the hunting section on the other end of the store. I was happy to find a dozen different boxes of bullets hidden under the broken and cleared out gun case, along with crossbow bolts. I couldn’t help but smile when I found a Ghost Hunter Sightmark Core Crossbow Scope. A soft creak caused me to abruptly look up. My eyes immediately widened in disbelief.

“Holy shit”, I whispered, grinning. Five brand new crossbows hung up above me in a metal rack. _There should be one of those rolling step ladders around her somewhere,_ I thought, eyeing the black double doors behind a display of deer stands. Crossbow ready, I silently pushed through the double doors. Light filtered through broken sky lights. The room appeared empty. I could see a tall rusted ladder leaning against a metal isle frame across the room. Lowering my crossbow, I slung it across my shoulder to rest against my back as I lifted the ladder, the metal aisle frame swayed. Shelves started breaking, forgetting the ladder, I tried to jump out of the way, but a piece of shelving slammed against the back of my head knocking me into a metal work desk. “Dammit!” I yelped. A searing pain rushing through my right wrist and shoulder. Groaning, I kicked pieces of shelving off me. “Stupid piece of…” I started to mutter when I heard the unmistakable moan of a walker. Quickly, I shoved myself off the ground, ignoring the pain from my wrist the broken aisle frame had knocked a door open, unleashing twenty walkers that had been trapped inside a large break room. “Fuck”, groaning, as I ran across the room. “Walkers!” I shouted shoving my way through the black double doors. Walker bodies slammed against them seconds later. Loud groans filling the aisles as we ran towards the front of the store. “Sasha! Get to the truck!” yelling as loud as I could, hoping and praying she could hear me wherever she was in the store. The sound of the truck firing up as I got to the glass doors was music to my ears.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“Daryl!” The sound of Sasha’s voice broke my thoughts bringing me back to reality. We had stopped for the night far away from the small herd of walkers that had chased us. She pressed an old red wash cloth to the back of my head.

“Fuck!” I yelped, as a sharp pain radiated through my head.

“You have blood dripping down your neck. I have to clean it off before I can look at it.” I rolled my eyes. I hated being looked after it felt unnatural “Don’t give me that look. After I clean your head, I’m going to look at your wrist and arm, and don’t tell me it’s fine.”

“It is”, I muttered stubbornly.

“I call bullshit. Now shut up. Faster I get you situated the faster we can start to head back home.”

“Fuck that! We still have we more armories to check out”, I growled, jerking my head away.

“Damn it, Daryl! We have enough stuff! We’re both exhausted and you need to see a doctor. Your wrist looks broken, I’m pretty sure your shoulder’s dislocated, and I don’t how to fix either”, Sasha argued.

“No. Both are easy fixes. We have splints in the trailer and I can tell you how to relocate my shoulder.” Sasha gave me an irritated look.

“You know, the second I send one of the birds telling Rick about what happened he’s going to order us home. You’re going to listen for once. We are going back home. I’m going to find the one of the medical supply kits so I can wrap your head and splint your wrist properly”, she scolded. “And I **will** drug you if I have too.”

“Fine!” I barked, too exhausted to fight anymore. Feeling full of guilt, going home was exactly what I wanted to do. My head throbbed, and I couldn’t move my right arm without wanting to cry out in pain. I wouldn’t be able to lift my crossbow for weeks if not a month if we didn’t get it set right. All I wanted was to hide in my small basement apartment under Ricks house, drink a couple beers, and go to bed. Maybe Sasha was right. Going home was the best plan.

 

I stared out of the skylight, watching the clouds go by through the dark tinted glass. Sasha had insisted that I lay down on the bed that took up the back half of the cab. I would never admit it, but it was another good idea that she had. Up front every bump in the road caused excruciating waves of pain in my shoulder and wrist. My arm was wrapped up tightly in a sling that Sasha had insisted I wear. to keep my shoulder and wrist still. The dimmer area also helped my throbbing head. Closing my eyes, I let my mind wonder.

Her creamy white skin slipped skillfully up and down the silver pole. Her emerald green eyes staring into mine, full of hidden hope and sadness.

 _“Bro you know she wouldn’t want a dirty ol’ redneck asshole. If this was the real world, she wouldn’t give you the time of day.”_ Merle’s voice taunted. _“Once she sees those scars on your back she’ll run for the hills. I told you little brother, I’m the only one you can trust.”_

“Shut up Merle”, I retorted. My heart still sank at his words. I knew he was right. She probably wouldn’t give me a second thought, especially with the way I had treated her before we left. And the stupid letter I sent with Abraham was pathetic. If Merle was here he would have laughed and ripped it up. It’s probably what I should have done. I could still hear her angelic voice echoing into the hall where I stood listening beside the doorway, so she couldn’t see me.

“Daryl you okay?” Sasha called back from the front seat.

“Yeah. How far out are we?” I asked.

“We should get there in a week or so.  When we stop for the night I’ll give you some more antibiotics and pain meds”, she replied. Deciding not to answer, I let myself drift off to sleep.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“Daryl, wake up”, a familiar voice called to me.

“Go away”, I groaned. My head and arm throbbed painfully.

‘Daryl, you’ve been asleep for over a day. You need to eat something”, she scolded. I jerked away when I felt her touch my forehead. The sudden movement caused me to groan. “Dammit! You’re burning up. Let me see your head”, she ordered.

“It’s fine. Go away”, I pleaded. She ignored me. I didn’t realize how weak I was until she easily pushed me onto my side despite my resisting.

“Shit”, she muttered. “The gash on your head is infected. I’m going to get some stronger antibiotics and clean bandages.”

“No. Someone else might need them at home”, I protested.

“Just shut up, go back to sleep”, she ignored me once again. I wanted to argue but sleep did sound like a good idea.

 

_The sound of my mom crying in the next room as my father screamed at her filled my head. I remembered as a child kneeling next to my bed praying to a god I didn’t know to please help us. To rescue us. But nothing ever happened no one came to save us. Not the teachers or guidance counselors at school that saw the bruises on my arms. Not my mom’s coworkers who saw the makeup covered bruises and listened to the same lame excuses for broken bones. No one ever came._

_Then I saw her. Amber._ _She reminded me of mom. The same ugly bruises on her throat and arms. The healing black eye thickly covered with makeup. And no one cared. I didn’t understand why. Just like years ago when Carol’s husband was alive. I had stepped in a few times while the others just turned their heads, ignoring the bruises._

_“Why do you care?” Merle had asked me. I cared because I was sick of everyone looking away, naïve to the pain she was going through. I cared because no one had come to rescue my mom or us. I cared because she was going to die either at the hands of the bastard who beat her or by her own hand. I cared because it wasn’t right._

_The last time I stared into her emerald green eyes they were full of sadness. Sadness that I had caused I hadn’t stopped feeling guilty since that day._

 

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

The next time I woke up sunlight streamed through the skylight of the cab. My arm still throbbed in pain, but my head didn’t ache as bad.

“Morning, sunshine”, Sasha’s voice called from the front of the cab, as I slowly sat up. She was sitting in the passenger seat turned facing towards me, eating what looked like a jar of apple sauce with a black plastic spoon. “Your fever broke last night. The gash on your head is starting to look better. I gave you a couple of doses of Rocephin while you were asleep”, she added.

“How long was I out?” I asked taking an open can of peaches she held out to me.

“About 4 days. You had me worried for a little while”, she replied.

“Damn.”

“You should rest. We’ll be home in a couple days”, Sasha told me. I nodded.

“At least let me sit up front with you”, I replied, feeling restless. She smiled, jumping up and getting into the driver seat.

“Let’s hit the road.” The truck roared to life as I settled into the passenger seat.

“Let’s go home.” Sighing as I gently rested my head against the seats headrest, grabbing a plastic spoon of the dash and took a bite of the sweet peaches.


	8. Hey Hey, My My

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Religous Content Warning**

Stars can’t shine without Darkness

Chapter 8

Hey Hey, My My

 

Title: Hey Hey, My My – Battleme

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbeIv39s04s>

 

Always remember to never forget – Christy Nockels

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcLgpFw2_UM>

 

Amber POV

 

“Good morning, Amber”, Father Gabriel greeted me cheerfully as I sat down at the small kitchen table.

“Good Morning, Father”, I replied, smiling as I grabbed a banana and a piece of toast from one of the plates. “Are we still having the bible study at the fire pit tonight?” I asked peeling and taking a bite out of my banana.

“If it doesn’t rain. I noticed that it was cloudy when I went on my morning walk”, he replied pouring some tea into a blue coffee mug then held it out to me. I happily accepted it taking a deep inhale.

“You found some!” I exclaimed, overjoyed. Father Gabriel grinned.

“Michonne found it last night and gave it to me this morning.” I inhaled deeply, again. Savoring the sweet honey vanilla steam. Celestial Seasonings Honey Vanilla Chamomile tea was my absolute favorite, Carol made a wonderful homemade version, but Celestial Seasoning was my absolute favorite. “She said they found 3 crates full of different Celestial Seasoning teas”, he added. My eyes widened with excitement. I was definitely going to stock up “one shelf” Father Gabriel said seeing the grin on my face, laughing I held up my hands in mock surrender.

“I promise”, Gabriel laughed with me. We continued eating breakfast talking about our plans for the day. He was going to visit some of the elderly in our community to see how they were and if they needed anything. I had 3 music classes to teach starting at 10am. Toddler time ages 2-4 that was held in the auditorium of the church. I then would go to the newly built school and teach piano. Every student had three choices for their extracurricular class, piano with me, Home Economics with Carol, and agricultural with Rick most of the girls picked home economics and the boys, agricultural with Rick I had a small class of 2 girls, Lily-Anna, Cassie, and 1 boy, Joshua, which worked out well. We had one stand up piano and an electric keyboard that I used to demonstrate. My last class was Adult Piano back at the church. I only had 2 students that I taught on different nights.

“Are you going to sing at the Tavern afterwards?” Father Gabriel broke my thoughts. I nodded as I took a sip of my cooling tea.

“Yes, I told Tom I would. Tamera is sick, so I volunteered to take her place for the next couple weeks”, I replied. I sang at the local bar called ‘The Tavern’ that had been built six months ago. It was a simple bar with a stage and scattered tables and booths along the walls. Tom brewed the moonshine himself and had other types of liquor brought in from the Sanctuary. Tom liked having singers every night to brighten the atmosphere. Beginning the following week, Friday was going to be Karaoke night. A large karaoke machine, complete with microphones and lights that you could hang up to flash had been found in one of the 18-wheelers that came back early from the Long Haul.

“Have you heard anything from Sasha and Daryl?” I asked finishing the last of my tea. Father Gabriel shook his head.

“The pigeon that made it back didn’t have the metal letter tube attached to its leg. Rick thinks something must have happened to it. He sent another bird back out to try and find them to let them know we didn’t get their message, but so far we haven’t heard anything. I don’t think we should worry too much they’re supposed to be back in a few weeks”, he replied. He rose from his chair and grabbed an orange, then gave my shoulder a light, reassuring squeeze. “Have a blessed day. I’ll see you later tonight, don’t worry.”

“You too, Father”, I called as he walked out the back door. Getting up I carried the dirty breakfast dishes to the sink full of warm soapy water. Quickly washing the few dishes and placing them on the drying rack I went and changed into a pair of dark blue jeans and a pink tank top. I grabbed my teal and silver rosery that lay in a black case on my dresser the cool metal cross laid against my chest, softly smiling. Father Gabriel had given it to me for Christmas. My first Christmas here had been truly magical and so much fun I had never felt so loved since my parents died. Everyone had joined together and surprised me with my own keyboard for me to play. I could still remember Carl and Judith pulling the blanket off revealing my own beautiful black and white keyboard laying on a jet-black stand. Tears streamed down my face as I stood there, speechless. Carol, Rick, and Michonne pulled me into a group hug as I stuttered “thank you”. There wasn’t a night that went by that I didn’t play a few songs before I went to bed.

Different colored streams of sunlight shown through the stained glass I smiled feeling at peace in the silent room I knelt in front of the alter bowing my head.

_God, give me grace to accept with serenity_

_the things that cannot be changed,_

_Courage to change the things_

_which should be changed,_

_and the Wisdom to distinguish_

_the one from the other._

_Living one day at a time,_

_Enjoying one moment at a time,_

_Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,_

_Taking, as Jesus did,_

_This sinful world as it is,_

_Not as I would have it,_

_Trusting that You will make all things right,_

_If I surrender to Your will,_

_So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,_

_And supremely happy with You forever in the next._

_Amen._

I whispered my daily prayer that Father Gabriel taught me. I never expected to find comfort in religion, but after a couple months of playing at Father Gabriel’s church, I couldn’t help but start to listen to his sermons. Seeing the hope in his and his congregation’s eyes, how they accepted me even when they found out about how I used to be a prostitute and stripper, it didn’t matter to them. Mrs. Jackson, a sweet old lady with long, silver hair, gave me a well taken care of violet colored leather bible that had belonged to her daughter who died at a refugee camp that had been overrun. One Sunday after church and told me that it doesn’t matter what you’ve done in the past. God and his angels still love you and will always be there to guide and comfort you. All you have to do is ask. I don’t know why, but her words and kindness touched my heart and I found myself starting to find comfort in the old hymns I was playing every Sunday. I would flip through the soft leather bible and ask Gabriel questions, which he was more than happy to answer, until I fully started to believe. I felt at peace for the first time in a long time. I felt close to my mother and father and found hope that I would see them again one day.

“Miss Amber!”, a young child’s voice broke my thoughts.

“Ashley!” I greeted the bouncing blonde 4-year-old, as she gave me a big hug. A second later Tara, Ashley’s twin sister, and little Carrie holding her mom’s hand, raced into the building their moms not far behind.

“Good morning everyone!” I cheerfully greeted them smiling. “Now who’s ready to learn the rest of Jesus loves me?”, I asked as I sat down at the piano.

“Me!”, they all yelled, jumping up and down with excitement. Even little Carrie. who was the youngest of the small group yelled happily.

After an hour of teaching the toddlers the last 2 verses of Jesus loves me they started to get tired Carrie who was 2 had already fallen asleep in her mom’s arms and Ashley was starting to yawn.

“Everyone, give Miss Amber a hug and tell her thank you”, Missy, Ashley and Tara’s mom said warmly.

“Thank you, Miss Amber!”, they said together. Carrie’s mom Tiffany, walked over to me.

“Thank you Amber. You are amazing with them”, she told me, smiling.

“They are a blessing to be around! I enjoy every minute!” I replied, smiling back shyly. I watched her walk out the door with Tara and her twins. I decided to eat a quick lunch before heading over to the school. Heading towards the kitchen, I heard voices talking in Father Gabriel’s office. I slowed down my pace to a slow walk.

“Are you sure about this?” Gabriel asked.

“Of course! She’s earned it. I think she’ll love it”, Ricks voice replied.

“I think she will, too. You’ve heard her talk about how much she misses it”, hearing a chair being moved back, I quickly rushed quietly into the kitchen and started to make a sandwich.

“Amber”, Rick called a second later.

“In the kitchen!” I replied.

“How are you this afternoon?” he asked as he walked into the kitchen. his bright blue eyes had a mischievous look.

“Good. Toddler time went really well. How are the crops?” I replied, casually.

“The corn and tomatoes are looking great. I’m hoping it’ll rain soon, though.” Nodding, I cut my sandwich in half.

“I think it will either tonight or tomorrow.”

“Would you like to come look at them after lunch? I’m sure Sarah wouldn’t mind covering your class”, he asked. I smiled. It would be nice to get out and enjoy the sunshine and fresh air.

“Sure! That sounds like a wonderful idea!” His smile turned into a smirk. I had a feeling he was up to something as I took a bite of my sandwich.

“I have to go pick up Judith, so Carol can go teach home economics. I’ll let Sarah know that she’ll need to cover your class. Meet you at the corn field in an hour?”

“Sure!” I replied eagerly. I looked forward to getting out and about. Rick gave a curt nod, still smirking.

“I’ll see you there!” he called as he walked out into the hall. I finished my sandwich quickly and filled up a pink water bottle. I decided to braid my hair before leaving to meet Rick.

“Amber”, Father Gabriel called my name softly as I walked past his office.

“Yes?” turning back and into his small office. A big bay window sat behind his desk the windows open allowing a refreshing breeze to come into the room.

“Eric found a public library a few miles away. We’re hoping to start one here. I found this while helping him go through the books he brought back and thought you would enjoy it”, he told me handing me two, tan colored books. One was ‘Black Beauty’ by Anna Sewell, and the other was the ‘Black Stallion’ by Walter Farley. My eyes widened with excitement.

“Oh my god! These are my favorites!!” I exclaimed, overjoyed. A couple weeks ago we had been at Rick’s house eating dinner together. Rick brought up how the stable was growing and how the horses that he had trained were a huge help last fall plowing the gardens. He also talked about how a horse trail was going to be added to the park that was the newest expansion of Alexandria. I was so excited I couldn’t contain myself and had rambled on about how I used to ride horses with both of my parents. I told them about how I competed in a few shows and jumping competitions as a hobby. I missed riding. It was almost as relaxing as singing or playing the piano. I had wonderful memories of riding through mountain trails with my mom and dad and marveling at the beauty of nature.

“I thought you might like them. I know you’ve read almost every book we have here”, he said smiling. I couldn’t stop grinning.

“Thank you! I will be up all night reading!” I joked.

“I bet you will”, he laughed. If he hadn’t been sitting at his desk, I would have given him a big hug. I would get him later at the bible study.

“Thank you so much!” I couldn’t help but thank him again.

“I know you will enjoy them and seeing such happiness has made my day.” He said with joy in his eyes. “Oh, before I forget, Tina wanted me to tell you she can’t make it to her piano lesson tonight. Her husband just got back from a two week hunting trip and she wants too spend time with him”, he added as I started to leave the room.

“That’s understandable”, nodding in agreement. Wow _! I’m going to have a free afternoon!_  I thought to myself as I walked towards my room. I laid my two new books on the nightstand beside my bed and grabbed my brush. I had kept the sides of my head shaved but allowed the hair on the top of my head to grow. It now almost reached my hip. Changing my mind, I decided to not braid it but instead pulled it up into a high ponytail. I looked at myself in the mirror, silently debating on whether to cut it or not. It was starting to get heavy, but I wasn’t sure. I would talk to Michonne about it later tonight at the bar. Her and Rick always came to hear me sing on family night. They would bring Carl and Judith with them. I almost spit out my drink when Rick let Carl try some of his beer! The look on his face was priceless! Carl proclaimed that he did not like it. I couldn’t help but chuckle at the memory. As I walked out the front door of the church the warm sunlight felt amazing against my skin. A soft breeze in the air, it was a beautiful June day. The sound of kids playing on the playground across the street from the church filled the air. Alexandria was a beautiful growing community. It had grown so much in the last year the building crew was able to expand the wall out over 5 miles, making it possible to extend the crop fields, build a barn for the cows, chickens and a few horses. With the recent return of Abraham and one of the last trucks, we had plenty of building supplies to start building a community center and start a new park with trails for walking and riding.  There was also talk of a new pond to stock with fish to let grow and reproduce so we could have fresh fish in the future. I had been so busy the last couple months I hadn’t been able to check out how the crops were doing and how the park was coming along. My eyes grew wide in amazement. The fields looked amazing. The tall green stalks of corn would definitely be ready by next month. I couldn’t wait to see what the rest looked like. I spotted Rick standing by the red barn.

“Rick, this is amazing! We are going to be feasting on corn for months!” I exclaimed as I walked over to him. He beamed.

“Carl actually had a lot to do with it. He helped out tremendously”, Rick replied. His voice was full of pride for his son.

“That’s awesome! I will have to tell him how proud I am of him when I see him later”, I said. Carl was a bright teenager who was becoming a well behaved young man who had a knack for growing plants and an incredible aim at the gun range. I had never seen someone so young be able to nail a bullseye with truly incredible accuracy.

  
“You can tell him yourself. He and Michonne are in the barn. Carl, Michonne come on out!”  I knew for a fact he was up to something the second he spoke. I looked at him wearily last time him and Carl had been up to something we were in the middle of prank war involving glitter stuffed into the seat of my piano bench causing a cloud of bright pink, silver, blue and green sparkly glitter to cover me and the choir. It had taken weeks to clean up. Father Gabriel had laughed so hard he almost fell out of the pulpit. Suddenly, the large door of one of the stalls opened up Michonne and Carl led a large Bay colored Clydesdale horse out of the stall. I instantly recognized her.

“Holy shit! It’s one of the Budweiser horses!” I shouted in disbelief. Michonne smirked at my astonishment. I walked over to her, gently running my hand down her smooth side.

“Her name is Melody” Carl spoke up, smiling as he handed me a soft body brush. I smiled back.

“She’s beautiful”, I whispered, taking the brush and gently brushing her.

“She’s yours”, Rick said softly behind me. I almost dropped the brush in shock.

“What?” I questioned, spinning around toward him. He still had that same mischievous grin on his face. Carl and Michonne’s faces showed the same.

“She’s yours! Abraham found her locked in a barn. From the looks of the inside of the house nearby, her owners were attacked by walkers a few weeks before he found her on his way back from Kentucky”, Rick explained.

“But, don’t you need her to help with the crops and farming?” I asked still in disbelief “Clydesdales are known for being wonderful farm horses.”

“We have plenty of horses now to help with the crops. And I’m sure if we need her you won’t mind her helping us.”

“Amber, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, literally”, Michonne spoke before I could. We all started laughing.

“I don’t know what to say”, I choked. After we stopped laughing, tears had started to roll down my face. I wasn’t used to such kindness. Even though I had been here almost a full year, I was still easily caught off guard when someone showed me a lot of love and kindness. Michonne handed me the reigns.

“You don’t have to say anything. Your face says it all”, she assured me. “Go take her for a ride. The first part of the trail is open. You have plenty of time before you have to go to the Bible study”, she added. I beamed as I easily lifted myself up onto the brown leather saddle. A feeling of remembrance rushed through me. I clicked my tongue and gently squeezed my legs letting her know I wanted to go forward.  As we trotted down to the end of the field, a feeling of exhilaration rushed through my veins.

The first part of the trail was stunning. White rocks marked the trail on both sides. Birds chirped merrily in the trees. Melody walked smoothly, enjoying the exercise.

 

_Hey there beautiful one, you there shining with glory_  
Would you let your heart hear if I sang about you  
Did you know that every fairy tale you love  
They have borrowed your story  
Of a maiden so lovely and a hero so true

 

I starting to sing softly to myself. Melody’s ears perked up when she heard my voice. I softly smiled not many people knew that music can be used to relax horses and help the horse and rider bond. I used to always sing while grooming my horse after a competition or a long ride.

_It's just that this world is hollow_  
And it wants to swallow  
Any memory of who you really are

__  
So always remember to never forget  
When you look in the mirror, the answer is yes  
Yes you are pure as gold, yes you are beautiful  
So always remember to never forget  
Always remember to never forget

We slowly continued down the trail enjoying every moment. Scattered alongside the trail small handmade stones were placed on metal stands different bright colored flowers planted under and all around the base of them. Each one had the name of someone who had died before and during the war printed on them with a quote of remembrance. You could sense the love put into every one of them. I couldn’t help but pause at one **Beth Greene: Beloved Sister and friend.** Around the base of the stand bright white Cherokee Roses bloomed. I knew little about Maggie’s little sister besides that she had died a month before Aaron found them. And, that if Hershel Glenn had been a girl her name would have been Beth. And, that she loved to sing like I did. Beth always found the good in people and always had hope of things one day getting better and they would be able to start having lives again. I hoped that we would one day get to meet in heaven because the way everyone talked about her she had been a truly special woman.

_Like a treasure in the deep, your heart is a diamond_  
And your hero will do what it takes to find it  
So he can hold it tenderly, and become your defender  
He even lay down His life just to make your heart heal

_So always remember to never forget_  
When you look in the mirror, the answer is yes  
Yes you are pure as gold, yes you are beautiful  
So always remember to never forget  
Always remember to never forget.

 

It was almost dark when I finished brushing Melody down. I was rusty at remembering everything that needed to be done after a long ride, but Melody was very patient with me as I stumbled through the process. It had started to drizzle when we got back to the barn, but steadily increased to a downpour.   By the time I reached the church I was drenched and had missed the first half of the bible study. I could hear Father Gabriel’s voice echo through the halls as I slipped in through the back door entering the dark kitchen.

“About time you made it back”, I jumped, almost knocking over a glass pitcher of what I guessed was either iced tea or lemonade that Gabriel always handed out at the end of every study along with some type of light snack.

“What the hell are you doing?” I fiercely whispered to Michonne who was trying to not burst out laughing.

“Waiting for you. Rick wanted to make sure you got back safely when it started to rain”, she whispered back, lighting a small candle that sat in the middle of the kitchen table.

“You could have waited in the barn”, I smirked. Michonne pulled a dry towel out of her brown leather bag and held it out to me. Michonne and I had quickly become close friends we both got along great shared a lot of the same interests. We both liked to read and absolutely loved M&M’s. We also had the same sense of humor. She helped me get back at Carl and Rick for the glitter prank. We put temporary pink hair dye in both their shampoo bottles the outcome was hilarious Carl’s hair turned bright pink, so did Rick’s. And his beard that he had grown during the winter that he had procrastinated shaving, turned an even brighter shade of pink. And when he tried shaving it off he had a pink “shadow” of a beard for almost 2 weeks. They both called a truce soon after.  “Let’s go to my room so I can get out of these wet clothes”, I whispered, starting to creep down the hall to my bedroom Michonne silently followed.

“What did you think of Melody?” she asked as soon I shut my door.

“She was amazing! She has a beautiful trot and canter I can’t wait to take her out tomorrow and see how she gallops”, I gushed while I looked through my dresser for something dry to wear.

“You should wear those black jeans with the silver halter top. You can tuck your jeans into your boots to keep your jeans dry”, she suggested.

“As long as you French braid my hair”, I bargained playfully.

“Deal”, she agreed quickly.

“Do you think I should trim it cut it short?” remembering to ask her opinion on it as I pulled my wet clothes off in the small bathroom connected to my room.

“I think it would look great either way”, she called back.

I’ll probably think about it a couple more days. I kinda wanna change things up a little bit”, I replied as I pulled on the tight black jeans Michonne had recommended.

“You could dye it.”

“No!” I quickly shot back. I could hear her giggling on my bed. She was always teasing me that Rick and Carl would one day attempt to get even for the hair dye prank and put permanent dye in my shampoo. I couldn’t help but giggle too as I walked out of the bathroom tying the top of my halter top at the same time, Michonne grabbed the brush off my dresser and started to brush and plait my hair so she could start braiding it.

“Oh! I forgot to tell you! Daryl and Sasha made it back while you were out on the trail.” My heart started to beat nervously. _Daryl was back._ My thoughts going to the worn letter that rested in the inside of my Bible. I didn’t believe it at first when Abraham handed me the small tan invitation envelope and said it was from Daryl. He had no reason to want to write to me especially with what happened at the Hilltop. It took me two full days to build up the courage to open the envelope and read the letter. It was short and simple but held so much meaning.

_I’m not good at this. I’m sorry for what happened at the Hilltop_

_Daryl._

When I first read it my heart jumped, filling with happiness and hope. I sternly reminded myself to not even attempt to hope that I might have been right before. I wasn’t going to throw myself at some redneck that clearly did not care about me. _But he did have Merle look out for you at the Sanctuary,_ my heart tried to argue. I quickly shoved it away. It just wasn’t going to happen. I had a wonderful life with a group that had become my family and loved me.

“We got word Merle’s on his way from the Sanctuary too see Daryl and find out how the trip went”, Michonne’s voice brought me back from the argument I was having in my head.

“Great. My stalker is coming to visit”, I muttered sarcastically to Michonne.

“If he bothers you just walk away. He’s harmless. Besides, Rick told me what happened at the Hilltop. Daryl almost kicked his ass over yelling at you. I wish I could have seen it!” She laughed, wrapping a small hairbow around the end of my hair to keep the tight braid from coming undone. I inwardly sighed. I still didn’t understand what made him do that and that just confused my head and heart even more.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Daryl POV

 

I had never been so happy in my life to see the gates of Alexandria open. As much as it irritated the piss out of me, Sasha kept giving me shots of Rocephin the whole four days it took to get back to Alexandria. The infection had gone away, and the gash was starting to develop a healthy scab and was on its way to leaving a nasty scar that my hair would cover up. My wrist was still painful but manageable. My shoulder was entirely different story. My shoulder had become swollen, a red large lump had started to form at the edge of my collar bone and the pain had gotten worse. I knew something was wrong and this wasn’t a simple dislocated shoulder. Sasha found a different sling that held my arm that was now in a stiff brace against my chest, and something she called a swath, which I despised. It wrapped over my injured arm and under my armpit of my other arm holding my shoulder in place and unable to move. It helped with the pain a little, but it aggravated me.

“Daryl, be careful with your shoulder”, Sasha scolded as I went to open the truck door the second the truck stopped. “And I will send Rick after your ass if you don’t go see Dr. Tanner!” she added. Rolling my eyes, mumbling every curse I could think of, I climbed out of the truck. As luck would freaking have it right in front of Rick. His eyes widened with concern. I just glared at him.

“I’m fine!” I growled. He shook his head and smiled.

“I’m just happy to see you breathing”, he sighed. I couldn’t help but smirk. “What happened?” I tried to shrug my shoulder but instantly regretted it. I held back a cry of pain, shaking my head and looking away from Rick.

“A metal aisle frame fell. Knocked my ass into a metal desk and unleashed a shit ton of walkers”, I explained lamely. It was the short version but still true.

“Go see Tanner. I’ll meet you over there after I get the truck situated. You can eat with us tonight”, he replied, trying to hide the concern in his voice. I knew I wasn’t getting out of him checking on me. I had to admit that a hot meal and maybe a mixed drink or two sounded amazing. It felt good to be home.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

It started to rain as I got to Dr. Tanner’s small clinic.

“What did you do this time?” She sighed the second she saw me. I couldn’t help but smirk. Alex Tanner was one of the few doctors I didn’t mind so much. She was straight to the point and never beat around the bush and I liked that.  What I didn’t like was she could be as stubborn as I me, and no matter what I did, no yelling, cursing or threatening could change her mind. She always got her way. I still hadn’t forgiven her for the time she made wear an ankle brace for a week after I severely sprained my ankle while hunting. Damn thing made it impossible to walk without a freaking limp. I repeated the same lame story that I told Rick. She sighed deeply as she helped me out of the sling and wrist brace. She examined my head and wrist first.

“Well, Sasha made the right call with the antibiotics. Your head looks good. She made another good call with the wrist brace. It’s exactly what I would have done.” She spoke in a matter of fact voice, but the way she looked at my shoulder I knew I wasn’t going to like what she was going to say. We sat in silence as she gently examined and felt my shoulder. It took everything I had not to cry out when she pressed on certain spots. I lost the battle when she attempted to move it.

“FUCK!” I yelped as sharp agonizing pain radiated through my entire arm and into my neck. The look she was giving me got even worse.

“This isn’t good”, she sighed. I rolled my eyes.

“No shit Sherlock. It’s dislocated.” My sarcasm earned an irritated glare.

“Not a good time to be making jokes. And, NO. It’s not dislocated, you’ve separated your shoulder, dumbass.” The look on her face stopped my next sarcastic remark in its tracks. “From what I can tell, it’s most likely a level three separation. All we can do is keep it in a protective sling and give you pain and anti-inflammatory medications.” The second she said sling I gave her a dark glare. “Don’t give me that look. You’re lucky it’s not worse. It’s bad enough. You’re going to have to take it easy, and I seriously mean it when I say at least a month, if not two. I don’t want you even thinking about lifting that crossbow of yours.”

“No fuckin’ way!” I hollered at her angrily.

“Damn it Dixon and your stubborn ways!” she yelled back at me, not fazed by my anger. “If you don’t listen to me you’re going to permanently damage your shoulder, and then you will never be able to lift that god forsaken, precious crossbow of yours!” Her words caused me to freeze. The thought of never being able to hunt again was worse than death to me. Her face softened as she saw the look of defeat in my eyes. The sound of someone opening the door broke the tension between us.

“I don’t hear you two screaming at each other, so I guess it’s not so bad”, Rick laughed as he walked into the room. His smile dropped the second he saw us. “What’s wrong?” He made no effort to hide the concern in his voice.

“He has a fractured wrist and a badly separated shoulder. Good luck keeping him in a sling for a month”, Tanner retorted. “I’ll get some medications for him to take. Make sure he takes the anti-inflammatories and not just the pain meds”, she called over her shoulder as she walked into a small closet that held all of the medication. She came out with two orange pill bottles. I glared at her when she handed them directly to Rick. “Instructions are on the bottles. Try and make him rest and eat something that’s not junk.”

“I’m right here” I muttered bitterly, glaring at them both. Being talked over like I wasn’t there royally pissed me off.

“Have fun! He’s all yours now”, Tanner told Rick, sarcastically. They started to help me put the wrist brace and sling that I had been wearing back on. I knew fighting would be pointless, so I settled for muttering curses and sending dark glares at them whenever I had the chance.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“Where are we going?” I asked miserably. I was in no mood to play games.

“To pick up Michonne. Remember the bar that was under construction when you left? We finished it about 6 months ago”, Rick replied as we drove down the street in his light green Kia. “Carol will have dinner ready when we get back. We’re all eating dinner together to celebrate your and Sasha’s safe return from the long haul”, he added cheerfully. Glaring, I sulked, watching the raindrops hit the window. I had no desire to eat with everyone and act like everything okay when it wasn’t. I looked ridiculous and weak in this stupid sling. Rick parked the car in front of a rustic looking tavern complete with neon lights.

“I’m not going in” I retorted continuing to stare out the window

“Your loss. Amber’s singing tonight”, Rick replied causally as he got out of the car. The rain steadily beat against the roof of the car.

“This is stupid”, I muttered as I got out of the car. I walked as quickly as I could towards the door. Amber sat at a keyboard in the middle of a small stage that sat in front of the room. Booths lined the walls and round tables were scattered around the room. I watched her fingers gracefully glide across the keys.

 

_Hey, Hey, My My,_  
Rock and roll is here to stay  
It's better to burn out  
Than to fade away  
My my, hey hey.  
  
Out of the blue  
and into the black  
They give you this,  
but you pay for that  
And once you're gone,  
you can never come back  
When you're out of the blue  
and into the black.

Her voice was strong and clear as she sang, captivating everyone in the room.

“Daryl!” Michonne called to me softly, motioning for me to come sit with her and Rick at their table. I wanted to ignore her, but I knew she wanted to see me, so I reluctantly walked over to them and sat down. She stared at me for a second, shocked at my appearance. She questioned me with her eyes. I gave her a ‘not now’ look, then I turned my attention to Amber.

_The king is gone_  
but he's not forgotten  
This is the story  
of a Johnny Rotten  
It's better to burn out  
than it is to rust  
The king is gone  
but he's not forgotten.  
  
Hey hey, my my  
Rock and roll can never die  
There's more to the picture  
Than meets the eye.  
Hey hey, my my.

 

Everyone clapped loudly when she finished. Smiling brightly, she stood up leaning towards the microphone.

“Thank you, everyone!” her voice soft and sweet. I saw her eyes widen when she saw me.

“Daryl! What happened?” Michonne didn’t waste any time bombarding me with questions. I had to repeat the same lame ass story that I had to tell Rick, and about what Tanner said about my shoulder. I had a feeling it wasn’t going to be the last time either.

“I’m going to get a drink”, I abruptly announced, getting up as Amber started walking towards the table.

“You shouldn’t be drinking…” Rick started.

“Yeah, whatever”, I cut him off as I walked to the bar. “Do you have any bourbon?” I asked the short bartender. She nodded, pulling a bottle from under the bar.

“Yea, you want it with Coke or straight?”

“We have coke?” I asked in disbelief. I hadn’t had Jack and Coke in years. She looked at me strangely, like I should know.

Yeah, Kade and Ashley brought two big pallets of soda back from the run months ago.”

“Jack and coke would be great”, I told her.

“She’s a beautiful singer, isn’t she?” Father Gabriel asked as he walked up beside me. I turned towards him surprised. He was the last person I thought would be here. He smiled at seeing the look on my face. “I come to hear her sing. I enjoy listening to her”, he explained as the bartender placed my drink on the table. I took my drink into my hand. “She got your letter”, he told me before I could walk away, causing me to pause to listen. “It made her happy.” I looked over at the table. She sat with Rick and Michonne smiling at whatever they were talking about. Her mohawk was tightly pulled into a French braid like the last time I saw her accept a few teal beads were woven into it. She wore tight black jeans and biker boots and a sparkly silver halter top. I noticed for the first time she had her both of her ears pierced. She wore small silver hoops that hugged her ear and two matching hoops in the cartilage of her ear. My heart pounded as I walked back over to the table and sat down. Amber scooted over to make sure I didn’t bump my shoulder. Her emerald eyes showed deep concern.

“Daryl, nice of you to join us”, Michonne teased. I took a sip of my drink that was 80% bourbon and 20% soda. Rick shot me a disapproving glare. I decided to ignore him. I was grown ass man. I could drink if I wanted too.

“Is that Jack and Coke?” Amber asked, catching me off guard. I nodded, offering her some. She took the glass our fingers touched for a second, and for the first time in my life I didn’t flinch away. She smiled at me ask she took a sip.

“Samantha always makes them strong”, Michonne commented as she is handed the glass back to me.

“Oh yeah! I forgot she was working tonight” Amber agreed, giggling. “I better stop while I’m ahead”, she added. Rick and Michonne laughed with her.

“Remember New Years last year?” Rick asked, which ignited more laughter.

“We had a big New Year bash here and Tom had Merle bring a huge load of bourbon, vodka, rum, you name it. And, he also brewed a crap ton of shine”, Michonne laughed.

“Yeah, you know that us quiet ones know how to party”, Amber teased.

“YOU, quiet?” Michonne laughed.  “Daryl here is the quiet one!”

“Might be quiet, but I can drink any one of ya under the table.”

“We should test this” Amber giggled.

“Oh no! Carol would have all of our heads if we showed up at the house trashed”,  Rick warned. “Speaking of Carol, we better head back home before she sends a search party after us.”

“That’s a good idea, I’m hungry”, Amber announced getting up with Michonne, leaving Rick and me alone at the table. I finished off my drink watching her walk towards the door. Her braid swayed softly as she walked.

“How’s your shoulder?” Rick asked seriously. I shrugged my good shoulder.

“Manageable”, I respond. It was a half-truth. My shoulder throbbed painfully. The alcohol had helped a little but not much. Rick pulled one of the bottles of pills out of his pocket and pushed it across the table to me along with the bottle of water he had been drinking. “Thanks.” I took the bottle and slid it into my vest pocket. I knew I wouldn’t be able to open the bottle because of the childproof lid but, there was no way in hell I was going to ask Rick to help me in the middle of a crowded bar.

“Let’s go”, Rick said as we got up. “Carol’s been dying to see you since she heard you got back”, he added.

 

The ride home was quiet. Rick insisted that I ride up front with him so that my shoulder would be comfortable. I was too tired to argue with him. Carol was standing on the porch when we arrived at the house.

“Daryl!” she cried out happily as I got out of the car. “Oh my god! What happened?” her face showed the same shock everyone else had. I was happy to see her, but I really didn’t feel like answering a hundred questions. She instantly understood the look on my face and didn’t ask any more questions. Instead, she gave me a gentle hug. “I’m so happy you’re home”, she whispered in my ear.

“Me too”, I answered, exhausted. The house smelled of fresh lasagna and breadsticks. In the dinning room, the table was fully set with lit candles. As much as everything looked and smelled amazing, all I wanted to do was go downstairs and rest. Carol looked at me as if she could read my mind.

“Daryl, why don’t you go downstairs and rest? I’ll bring a plate down to you. You look like you’re exhausted.” Her words made me feel relieved as I silently turned and walked down the set of stairs next to the kitchen. The cool air felt amazing. I flipped on the light at the bottom of the stairs. it felt incredible to be back in my small apartment. I collapsed in my beat up old recliner that sat next to a matching loves seat. A flat screen TV mounted against the wall with a small bookshelf under it sat across from me. I pulled the bottle of pain pills out of my pocket and attempted to open it with one hand. I was about to try it with my teeth when a creamy white hand pulled it from my hands. Startled. I looked up to see Amber’s green eyes staring into mine. A plate full of lasagna and breadsticks in her other hand.

“Let me help”, she said softly, setting the plate down on the end table. I hadn’t noticed she had already set down a glass of water and another orange pill bottle. The bottled opened with a soft “pop”. She then handed me two white pills and held out the glass of water.

“Thank you”, I whispered, taking the pills. She gave a little shrug.

“Rick wants you to take the anti-inflammatories” she told me softly as she opened the second bottle. She shook out two light blue pills into her hand. I took them when she held them out to me. I was surprised when she didn’t turn to leave after she handed me the plate of food.

“Uh, I was wondering if it would be okay if I came down here and ate with you? So that you’re not alone.” she looked down at her feet. “And, uh, I have this gel…. Um…...pack in my bag that has really helped me”, she added, stuttering a little bit.

“I don’t care. You can if you want to”, I replied casually. She looked up at me surprised.

“I’ll be right back”, she said, giving me a warm smile before she quickly jogged up the steps. She wasn’t gone more than 10 minutes when I heard her soft steps coming down the stairs. She had a small, teal bag on her shoulder and a small tray with her food and a wine glass on it.  “I brought a movie if you would like to watch it while we eat”, she told me softly, setting the tray on the end table and her bag on the floor.

“What movie?” I asked in between bites of food.

“Avatar”, she replied, sitting down on the side of the love seat closest to me.

“That is one long ass movie. You sure you want to be down here that long?” I couldn’t help but tease. I was surprised how easy it was to talk to her.

“It’s a good movie”, she replied, defending her choice playfully. She put the DVD in the player that set on top of the bookshelf.  “Your brother gave this to me a long time ago, and its always helped with pain and swelling for me. I thought maybe it would help your shoulder when you take the sling off to sleep”, she admitted to me, pulling a worn gel-pack out of her bag.

“Merle gave it too you?” I commented, surprised that he would do that.

“Yeah. He kept saying he was keeping a promise. That was the night he beat the shit out of Connor.” She looked down at her food and began picking at it.

“What happened at the Sanctuary?”  I couldn’t help but ask. My curiosity getting the best of me. I was sure she was going to get upset and leave, but we sat in silence for a few moments as the movie played through the old movie trailers.

“After Merle “talked” to Connor, he locked me in our walk-in closet for a long time. Then, he made an agreement with Jason who ran a brothel. Connor got a fifth of his choice of liquor and a gram of meth every night Jason had me. I was there for almost two months before Merle found me there. He killed Connor and took me to the Sanctuary. The rest is history.” I could tell she was choking back tears.  She continued to push her food on her plate around with her fork. I hit play on the DVD remote because I didn’t know what to say. I had made things worse for her, but at the same time if I hadn’t had Merle look after her she would still be with this Connor bastard. If Merle hadn’t killed him, I would have. We sat and watched the movie in comfortable silence making snide remarks here and there about the movie. It was late when we finished Part One of the movie. I was having trouble staying awake. The pain killers I had taken earlier were giving me a comfortable, pain free buzz. Amber silently collected our dirty dishes, setting them on the tray. “I’ll put the gel-pack in the fridge. Um, would you like me to help you out of the sling?” she asked, shyly. I nodded, feeling weak that I needed help, but I didn’t see sympathy in her eyes or actions. I had seen her at one of her lowest times and now she was seeing me at a low point in mine.

“Thank you, again”, I slightly slurred, sinking into the recliner.

“You can hold your own when it comes to liquor, but you can’t when it comes to pain pills”, Amber teased, smirking. “Get some rest”, she added before she turned to walk up the stairs.

“Hey! You wanna finish the movie tomorrow?” I blurted out without thinking. I heard her pause.

“Sure”, she then continued up the steps. _What the hell was I doing?_ Was the last thing going through my mind before I fell asleep.

  



	9. Hanging Tree

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A extra special shout out to my beyond amazing beta reader!!!

Stars Can’t shine without Darkness

Chapter 9

 

Hanging tree – James Newton Howard

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKAM_Hk4eZ>

 

 

Amber POV

 

I silently walked up the stairs, my heart pounding nervously. This evening had been amazing even if it was just eating and watching a movie in his small apartment.

“Is he asleep?” Carol asked as I placed the dirty dishes gently in the dishwasher.

“He was close to it when I left. The medication seemed to be helping. I put a gel pack in the fridge that he can use later if he needs”, I replied. She smiled softly. We walked into the living room and found Rick rocking Judith to sleep in a wooden rocking chair. Michonne was sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace reading a book.

“Thank you for keeping an eye on him. He can be as stubborn as a child sometimes”, Carol continued.

“I’m surprised he let you eat with him.” I couldn’t help but grin at Rick’s comment.

“It’s probably because he was too tired to fight back”, Michonne teased as she gave me a look that said something different. I rolled my eyes at her.

“I’m going to head home. Thank you for dinner”, I said gratefully, trying to stifle a yawn. It had been an eventful day and I had to get up early for church in the morning.

“Come over for lunch afterwards”, Rick invited, smiling.

“I would love to.” I’d been planning on taking Melody out for a ride, but I could do that later in the afternoon, or maybe that evening. It had been a lifetime ago since I took a midnight ride under the stars. The street was dark, a cool mist rose from the asphalt from the rain earlier. The air smelt earthy and clean my mind wondered back to Daryl asleep in his beat-up recliner as I reached the church steps. I decided to go in through the sanctuary, the piano was calling my name. I adored my keyboard in my room but there was something about the baby grand piano in the sanctuary surrounded by candles and stained glass that soothed me when I had too much on my mind.

 

I played for about an hour before deciding to go to bed. I pulled on a pair of pink sweat pants and oversized t-shirt. I then pulled the teal Rosary over my head holding it tightly as I knelt by my bed and whispered my nightly prayers, praying for everyone’s health and safety especially Daryl’s.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Daryl POV

 

“Daryl”, someone whispered to me, softly. I opened my eyes slowly and saw Carol standing in front of me, holding my meds.

“Really? Couldn’t this have waited?” I muttered grumpily, rolling my eyes.

“No. It’s already past noon”, she replied. I groaned to myself for sleeping all morning. It wasn’t normal for me. I was usually up with the sun, not laying on my ass.

“Whatever”, I snipped irritably, taking the pills from her hand and swallowing them with the water she handed.

“You need to put the sling back on”, she added in a motherly tone that always bothered me. Before I could say anything, I was being pulled me up onto my feet. “Don’t make me get Rick”, she warned when I shot her a death glare. I reluctantly let her help me back into the sling and swath that I was developing a growing deep hatred for. “Would you like me to bring you some lunch, or would you rather come upstairs to eat with us? Rick invited Amber over for lunch when she gets out of church.”

“I’ll come upstairs”, I mumbled, following her up the steps. I was hoping to be able to go outside for a little bit and get some fresh air before I was stuck inside again. I knew Carol was going to hover over me like a mother hen, trying to take care of me.

Michonne was setting the table in the dining room. When we got to the top of the stairs, I made a bee line towards the front door. Jerking it open I almost ran into Amber, her hand raised about to knock, we stared in silence for a second, she turned, giving me room to come out onto the porch.

“How are you feeling?” she asked, sweetly. She allowed the door close behind me instead of going inside.

“Okay, I guess”, I replied. She leaned against the banister of the porch facing her she pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her jacket pocket, offering me one, which I gladly accepted. She lit her own before handing me a green lighter. “Thanks. I didn’t take you for a smoker”, I told her before taking a deep drag. She shrugged, sitting down in one of the white rocking chairs on the porch.

“Father Gabriel doesn’t really approve, but as long as I don’t smoke in the church he lets it go”, she replied, exhaling a cloud of nicotine. We sat in comfortable silence just listening to the noise of the neighborhood.

“Do you like it here?”, I asked, breaking the silence. Before she could answer a familiar gruff voice called my name.

“Daryl! What the hell happened?” Merle called as he walked up onto the porch. Amber put her cigarette out and quickly went back into the house without a word. I glared at Merle he and he laughed. “Awww!! did I interrupt poor Darlena talking to his hard on?” he teased.

“Shut up. What the hell are you doing here anyway?” I snapped at him.

“I heard you made it back yesterday. Wanted to see how it went. From the looks of it not that well”, he replied, looking at my shoulder. Brief concern flashed in his eyes. As much of an asshole as Merle was, I knew he wasn’t all that bad. He just liked people to think he was a racist, uncaring prick who liked to piss everyone off.

“I’m fine. We got a ton of shit. We’re set for a long time”, I replied, finishing off my cigarette.

“What happened?”

“Don’t wanna talk about it.” I wasn’t going to repeat the damn story again. He shrugged, not caring.

“Let’s go to the bar. I need a drink”, he suggested. 

“Only you need a drink in the middle of the day”, I retorted, following him off the porch.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Amber POV

 

Melody whinnied softly as I lifted the saddle onto her back and started buckling the strap.

“Shhhh, sweet girl, it’s a beautiful night and I know your eager to get out of this stall”, I whispered, stroking her neck.  It was almost 12:30 in the morning and I couldn’t wait to get out under the stars. Daryl never came from going out with his brother. Rick went to the bar to look for them and they weren’t there. One of the bar tenders told him that she overheard them talking about going hunting out beyond the wall. Cameron, the one on gate duty, confirmed it. Rick was furious. It had taken everything Michonne had to stop him from going out looking for him. It was pointless, the woods were his home and his brother’s. You weren’t going to find them, especially if they didn’t want to be found.

 I gave up waiting for him to see if he wanted to watch to finish Avatar when he got back. When I looked at the clock, it was past 11:30. Rick and Michonne had long since gone to bed but let me wait on the couch. I felt disappointed but understood that he wanted to spend time with his brother. Knowing Merle, it had been his idea to go outside the walls hunting, even though his brother was in no condition to be out there.

I easily lifted myself up into the saddle clucking my tongue and squeezing my heels together gently letting Melody know to go forward. Stars shone brightly in the crystal-clear sky as we traveled down the path towards the trail. I breathed in the fresh air as I urged Melody into a gallop.  The wind blew through my long hair. I was glad I had chosen to wear it down, it felt freeing. We slowed down to a leisurely walk. When we reached the start of the trail I started to sing softly. Melody’s ears perked up hearing my voice.

_Are you, are you_  
Coming to the tree  
They strung up a man  
They say who murdered three  
Strange things did happen here  
No stranger would it be  
If we met at midnight  
In the hanging tree

_Are you, are you_  
Coming to the tree  
Where dead man called out  
For his love to flee  
Strange things did happen here  
No stranger would it be  
If we met at midnight  
In the hanging tree

 

We lazily continued down the trail. The white stones marking the past glowed in the moonlight. I started sing the rest of the song when Melody stopped abruptly her ears tilted back

“What’s wrong girl?” I whispered, my heart froze at hearing a faint rattle. I didn’t get the chance to look around to see where the snake was before Melody suddenly reared, snorting loudly. I cried out as I fell out of the saddle onto the hard ground. I heard a sharp thump next to me and turned to see a long tan snake less than a foot from me with a knife sticking out of the middle of its head.

“Woah, woah”, a gruff voice soothed. I looked up to find Daryl had Melody’s reigns with his good hand leading her back up, so she could calm down. His eyes turned towards me, “What the hell are you doing out here?”

“Riding”, I replied lamely as I got up off the ground.

“No shit Sherlock. Why are you out here in the middle of the night?” He snapped back, rolling his eyes as he walked over to me with, Melody in tow.

“I could ask you the same thing” I retorted, taking the lead reigns.  I glared at him and he looked away. A sudden sadness on his face. It was then I noticed where we were. Beth’s memorial stone stood beside us, fresh roses had been added. “Were you close to her?” I asked, my eyes wide with shock. He was the last person I would have ever thought would be sentimental. He nodded still refusing to look at me.

“Yeah. She was a good kid. Braver then any one of us”, his voice full of sorrow. I couldn’t help but feel sad with him.

“Would you like to walk back to the barn with me?” I asked breaking the awkward silence. He shrugged his good shoulder, turning towards me.

“Sure.” I smiled at him shyly. We slowly started to walk back towards the entrance of the trail. “Do you ride?”, asking curiously, wanting to know more about him.

“Some. I prefer motorcycles though”, he replied, softly. 

“That’s cool. My uncle had a Kawasaki. He used to take me for rides on the Blue Ridge Parkway.” He snorted laughing. I looked at him strangely, his reaction catching me off guard.

“A crotch rocket?” he continued to laugh. “Only thing my ass is riding is a Harley!” his laugh was contagious, putting a big grin on my face.

“Well, I’ll make you a deal, you go riding with me sometime and when your shoulder gets better, and you can take me out on your Harley”, I bargained. He paused for a second giving me an odd look. My heart sank. I knew I had gone too far.

“Okay, deal.” My heart did a 360 and soared.

“Awesome! As long as you don’t bail on me”, I teased.

“Shit”, he muttered, realizing that he had stood me up.

“It’s okay”, I said quickly. “I really do understand. You haven’t seen your brother in over a year. Of course, you would want to spend time with him.” He sighed refusing to look at me

“If you say so”, he muttered under his breath.

“Aww, quit brooding”, I couldn’t help pestering him. The look on his face was priceless.

“I’m not brooding”, he defended himself, his tone trying to be serious, but you could tell he didn’t mean it.

“If you say so”, I giggled seeing his smirk.

“You’re a smart-ass you know that?”

“Michonne might have mentioned it on occasion.” We started laughing together as the barn’s shadow came into view the distance.

The sky was starting to turn a beautiful orange when we got done untacking and giving Melody some hay and water. My back was starting to get sore from the fall earlier in the morning. Daryl seemed to notice.

“You okay?” He asked with concern.

“Yeah, just getting sore from falling off Melody”, I admitted honestly.

“You can have some of my pain meds. They’re in my apartment”, he offered.

“No, I can’t teach a class of toddlers buzzed”, I laughed softly shaking my head. “I don’t think their moms would be pleased.”

“You could always play hooky”, he suggested sarcastically.

“I wish I could, but there’s only a week left before summer break”, I told him, honestly. As we reached Rick’s house we could see Merle smoking a blunt on the steps. Daryl sighed muttering something under his breath that I couldn’t make out.

“He’s leaving in a few hours”, he answered my questioning gaze. “I’m going with him. We’re going to take a truck load of some of the supplies Sasha and I brought back to the Sanctuary.” I couldn’t help but frown sadly.

“When will you be back?” I asked him.

“Maybe a week. I’m not sure”, he replied. We stopped before we got close to the porch, so Merle couldn’t hear our conversation.

“Please make sure to take your anti-inflammatory meds. Not just your pain ones”, I whispered. looking down shyly. The touch of his finger lifting my chin startled me. His bright blue eyes met mine and I couldn’t help but get lost in them.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.” His gaze made my heart flutter. “And no more midnight rides okay?” He ordered gently. I nodded my agreement.

“Daryl! Get your ass over here or take her inside and fuck her!” Merle shouted. We both rolled our eyes irritably.

“I really wish someone would sew his mouth shut”, I muttered, then freezing. I had forgotten that, that was his brother and was prepared for a harsh remark, instead he snorted laughing.

“Me and you both. Go on. I’ll take care of dumbass over there”, nodding, I couldn’t help but grin as I walked away towards the church, my heart beating loudly. Replaying the night’s events over in my head.

“Amber”, Father Gabriel’s voice broke my thoughts. I hadn’t realized he was sitting at the kitchen table when I came in. “Where have you been?” he asked, worried.

“I went for a ride last night. The sky was so beautiful, and I lost track of time”, I told him, instantly feeling guilty that I wasn’t telling him the whole truth. I left out the parts about the snake incident and Daryl. Gabriel pushed a mug of tea towards me as I sat down across from him.

“Please leave a note or tell me next time. You had me worried when I went to see if you wanted some breakfast.” I nodded tiredly as I picked up the mug of tea and took a sip.

“I’m sorry Father. I won’t do it again.”

“Well, God must have known you would need sleep. The twins’ mom stopped by to let you know that they weren’t feeling well this morning and wouldn’t be a Toddler Time this morning and that Carrie wouldn’t be either”, Gabriel told me. I couldn’t help but feel relieved. I didn’t think I would have been able to stay awake to teach the spunky girls. Since I didn’t have Toddler Time that meant I could lay down for a couple hours before I had to go to the school to teach the teenagers. I yawned finishing my tea.

“I’m going to lay down for a little while”, I told Father Gabriel.

“Rest well, my Daughter”, he smiled as I tried to stifle another yawn.

 

I decided to take a shower before I laid down. I knew I had to smell like sweat, dirt and horses. After my quick shower, I pulled on a light blue cotton nightgown and sweatpants before curling up under the quilt on my bed. As I drifted off to sleep, my mind wondered back to Daryl and his bright blue eyes and hoping I would get to see them again soon.


	10. Diamond Eyes

Stars Can’t shine without Darkness

Chapter 10

Diamond Eyes

 

 

Shinedown - Diamond Eyes

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mj_hApbc5qg>

 

 

Six weeks passed, and Daryl still hadn’t come back. Rick and Michonne both assured me he was fine and that it was because of multiple herds that had been moving through the area.

At the monthly townhall meeting Rick declared a curfew for everyone’s safety and mentioned possibly declaring a noise ordinance in the future to keep from attracting any more walkers. Our walls were tall, strong and reinforced by steel bars and concrete, but we weren’t going to take any chances. A scout team had been sent out to assess the situation and to see how large the herd was getting. School was out for summer break and to start getting ready for the fall harvest to start at the first of August which wasn’t far away. Every day after my morning prayers, I rode Melody down the newly completed horse trail. Keeping my promise to Daryl, I never rode after dark. At night I played and sang either at the bar or in the church sanctuary.  I also had started praying at the alter surrounded by the glowing candles that Father Gabriel lit every evening at dusk, it was quickly becoming a comforting habit. I couldn’t help but worry about the growing walker herds. At night you could sometimes hear the groans outside the walls. The cool metal of my Rosery in my hands, my soft whispers echoed throughout the room as I prayed for everyone’s health and safety especially Daryl’s and sometimes, Merle’s name snuck into them without a thought.

_"I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You'll never - I promise - regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we're at our worst._

_Our father is kind; you be kind “don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults – unless of course, you want the same treatment Don’t condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you’ll find your life a lot easier. Luke 6: 35-38_

Merle was an asshole who pissed off almost everyone who came in contact with him, but I had come to the conclusion that he still deserved someone to pray for him. He had saved me and showed me kindness at a time when I was desperately in need of it, even if it was only because he was keeping his promise to Daryl, he didn’t have to give me the aloe gel back or kill Connor. Just like Daryl, I knew there had to be more too him than meets the eye.

“Amber, hold still”, Michonne’s voice broke my thoughts as she continued cutting.  My long hair had become heavy and growing harder to manage, so I decided to go back to a similar hairstyle that I had, had when I was a stripper at the Sanctuary. The sides of my head was still shaved like always but instead of keeping the hair on the top of my head long reaching the middle of my back I was having Michonne cut it to shoulder length so I could still pull it up into a small bun. “The sooner you keep your head still the sooner you can get back to the barn. As much time you spend in there and on the trail, people are starting to think you sleep with Melody in the barn.”

“I may have spent a few nights in her stall”, I confessed, laughing.

“You better not let Rick find out! You know how strict he can be about curfew”, she warned, playfully

“Then let’s keep this between us. We’re allowed to have a few girl secrets.” Michonne rolled her eyes at my sarcasm.

“Yeah, sure, are you coming to the dinner tonight?” she asked as she kept combing and cutting my hair in precise movements.

“Maybe. I’m not sure”, I answered. The new community center was officially finished and everyone in Alexandria was getting together for a big potluck dinner tonight to celebrate. We had gotten word if they’re weren’t too many walkers in the area. Jesus, Dr. Caron, Maggie and her son were going to try and come. As much as I would love to see them, especially Maggie and little Hershel Glenn, I didn’t want to go to the big dinner. I always got anxious around a bunch of people. I preferred small dinners with close friends.

“Earth to Amber, you okay?” Michonne’s voice once again brought me back to reality. I heard her lay her scissors down on the table and slowly turn the computer chair around, so I was facing her. Her dark mocha brown eyes full of concern.

“Yeah, just tired I stayed up all night reading Black Beauty last night.” It was a half-truth. I had read a few chapters, but I stayed up most of the night praying. I recently started having recurring nightmares of running from walkers outside the walls. I’m running through the woods, my heart pounding in my chest painfully, lungs on fire from being unable to get enough oxygen. A walker grabbing my ankle causing me to fall, the weight of rotten bodies on top of me clawing at my back, waking up with a scream in my throat, tears streaming down my face and clothes soaked in sweat. The only thing that would calm me was playing on my keyboard and praying at the altar. The exhaustion from not getting enough sleep was starting to show. The nights I had slept in Melody’s stall weren’t exactly planned. I had curled up on a bale of hay to rest for a moment, next thing I knew it was early morning.

“Are you still having those nightmares?” she asked seriously. Michonne was the only one that I had confided in about the nightmares.

“Yeah”, I replied, nodding my head sadly.

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk to Dr. Tanner or Rick about them?”

“I don’t want to bother them. Besides its just dreams”, I answered, immediately shaking my head no.

“You can’t keep going on a few hours of sleep”, Michonne countered. “You’re starting to withdraw from us and people are starting notice”, she added. Sighing, I knew she was right. I spent most of my time either riding or in the church reading and praying. Even Father Gabriel had started to worry after I declined going over to Carol’s and Rick’s house for dinner for the third-time.

“I’ll come to the dinner tonight”, I reluctantly agreed. She smiled softly

“I’ll save you a seat and I’ll see if I can get a table near the windows.” I knew she was trying to be comforting, but I couldn’t help but dread it. “Hey, here’s something to cheer you up. Rick got a pigeon from the Hilltop this morning and Maggie, Hershel Glenn and Jesus are on their way over here. They should get here in a couple hours.” I couldn’t help grin at hearing this. Since the start of the summer Maggie and I had been writing to each other regularly and even had our own pigeon named Drax. Drax had been used during the long haul and was one of the friendlier pigeons who didn’t mind being held. Carol often teased that Maggie and I were pen pals. We often wrote each other about how the crops were coming along and how the expansions were going. When she heard we had a horse trail to ride on, Maggie with the help of Jesus had started planning one of their own. I couldn’t wait to see them. Michonne made the last finishing touches on my hair and turned me back around She handed me a small mirror, so I could see how it looked. All the weight that had been bothering me was gone and it felt amazing.

“I love it!” I told her, smiling. “It feels wonderful!” I added, giving her a hug.

“I’m glad you like it. I’m going over the community center and help Rick finish getting everything ready for tonight. Would you like to come with me?” She invited me. I shook my head.

“I’m going to take Melody out for a ride before I have to get ready for the pot luck.”  Michonne frowned. I knew she didn’t want me going back out, withdrawing even farther into myself. “I’ll be fine”. I tried to reassure her.

“Try to be back by six, so you can be back in time to get ready for dinner. It starts at seven.”  Michonne gave me a worried look which I met with a smile.

“I promise. I’ll even wear that ridiculous outfit you put together and gave me”, I teased. Her frown slowly turned into a smile as we both stood up.

“Okay, I’ll see you then.” She pulled me into a hug before leaving. I decided to take a quick shower before going back out, as I was pulling out fresh clothes out of my dresser, someone knocked softly on my door.

“Come in”, I called as I opened my small closet to get the bag of clothes that I promised Michonne I would wear tonight. I was surprised to see Father Gabriel come into the room. “Father, how are you? I figured you would be at the Community Center helping get everything ready”, I said as he pulled the chair out that sat at the keyboard and sat down.

“I am about too, but I wanted to talk to you first”, He told me seriously my heart sank I should have known this was coming. I sat down on the bed facing him.

“What about? Is everything okay?” I asked trying to ignore the rolling in my stomach from nervousness.

“Michonne and Rick came to me, they are worried about you, and to be honest, I am too. I need you to tell me what’s bothering you.” I looked down at the floor unable to look into his eyes. I never could truly lie to Father Gabriel. He had taken me in, fed me, gave me a room in his church, and because of him, for the first time since the start of the end, I felt like I had a home. “I’ve noticed you are not socializing with everyone. You do your assigned chores and stay out on the trail all day. Then, at night I find that you are in the sanctuary playing or praying. Both are wonderful things, but I can sense you are running from something and you need to talk to me about it.” His words were kind and gentle. I couldn’t help but feel ashamed of running from him and everyone else because I knew they all wanted to be there for me. I nodded as tears started to roll down my face.

“I’m sorry Father”, I cried. I began to tell him everything, the dreams of death, and how the sounds of the walkers outside the walls put fear in my heart.  “I’m terrified that something is going to happen to everyone I care about, and I’m going to be alone again”, I confessed without thinking. I hadn’t even told Michonne this. My deepest fear was being alone again. I would rather die than going through it again. Father Gabriel wrapped his arms around me as I cried.

“Shhh my child, everything is okay, everyone is safe”, he soothed. _But Daryl and his Brother aren’t. They might be out there!_ My mind screamed, making me sob even harder into Gabriel’s shoulder. “My daughter, we must trust in God that he will keep everyone, especially our loved ones safe. He watches over us all. We must have faith in him”, he told me lifting my chin up so he could look into my eyes.  “What does Proverbs 31:25?” he asked me.

“She is clothed in strength, and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future." I answered softly. The words soothed me. 

He smiled, “That’s right. Always remember his word will sooth our fears. Would you like me to put together a list of comforting Scripture?” he asked. I nodded. I wish I had thought of that sooner.

“Yes, I would greatly appreciate it.”

“I’ll get to work on it. I’ll give it to you tonight after the big potluck”, he told me, slowly standing up laying his hand on my shoulder and giving it a reassuring squeeze.

“Thank you, Father”, I told him. “I better start getting ready. I have to check on Melody before I go to the potluck and make sure she has enough food and water”, I said getting up also.

“Would you like to pray with me in the sanctuary before you go?” he asked.

“Yes, I would like that very much”, I answered. I always enjoyed praying with Father Gabriel.

“I will be in my office when you get done”, he told me. I smiled and gave him a hug before he left.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

I took my time taking a shower. The hot water felt amazing against my skin. The last couple weeks I had neglected taking care of myself. Eating small meals, mostly at the bar when I played or a sandwich out on the trail. And taking ten-minute showers, just long enough to wash the dirt and sweat from my body and hair. I reached for the bottle of vanilla lemon soap in the shower caddy that hung from the shower head Michonne had insisted I fill a small bag of soaps and lotion when we found a whole crate of Bath and Body Works soaps, lotions and body creams, everything Bath and Body works had carried in their store before the end. Thanks to Michonne I had at least a year’s work of different scented lotions and shower gel. Normally, I usually ignored the froufrou girly soap and used a plain unscented bar of soap that the hilltop made, but today I was going to get through this rut that I had been in and have faith like Father Gabriel told me. When the water started to grow cold, I turned it off and reached for the fluffy green towel that hung on a hook by the shower. I dried off and pulled on some clean boy short panties and a strapless bra. I decided to go ahead and put on the silly outfit Michonne insisted I wear one day. It consisted of a black pencil miniskirt and matching long sleeve V-neck crop top that had the shoulders cut out. Since you could see my belly button, I decided to dig out my old belly button ring that had a silver butterfly hanging from it out of my jewelry box. When I looked in the mirror, I barely recognized myself. These was the kind of clothes I wore back when things were normal. After wearing jeans or sweat pants for so long, wearing a skirt felt foreign to me. Taking a deep breath, a silent prayer on my lips, I slid on some black flats and went to find Father Gabriel.

 

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Father Gabriel and I took turns reading different bible verses about faith and comfort that soothed my bruised heart. After we prayed together, I gave Gabriel a big hug before leaving to go check on Melody. As I walked toward the barn, I noticed a commotion at the gate. I turned that direction and watched as the guards allowed cars to come in. My heart soared at seeing Maggie’s blue grey 4Runner come through the gates. I followed her as she slowly drove down the street, so the other cars could enter. She parked in front of Ricks house.

“Maggie!” I shouted excitedly as she got out of the car. I ran up to her and gave her a big hug.

“Amber! I am so happy to see you!” she greeted me. I couldn’t help but grin.

“Me too! Do you have Hershel-Glenn with you?” I asked hopefully. She sadly shook her head no

“No, he’s with Enid. With so many walkers around I was afraid to take him outside the compound”, She explained. I felt sad but understood. The safety of her son came first.

“I completely understand. I am so glad you made it!” She gave me a bright smile.

“How is everyone? I heard Daryl hurt his shoulder coming back from the Long Haul?” she asked, concerned. I frowned at her question.

“I honestly don’t know how he’s doing. He took off with Merle a few days after they got back. Last I heard he was at the sanctuary, helping with tracking game or something like that”, I replied unhappily. Maggie’s smile faded to a sad frown.

“That’s Daryl for you. He’d follow his asshole of a brother anywhere.”  I sighed, shrugging my shoulder.

“Well it is his brother, I can’t blame him too much for going with him. Blood family is a rare thing these days”, I replied. “Even if they’re a total dickhead.” I couldn’t help but defend Merle.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right”, she commented, giving me a sad look as we started to walk towards the Community Center. “Beth would have loved it here.”

“What was she like?” I couldn’t help but ask. Maggie smiled.

“She always saw the good in people, and always found the positive in any situation” she told me.

“Were Beth and Daryl Close?” The question slipped out before I could stop it.

“When the prison got attacked, and we were separated, Beth and Daryl ended up on the run together. Daryl said she wouldn’t give up on finding everyone. Drove him crazy.” She glanced at me. Tears dancing in her eyes. “Yeah, they got really close. When she died, it devastated him. I don’t think he ever stopped blaming himself for what happened.” A tear slid down her face and she quickly wiped it away.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized feeling terrible for bringing it up.

She gave me a smile. “Don’t be. I’m fine. I just miss her”, she told me, giving me a hug. “Don’t give up on him. Be patient”, she added. I looked at her, confused. Her smile turned into a sly grin, deciding to not reply. I had decided for the last time to not chase something that wasn’t there, and I wasn’t going to let them try to play matchmaker.

 

You could smell all the amazing food that had been prepared when we walked through the Community Center’s front door. Long tables that had been placed against the wall near the kitchen were laden with many kinds of delicious food. My stomach growled, reminding me I hadn’t eaten anything all day. Several round tables were scattered around the room with plates and silverware already set at each seat. Michonne stood up and waved, signaling for us to come over to one of the tables that that sat in front of the wall that was all glass showing a magnificent view of the crop fields in the distance. Most of the townspeople were already here and getting settled at the other tables. A few stragglers were walking in the door behind us.

“Maggie! I am so glad you made it!” Michonne exclaimed giving her a huge hug.

“I am so happy to see you too! Where is everyone else?” Maggie asked.

“Carl and Judith are with Carol getting washed up and Rick’s making sure everyone is ready before we start getting ready to line up and get food”, she explained. I couldn’t help but scoff. Of course, Rick would want to micromanage everything. Even a simple potluck dinner. As if on cue, Rick stood up on a small podium in front of the room. Michonne let out a loud whistle to get everyone to stop talking. Rick cleared his throat before speaking.

“I want to thank everyone for being here. If it wasn’t for all of you and all the hard work everyone has put into this growing community, we wouldn’t be here now. And I think this is something to celebrate!” Everyone started clapping when he finished his brief speech. “Let’s eat! First the kids, and then the adults”, he added, grinning. The room suddenly went back to everyone talking at once, parents trying to get their children in line to get food and the sound of chairs being pushed back. I was grateful that Michonne picked a table that was not as close to the other tables and against the window. My heart pounded uncomfortably in my chest.

“Amber, are you okay?” Maggie asked, looking at me concerned.

“Yeah. I just don’t like big crowds”, answering honestly.

“You want to go outside while the kids get food? I can come get you when it’s time for the adults”, she suggested.

“That sounds like a great idea”, I replied, getting up. Michonne gave me an understanding look as I headed towards the door.

 

I decided to go check on Melody, the barn wasn’t far from the community center and it would take a while for the kids to get their food. And I didn’t want to have to deal with being in line with the other adults. I enjoyed the cool crisp air of fall starting to settle in. The sky was a beautiful red and orange as the sun started to set. You could hear the soft sounds of the horses inside the barn as I slid the barn door open.

“I thought I told you no more night rides?” a gruff voice came from the dimly lit barn. I could see the outline of Daryl leaning against one of stall doors. The soft glow of the end of his lit cigarette in his mouth as he took a drag.

“I didn’t know you were back”, I answered softly as I walked over to him.

“Just got back about an hour ago”, he told me as I lit one of the lanterns hanging by the stall door. The soft glow of light let me see him better. He looked tired, but physically well. I was surprised to see that his arm was still in a sling, but it was different than the one he had worn when he left. He now wore a simple 2-inch-wide web strap sling that kept his shoulder still. I couldn’t help but wonder how bad his shoulder was, because if he was still in a sling willingly, it had to still be bothering him.

“I’m glad your back. I’m surprised Merle let you out of his sight”, I teased.

“He isn’t the boss of me”, he retorted, rolling his eyes. He tossed his cigarette onto the concrete floor away from the hay and crushed it with his foot.

“Oh, I’m sure. I bet when he calls you come running”, I egged him on playfully.

“You better watch your mouth”, he snapped back, a soft smile on his lips. I couldn’t help but laugh. Our eyes met for a brief second, causing my heart to skip a beat. “You wanna go ride the trail?” His question caught me off guard. I gave him a questioning look and he smirked at me. “Remember our little deal? I go horseback riding with you, I get to take you out on my Harley” he reminded me with a grin.

“Are you sure you can?” I couldn’t help but ask, looking at his shoulder.

“I can do whatever the hell I want”, he snapped, scowling at me.

“I can see that”, I responded shaking my head. Lord, he could be moodier than some women! “Let me get Melody ready….” I started as I pulled the stall door open. I was stunned to see that she was saddled and ready to go a pair of grey sweatpants lay on a bale of hay beside her.

“She already is. I got Jesus to get her and the one we brought back from the Sanctuary ready”, he explained as I stood there in shock.

“Wow! You know how to prepare”, I whispered, still in shock, walking into the stall with Melody.

 I pulled the stall door closed and quickly slid off the tight skirt and pulled on the sweats. I couldn’t help wondering how he knew that I would need them. Deciding to put the thought aside, I opened the stall door back up as Daryl was pulling a second stall door open.

My eyes grew wide as Daryl led a gorgeous black Belgium out of the stall, saddled and ready to go.

“I gotta figure out how you guys pull amazing horses out of your asses”, I whispered in disbelief. Daryl laughed.

“She’s been at the Sanctuary for about year. They kept her in a small barn a few miles from the main compound. They never had much use for her except taking her out hunting a few times. Merle let me bring her here”, he explained.

“What’s her name?” I couldn’t help but ask as I gently rubbed her soft cheek.

“I think its Pepper”, he replied, shrugging his good shoulder. “You ready to head out?” My heart pounded nervously as I watch Daryl carefully get up into the saddle, using only his good arm. I was surprised how easily he did it, I quickly followed suit.

 

You could see the glow of the community building as we rode down the trail that lead to start of the park.

“For someone who doesn’t ride often, you seem pretty comfortable doing it”, I commented, breaking the silence.

“It beats walking, and I didn’t say I didn’t like riding. Just that I preferred my Harley” he replied smugly.

“Self-taught?”, I asked, curious.

“Yeah, kinda. Merle and I used to cow tip our neighbor’s cows for fun. Well the old farmer found out and we got arrested, our punishment was community service helping the old man around his farm. Merle never showed up to complete his hours, so he got sent to Juvie. I went and helped muck out stalls, feed the animals and other bullshit jobs after about a month he let me help exercise some of the horses by taking them and riding them around the pasture, I didn’t tell him I had never rode a horse in my life, so I learned by trial and error.” His story captivated me, making me want to learn more about him “What about you?” he asked as we reached the start of the trail.

“I took riding lessons as a kid, competed in a few jumping competitions, and rode with my parents a lot” I replied my heart sank I knew compared to his upbringing mine had to sound uptight and privileged.

 

We rode in comfortable silence for a while enjoying the calmness as we slowly made our way through the trail, my mind drifted to the past when my parents were still alive, the long rides through the mountain trails, laughing, joking and having fun then to the terrifying dreams that I had been having of the walkers and death.

“The stars are bright tonight”, his gruff voice broke the silence. I looked up, the sky was clear, and the stars shone brilliantly against the dark sky.

“Yeah, they’re beautiful”, I replied honestly. Still lost in my thoughts, shivering.

“You okay?” he asked concerned.

“Yeah, just thinking”, I answered half-heartedly, looking away.

“Tell me”, he ordered softly.

“It’s nothing”, I insisted.

“Bullshit. Come on, tell me”, calling me out. I sighed deeply.

“I was thinking about life before all this and death”, I started out painfully looking down. Daryl waited patiently for me to continue. “I keep having dreams of walkers and everyone I’ve come to care about dying and I will be left alone…again.” I choked out, feeling ashamed to be confessing this to him. The last thing wanted was for him to think I was weak. Daryl pulled his horse to a stop suddenly and reached over grabbing my hand. My head jerked up, shocked, pulling Melody to an abrupt stop.

“Look at me”, his gruff voice ordered sternly. I obeyed. My eyes instantly locked into his. “You will never be alone ever again. I won’t let that happen. I promise you”, he told me sincerely. “Do you trust me?” he asked in the same serious tone.

“Yes” I replied, my voice shaking. His bright blue eyes continuing to draw me in capturing my heart I couldn’t help but trust him.

“Good. Now let’s get out of here. I talked to Carol when I got back. She’s saving us both a plate from the potluck. If I remember right we still have a movie to finish”, Daryl told me. Grinning. Clearing away all the darkness of the previous conversation. I couldn’t help grin with him ignoring that my heart was slowly losing the battle of not hoping for something that wasn’t there.


	11. Best I can

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shout out to my amazing Beta Reader

Stars can’t shine without Darkness

Chapter 11

All Fall Down

 

Best I can by Art of Dying

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39NxFuvc3fg&index=1&list=RD39NxFuvc3fg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39NxFuvc3fg&index=1&list=RD39NxFuvc3fg)

River of Grace – Christy Nockels

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_r_0d8RW9g>

 

Daryl POV

 

The night was cool, you could sense autumn was on its way and would be here soon, my mind replayed the evening. Sitting beside Amber on the couch watching the second half of Avatar while we ate the plates that Carol had snuck to us when we slipped in the back way into the Community Center kitchen, so no one would ask questions or assume anything. I trusted Carol to not or make a big deal out of me and Amber spending time with each other. Rick had already tried to have a talk with me about Amber which I put a quick and abrupt end to, making it clear that we were just friends and nothing more. As much as I appreciated Rick’s friendship, I hated it when people tried to get into my business and make assumptions.

“Thank you for tonight”, Amber whispered, interrupting my thoughts. “I enjoyed it. I wasn’t looking forward to spending the evening at the dinner. I hate crowds”, she added softly. I shrugged my shoulder carelessly.

“You’re welcome. I enjoyed tonight, too”, I answered honestly. It had been a good night, truthfully, I enjoyed riding the trial with Amber. I liked how we didn’t have to talk constantly and could enjoy the quiet of the night and each other’s company. “You want to go riding again tomorrow?” I asked her softly.

“Sure. I have church in the morning, but after that I’m free”, she replied, then glanced at me nervously. “Would you like to come to church tomorrow?” Her words came out quickly like she wanted to get the question over with. I couldn’t help but look at her funny. I didn’t care what people believed in, but personally I didn’t believe in anything, especially God. What kind of God would allow the world to come to what it was and is now, and would allow children to go through the hell that Merle and I had gone through? As a child I had prayed, begging God to come and save us. But no one ever came, and the beatings never stopped.

“I don’t know. I’m not exactly Church material”, I replied quickly. Hoping she wouldn’t try to continue the conversation.

“I understand.” Her reply was sad but understanding. I felt bad for letting her hopes down, but there was no way I could talk myself into going to church, it just wasn’t happening.

We continued down the sidewalk in silence, the silhouette of the church not far from us.

“I can make it from here.” She turned towards me, her deep emerald green eyes met mine causing my heart to pound. “I’ll come over to Rick’s after church”, she said, abruptly looking away.

“I’ll see you then.”  She wrapped her small arms around my waist then quickly let go and hurried down the sidewalk. Her sudden unexpected hug had completely caught me off guard, leaving me frozen until I watched her close the mahogany church door behind her.

 

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

I was up an hour before sunrise the next morning, slipping out of the house before anyone was stirring. I continued to the back gate and patiently waited until the morning guard change, so I could silently slide the gate open and escape into the woods.

I knew Rick would be pissed when he found out I was out here by myself, but I couldn’t help that I couldn’t stand being cooped up in the compound. Sure, the expansions helped but it wasn’t the same as being out in the woods away from everyone, alone with nothing but the sounds of the woods. And it had become a habit to get up to watch the sunrise no matter where I was.

I trekked down a barely noticeable trail to a large oak tree with a tree stand close to the top. It took me a few minutes to get up into the stand and get comfortable. My shoulder was still tender and sore but a lot more manageable then it had been I was still taking the anti-inflammatory meds that Dr. Tanner prescribed. With Merle’s help I had been able to get more from the Sanctuary infirmary when I had been staying there and teaching the young hunters there how to track game.

“You know, you shouldn’t be out here alone.” A soft, feminine voice called from below. I looked down, surprised to see Maggie staring up at me. “There enough room for two?” she asked, smirking. I nodded and gave her a gruff “yes.” It didn’t take her long to climb up the ladder. I scooted over to give her room to sit down beside me.

“How’d you know I was out here?”  I asked her, staring at the sky that had started to turn blood orange.

“Since Hershel was born I’ve been getting up early to take a walk before he gets up. I saw you leave Rick’s. It wasn’t hard to figure out what you were up to”, she answered, leaning against the back of the stand.

“How is he?” I asked, curiously. I enjoyed seeing Maggie and Glenn’s little boy, who was looking like his father more every day. Very few people knew that I had a soft spot for kids, especially Little Ass Kicker, who wasn’t so little anymore, and Hershel Glenn. Maggie had shocked everyone when she made both Rick and me his Godfathers. That day I swore to Maggie that I would always look after and protect him at any cost. I still felt the guilt of Glenn’s death on my shoulders even though Maggie had promised me she didn’t, and never did, blame me for his death and that I had no reason to feel guilty.

“He’s doing amazing. Eats like a horse and loves following me and Enid around trying to copy everything we do”, she replied grinning. “He asked for Dare-Dare a few days ago”, she added. I chuffed, smiling. Jesus was the one who had come up with ‘Dare-Dare’ and wouldn’t let it go no matter how much I glared or threatened him. And lo and behold ‘Dare-Dare’ was one of Hershel’s first words and I didn’t have the heart to correct him. I had been able to get even with Jesus by wrapping duct tape around every hair brush he owned and adding honey to his shampoo before I left to go back to the Sanctuary. As if Maggie could read my mind she laughed.

“Even though he helped you saddle the horses and surprise Amber last night he still hasn’t forgiven you for the duct tape hairbrushes and honey shampoo. I would watch your back.” I couldn’t help but laugh with her, I knew that it was eventually coming. It was the one trait Jesus and I both had in common, wait until you could catch them off guard. Maggie and I continued to watch the sun continue to rise turning the sky orange and purple. You could hear the low moans of a couple walkers nearby. “Beth really would have loved this place”, Maggie whispered, staring at the distant rooftops of the Alexandrian houses.

“Yeah”, I agreed. Sadly, the familiar pain of thinking of Beth hit my heart hard. I would never forgive myself for failing her. If only I had kept her in my sites and not let her go, she wouldn’t have been kidnapped and would still be alive. I had failed her, failed the one person I was starting to open my heart to. I swore to myself that I would never make that mistake again.

“I was talking to Amber, and she said that Beth is looking down at us from heaven and is probably very happy to see where we are now”, Maggie continued, hope in her voice. I stopped myself from making a rude remark about believing in Heaven and that the dead could see us, I rolled my eyes instead. “You know she would want you happy”, she added, touching my shoulder gently.

“I don’t want to talk about this”, I snapped, starting to get up. “We better head back before they send a search party after us.” Maggie shook her head as she got up and started down the ladder. I carefully started to climb down myself.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to snap”, I apologized as we walked got back to the gates of Alexandria and waited patiently for them to open. Maggie nodded.

“It’s okay. I know it’s hard to talk about her”, she replied. “I’m going to get ready. I promised Amber that I would come to church”, she added. I choked back another rude remark. I didn’t understand these people and church and how easily Amber talked them into going.

“Have fun” was all I could say as I turned and walked away from Maggie and towards the fields craving the solitude. I had to get away from the ridiculous talk of God and dead loved ones looking down from heaven and watching us.

I found myself in the stables. The soft noises of the horses starting to wake up filled the barn. I walked over to Melody’s stall, she stared at me as if asking why I was there disturbing her.

“I’m not going”, I said out loud. Melody snorted and shook her head as if to disagree with my announcement “What you do you know? You’re a horse!” I retorted. _Great I’m talking to the damn horse now,_ I thought, turning and stomping out of the barn muttering soft curses to myself.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

I stood in front of the white church, the muffled sound of a piano and people singing hymns coming from inside. _Quit being such a baby. It’s just a building. Nothing special about it._ I thought, chastising myself. _Baby Bro, I can’t believe your chasing after this little hard on so hard. You should find some other bitch that’s easier to take to bed._ Merle’s voice entered my head. _Going to church! Damn boy, you have lost your mind! There ain’t no God and you know it!_ I tried to shake his words out of my head I knew the last part was true, but I couldn’t help but want to see her.

The dark mahogany door opened silently as I crept inside and slid into the back pew unnoticed. The church’s layout was simple. One aisle down the center, a large mahogany pulpit in front of the room, and a choir behind it. Amber sat behind a baby grand that sat off to the side. She wore a long dark blue jean skirt and a white V neck T-shirt. Her smile lit up the room as she sang.

_Some bright morning when this life is over_  
I'll fly away  
To that home on God's celestial shore  
I'll fly away

_I'll fly away, oh glory_  
I'll fly away in the morning  
When I die, Hallelujah by and by  
I'll fly away

I jumped startled as Rick and Michonne, carrying Judith in her arms sat down beside me.

“Thought you weren’t coming”, Michonne whispered slyly. I gave her a dark glare about to give her a sarcastic remark, but the room fell silent as the choir finished singing and went back to their seats in the congregation. Father Gabriel stood up and faced the congregation.

“Before I begin this mornings sermon, Amber is going to sing a song for us”, he announced, smiling. Amber shyly waved to everyone. Our eyes met for a second, but it felt like eternity. A light sparked in her eyes and her smile grew before she looked away and started to play.

_There is a place, far from this worried world_  
Where freedom awaits, that burden you've got  
Locked inside, oh how we tend to hide  
  
So won't you go there with me  
Down to the riverside, Where the water runs free  
And you can let your heart  
Swing open wide, won't you swing it open wide  
  
'Cause baby, you are mine to carry such a load  
Lay it down and we can watch it go  
Down the river of grace, the river of grace  
And all it takes, is a little bit of faith  
And Jesus comes, and carries it away  
Down the river of grace, the river of grace

Her voice captivated the whole room. Her eyes were closed as she played and sang. A look of peace and hope on her face, leaving no trace of the stress and anxiety that she had last night. I had never seen a look like that before. For the first time I noticed how beautiful her smile was and how soothing her voice was to me even though she was giving her heart to a God that was completely foreign to me.

_Here's the beautiful thing, that river runs inside you_  
And you can go anytime, and it's there your savior  
Waits for you, He's waiting there for you  
  
Cast your every care, cast them way out there  
In the river deep, in the endless supply  
And feel your heart rise up, from that cleansing flow  
So clean and free, so true and alive  
So true and alive, so true and alive  
  
'Cause baby, you are mine to carry such a load  
Lay it down and we can watch it go  
Down the river of grace, the river of grace  
And all it takes, is a little bit of faith  
And Jesus comes, and carries it away  
Down the river of grace, the river of grace

 

My hands sat frozen in my lap as everyone clapped loudly when she finished.

“Thank you Amber. That was beautiful”, Father Gabriel praised, giving her a hug before going to stand behind the pulpit. Rick and Michonne made room for Amber to sit down as she walked towards us. I didn’t realize Michonne had handed Judith to Rick so she could stand up to let Amber in so she could sit beside me until her hand brushed mine as she reached to get a purple colored book in the wooden hymnal holder in front of us.

“I’m happy you’re here”, she whispered to me as she opened the book to some chapter that Father Gabriel had mentioned. She slid it over onto her right knee so that I could see it. Glancing at it, I realized the book she was holding was a bible. I wanted to roll my eyes and scoff, but I knew it would upset her.

As Father Gabriel preached, I couldn’t help but watch Amber as she intently listened to every word he spoke and underlined every verse in her Bible. The more I looked at it, the more I could tell that the Bible was well loved, with different verses highlighted in different colors and notes in the margins.

When service was over, Amber pulled me aside. I rolled my eyes at the looks everyone was giving us. I almost shot them the bird before I remembered where I was.

“I’m going to go change into some riding clothes. Would you like to come with me or wait at the barn?” she asked timidly.

“Whatever’s good for you.”

“Follow me”, she said, turning and walked towards the front of the church. As I followed her, my heart pounded nervously. I had no idea what the hell I was doing. We walked down a short hall with light blue walls. She stopped in front of a brown door with bright pink music notes painted on it. “This is my room”, she answered my questioning gaze, opening the door and going inside.

The room was painted a light purple. A silver keyboard on a black stand sat against a window so she could look outside while she played. “I’m gonna go change in the bathroom.” Amber’s voice broke my thoughts I looked up into her eyes. I hadn’t realized she had gotten clothes out of an old wooden dresser against the wall beside the bathroom door. Before she turned and walked into the bathroom, she gave me another one or her shy smiles that were starting to grow on me because of how adorable they were. The door softly clicked behind her. I sat down on her small quilt covered bed that sat against the wall. Across from me was a desk, a corkboard hung above it. Small pieces of paper with different bible verses covered the majority of it. Most of them talked about faith and comfort and how some Jesus was there to comfort and guide you. I wanted to laugh at Paul’s nick-name all over the board, but I realized how special those verses must be to her to have written them out and have them where she would read them easily and find comfort in them.

“They help with the nightmares.” I jumped at her voice beside me. Amber stood in the bathroom doorway wearing a pair of blue jean short shorts and a grey spaghetti strap tank top that stopped at the top of her pierced belly button. The two black stars on her hips shown brightly against her creamy white skin. Her hair was pulled up in a tight bun. “Father Gabriel wrote me a list of bible verses to help”, she continued.

“Do they help?” I asked, quickly standing up trying to hide my wide-eyed gaze, she shrugged.

“Yes. Sometimes I have to go play in the sanctuary or go for a walk around the neighborhood. Since I can’t go night riding anymore”, she said the last part teasingly, but I could tell in her eyes she was being honest with me about the Bible verses not helping sometimes.

“Well, I don’t sleep a lot at night, so you can always come over and we can go riding”, I replied seriously. She smiled and gave me a hug, before I could react she let go and looked up at me grinning.

“Let’s go, before we give the others more to talk about”, she laughed. I rolled my eyes, grunting irritably.

“Let them talk. They don’t know shit.” Amber laughed as she opened the door.

“Yeah, okay, you can brood about it while we walk to the stables.”

“I don’t brood”, I muttered following her out the door.

 


	12. A place to fall

Stars can’t shine without Darkness

Chapter 12

A place to fall

 

A place to fall By Emphatic

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7n1-fhQ4lX8>

 

 

_My lungs were on fire, as I ran thought the thick forest. Bitter cold rain hitting my skin, my heart pounded painfully in my chest, hot tears streamed down my face hearing the moans of the undead on my tail. The screams of people being ripped apart echoed all around me. The forest floor turned from wet dead leaves to deep puddles of dark red blood. I shrieked as the feel of a rotting hand grab my ankle causing me to land face first into a puddle of warm blood. I choked, spitting out the foul taste in my mouth. I tried frantically to fight against the walker grasping my leg trying to bite me. I managed to kick part of its jaw off, but it didn’t let up its assault on me as I tried to crawl away. But it was useless, my feet and hands kept slipping on the wet ground making it impossible to get to my feet._

_“Help!” I screamed desperately praying someone would hear me._

_“Amber!” Michonne screamed. I turned my head, Michonne and Rick were surrounded by walkers closing in on them._

_“No!” I screamed. An excruciating pain ripped through my leg as the walker sank its teeth into my calf. “No, no, no!” I cried, closing my eyes. All I could hear was the sound of ripping flesh, the agonizing screams of my adopted family and deep agonizing pain._

Sweat soaked my hair and skin, the sheets on my bed were also soaked. I scrambled off the bed to the small trash can that sat beside my desk and violently threw up everything I had eaten for dinner. My stomach spasmed painfully. Tears streamed down my face as I struggled not to hyperventilate.

_It’s just a dream. It’s just a dream. Remember the verses._ My mind screamed at me.

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed Deuteronomy 31:8

 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4”

  I wheezed hoping the words would calm my pounding heart, but it kept on painfully hammering against my ribcage. I leaned back over the trash can as dry heaves shook my body. When they finally subsided, I carefully stood up grasping the side of the desk to steady myself. I felt lightheaded and my legs felt like Jell-O.

 

I quickly walked down the sidewalk in the cool night air. I wrapped my arms around me as I shivered. I wasn’t sure if I was shivering from the aftereffects of the dream and getting so sick, or the cold air. I realized I was only in a thin pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt. I had no idea where I was going, I just wanted to get away. _From what?_ I thought, sitting down on a bench at the entrance of the park. Tears started to stream down my face. I flinched at the sound of an owl hooting from a nearby tree. My eyes caught the small glimmer of a porch light down the street. Before I realized it, I was standing at the door of Rick’s house. Rick never locked the door and always told me if I needed them to not bother knocking and to just come inside. My hands shook as I slowly reached for the door knob and silently slipped inside. I let my feet carry me to the door that lead down to Daryl’s basement apartment. I longed to run down the steps into Daryl’s arms, but I knew that’s not what he meant when he told me a few weeks ago that I could come to him if I needed to go out riding to soothe away the nightmares. If I was being honest with myself, I wouldn’t be able to ride if I wanted to. My hands still shook violently. My side and my stomach still rolled uncomfortably.

“Amber?” I flinched violently at Daryl’s gruff voice behind me. Before I could turn to him, my legs suddenly gave out as my whole body started to shake. Daryl’s strong arms caught me before I hit the floor and guided me down gently, letting me sob into his shoulder.

“Shhh… It’s okay”, he soothed, wrapping his arms around me. He gently picked me up, I barely noticed a light flip on. I kept my face hidden in his shoulder, shame filled my soul when I heard Rick’s worried voice.

“What happened? Is she okay?” he asked. The only thing that stopped me from shaking even more was Daryl’s strong arms around me.

“She’ll be okay. We’ll talk in the morning”, Daryl replied shortly. I knew the tone he used it was for when he didn’t want to be questioned. I felt him turn and start carefully walking down the stairs.

“I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad”, I choked out tearfully when he sat me down on the couch.

“Don’t be. Nightmares?” he asked, softly wrapping the fleece blanket from what looked like was from a basket of clean laundry beside the recliner and sat down beside me. 

“We can’t go riding. It wouldn’t be safe”, he told me, seriously.

“I know, I just…” I stuttered, looking up into his eyes. I was surprised to see that his eyes showed no irritation, only understanding.

“Stay here. I’ll be back”, he ordered, softly. He stood up and headed to the stairs. I leaned against the soft back of the couch, trying to ignore the agonizing visions of my dreams flooding into my head. I closed my eyes and held my shaking hands to my temples as if I could squeeze them away.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me”, I whispered repeatedly as I rocked back and forth. Strong hands gently pulling my hands away from my head brought me back to reality. When I opened my eyes, I was staring directly into Daryl’s.

“Here, take this”, he ordered, handing me two small pills and a glass of water.

“What are they?” I asked before putting them in my mouth and swallowing them.

“It doesn’t matter. Lay down”, he replied. I wanted to listen to him, my whole body felt weak, but I was terrified that the dreams would come back.

“Its okay, I’m right here”, he told me in a soothing voice. I couldn’t help but obey. My head laid on a pillow I hadn’t realized he had placed at the end of the couch. “I’m not going anywhere”, was the last words I heard before sleep took me.

 

_I was running through the now familiar forest trail slick with blood._

_“Help!” I screamed as the moans of the walkers grew closer to me. Suddenly, I slipped in a pool of blood, slamming my head against the ground. “No!” I shrieked as strong arms yanked me over. “I don’t want to die!” I cried in terror seeing the rotted walker on top of me. His blue eyes caused me to pause. I had never seen a walker with colored eyes._

_“Amber”, it spoke._

I watched as the walker slowly turned into Daryl. His bright blue eyes full of concern. I realized I had fallen off the couch and onto the floor and my stomach churned.

“Sick”, I gasped, turning over. Dry heaves shook my body. Tears of shame dripped from my face, seeing what little that had come up all over my body and Daryl’s floor. His rough hand rubbed my back, soothingly.

“Don’t worry about it”, he said, reassuringly. He patiently waited as the heaves subsided. I hadn’t felt this weak since Merle had taken me to the Hilltop. I felt Daryl gently pick me up and walk across the room.

“What?...”

“Let’s get you cleaned up”, he cut me off. I realized that we were his bathroom. My eyes widened at the sight of a large corner bathtub. Daryl gently sat me down on the toilet and turned the faucet on so that the tub could fill with hot water. He pulled a couple towels and a wash cloth out from under the sink and sat them on the counter he then turned towards me, “Call me if you need anything”, his voice soft. I nodded, blushing as I watched him shut the bathroom door behind him.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

The weeks came and went in a blur. I found myself in a comforting routine. I did my assigned chores which consisted of cleaning the church with Father Gabriel and organizing the crops that were being harvested from the fields. At dusk I met Daryl at the stables and we would go riding down the trails talking softly about different things until I was too tired to continue. Then Daryl would walk me back to the church. I would give him a hug goodnight and I would try to get some sleep. Sometimes I would make it through the night without having any nightmares, others I found myself on Daryl’s couch sobbing, trying to stop throwing up from fear and anxiety.  He never asked questions, just reassured me that everyone was safe and so was I. On the worst nights Daryl would lay me on his bed and read Bible verses that comforted me. His soft, gruff voice helped soothe everything away and I would fall into a light sleep that allowed me to get some rest.

Rick never asked any questions when I left after breakfast the morning I fell asleep either on Daryl’s couch or bed. Father Gabriel never asked where I was either, even though I knew he had to have noticed I wasn’t in my room some mornings. I guessed Daryl had talked to them I was happy he had. I didn’t think I could handle trying to explain it to anyone. I only knew that I was exhausted and going to Daryl was the only thing that was helping, and I refused to question it.

Thanksgiving was a couple weeks away and everyone in Alexandria was excited and getting ready for a massive Thanksgiving Dinner at the Kingdom. Everyone from Alexandria, Hilltop and the Sanctuary were going to be there.

“What’re you thinking about?” Daryl asked me as he mounted Pepper, so we could head out towards the trail.

“Nothing much. Everyone is really excited about the Thanksgiving dinner in a few weeks. Michonne has been working on sewing a cute outfit for Judith, you?” I answered, glancing over at him. He shrugged his shoulder.

“I’ve been thinking about the dinner too. I told Rick I would go out hunting for a couple days and bring back some extra game to take to the Kingdom”, he told me, looking away. My heart grew cold. I couldn’t help but feel afraid. I didn’t want him to go. Something bad could happen to him just like in my dreams. As if he could hear my thoughts, he reached over and grabbed my hand. I looked into his eyes. “Hey, nothing bad is going to happen I promise”, his voice was serious. “Do you trust me?” he asked. I nodded looking away.

“You should invite Merle to the dinner”, I spit out, changing the subject.

“You want Merle to come?” Daryl scoffed, smirking.

“Yeah, why not?  Thanksgiving is about being thankful and spending time with loved ones”, I replied.

“And your thankful for Merle?” Daryl snickered.

“You and him”, I replied. Daryl looked at me, clearly confused. “If it wasn’t for you and him I might not still be alive, and if I was, I wouldn’t be happy”, I told honestly. “And he is your brother, you’re supposed to spend holidays with each other”, I added teasing him.

“I’ll invite him for you. The look on his face when he hears that you want him there will be priceless”, he replied, smirking.

“Ha-ha, yeah, I miss my stalker so much”, I snarked.

“Well, it’s going to be an interesting dinner with him there.” We both started laughing at his remark.

“Better tell Rick that he better make sure we have plenty of liquor”, I giggled. Daryl snorted as we laughed even harder.

We continued riding through the trail in comfortable silence.

“When are you leaving?” I asked Daryl solemnly when we got back to the stable and started untacking the horses.

“In the morning”, he replied. I sighed, sadly. My heart heavy as we continued brushing down the horses and making sure they had enough food and water. “Would you like to come back to my apartment? You can have the bed I’ll take the couch. I know a place where we can watch the sunrise in a few hours before I leave”, Daryl asked as we left the stable. I looked up at him surprised.

“I would like that”, I replied. He gave me a soft smile and took my hand as we walked towards Rick’s house.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

The sky was slowly turning pink as I climbed into a small tree stand behind Daryl.

“Everything is going to be okay”, he told me, breaking the silence. I couldn’t look at him. Instead I stared upwards as hints of purple started to stain the pink sky.

“I will pray for you every night you’re gone”, I whispered. He gently took my hand and squeezed it. I smiled softly understanding his unspoken words.

 


	13. Be Good

Stars can’t shine without Darkness

Chapter 13

 

Be Good

 

Be Good by Emily Kinney

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FARq6bJ7mE>

<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umLbrOGAAeE>

 

The morning air was cold, and my breath was coming out in cloudy puffs. Melody whinnied softly.

“I know girl, I’m worried, too”, I whispered, sadly, as I brushed Melody’s thick brown mane. A few weeks passed, and Daryl still wasn’t back from hunting. Rick had sent a team out looking for him a couple days ago, but they found no traces of him. I wanted to get mad at them, but I knew that it wasn’t their fault. Daryl wasn’t an easy person to find, especially if he didn’t want to be. My heart felt heavy. I missed him, especially at night when I woke up sick from a nightmare. The first night I prayed at the alter until the sun came up. After that, I found myself slipping into Rick’s house and into Daryl’s apartment. I either curled up on the couch or his bed with the fleece blanket he’d wrapped around me the first night I went to him. It smelled just like him. Leather, cigarette smoke, and the forest from his long days beyond the wall hunting and bringing back game. His scent soothed and helped me get through the aftereffects of the nightmares. I longed to hear his voice telling me everything was okay.

“Amber?” I jumped hearing Michonne’s voice behind me. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you”, she apologized.

“It’s okay. I was just lost in thought”, I replied honestly.

“Thinking about Daryl?” she asked solemnly. I nodded.

“Yeah. Have you heard anything?” I asked, hopefully.

“No. Rick’s going to send another team out before we leave to go to the Kingdom.” I sighed discontentedly at her answer.

“I don’t think we should go.” I couldn’t help but retort. I didn’t care about some stupid dinner.

“Amber, Daryl is going to be okay. His home is the woods he can survive out there better than any of us.” Michonne tried to comfort me as I turned and put the brush back in my bag. I wanted to snap at her that I didn’t care if his home was the woods, but I knew that wouldn’t bring him home any faster. Instead, I finished cleaning up all the tack, so I could give Melody some food and water.

“When are we leaving?” I asked, irritably.

“Rick wants to leave in at noon, so we have plenty of time to get there”, Michonne replied. “Abraham and Sasha are staying behind in case Daryl gets back, that way they can give him a ride to the Kingdom”, she added quickly, seeing the look on my face as I poured some water into the trough.

“I’m going to stay, too”, I told her. Michonne looked away uncomfortably.

“Rick said you had to come because King Ezekiel wants you to sing some songs”, She told me, guiltily. I spun around.

“What the hell! I don’t remember volunteering to be entertainment!” I shouted angrily. Michonne glared at me.

“I get your upset about Daryl, but that doesn’t mean you can be mean to others. Rick thought it would make you happy, since you enjoy singing at the Tavern so much”, she spat. I looked away ashamed. I knew acting like a bitch to Michonne wasn’t right.

“I’m sorry. I’m just worried.” Michonne gave me a soft smile laying her hand on my shoulder, giving me an understanding look.

“It’s okay. I understand. You care about him. Come on, let’s go finish packing.” I unhappily followed her out of the barn.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“Please Lord, bring him home, keep him safe”, I whispered fiercely, holding my rosery tightly. “Please let him be okay. Please”, I added, desperately begging God to keep Daryl safe. If something happened to him, I didn’t know what I would do. Yes, everyone here had become my family and I loved them dearly, but there was something different about Daryl. I heard the church door open and close behind me.

“Amber?”  Rick spoke softly. I slowly got up and turned around. Rick rubbed the back of his neck nervously, “I hope I didn’t interrupt you.”

“You didn’t. Are we ready to leave?” I asked him as I put my rosery around my neck.

“Yes, but I wanted to talk to you for a minute before we left”, he answered, looking down at his feet for a second before looking back up.

“About what?” I asked.

“I wanted to apologize for not asking your before volunteering you to sing tonight”, he told me sadly. “I know you’ve been worried about Daryl. I thought singing tonight would make you feel better.” My anger towards him instantly melted away. I knew he didn’t mean to upset me and was only trying to help.

“I forgive you, and truthfully I think singing tonight will be a good distraction”, I replied, giving him a soft smile. “Have you heard anything from the team you sent out this morning?” I couldn’t help but ask, hoping he would have good news. He shook his head sadly.

“No. Abraham tried to track him, but he’s not as experienced as Daryl. Hell, the only person I know that comes close to Daryl is Merle”, he told me. My eyes lit up with an idea.

“Oh my God! You’re brilliant!” I exclaimed, giving him a hug. He looked at me, dumbstruck. “I’ll meet you at the gate!” I told him as I bolted towards the door.

_Merle! That was it! I wish I had thought of it sooner if anyone could find Daryl his brother could._

I didn’t stop running until I made it to the pigeon coop. I grabbed the note book that sat on a desk next to the door of the coop and quickly scribbled out a quick message.

_Merle,_

_Daryl went out hunting 2 weeks ago. He was only supposed to be gone for 2 days and hasn’t made it back. We are all very worried about him._

_Amber_

Carefully I ripped the paper out of the book and curled it up so it would fit into the small metal tube. I quickly went to Drax’s cage and gently picked him up so I could fasten the tube to his leg.

“The Sanctuary”, I told him in a clear, strong voice before letting him go into the air, sending all my hope with him.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Daryl POV

 

I carefully limped through the forest. A cold mist in the air caused me to shiver even more in my wet clothes. For the first time in my life I was lost. My short hunting trip had turned into a nightmare. A few days after I left Alexandria, I killed a large buck. I gutted it and was ready to head back to Alexandria when a rainstorm hit. I took shelter in a small cave trying to wait it out when a large herd of walkers came through. I had to abandon the deer and run as I was fighting a large walker. I tripped and ended up tumbling down a deep ravine and into the river below, hitting my head on the way down and knocking myself unconscious. When I woke up I wasn’t sure how far I had been carried downstream. All I knew was that I didn’t know where I was and that I probably had a concussion and a sprained ankle. It ached and throbbed with every step I took. I was starting to get worried about my shoulder. I had landed on it when I fell, and It was starting to get red and swollen. I didn’t think it was dislocated, but something was wrong. I wasn’t sure how many days had passed, but I knew Amber had to be worried sick. My heart broke with guilt knowing that one of her nightmares was coming true. I hoped she had found the fleece blanket I always wrapped her in on the bed in case she needed while I was gone. Her emerald green eyes filled my mind. I would give anything right now to be able to see them.

I sighed a deep sigh. I was cold and exhausted. I decided that it was time to look for shelter for the night.

I found a small cabin about an hour later. Pulling my crossbow over my head ignoring the sharp, agonizing pain in my shoulder, I carefully aimed. I didn’t know what I was going to find inside.

I gently pushed the door open with the tip of my crossbow, silently entering. Two walkers, one dressed in bloody ripped overalls, the other in a blood and guts covered dress, rushed towards me. I quickly backed up out of the cabin onto the porch. I attempted to slam the door before they could reach me, but the impact of them slamming against the door broke it off its hinges, knocking me down the porch stairs. My back slammed against the ground knocking the breath out of my chest.

“Shit!” I quickly scrambled to my feet. More moans surrounded me. I turned to see more walkers coming out of the woods. “This just keeps getting better and better”, I muttered, shooting the walker in the overalls in the head with a bolt before spinning grabbing my knife from its holster and stabbing another walker in the head. More walkers poured out of the woods until I was surrounded. My blood turned to ice I was out of bolts and I getting weak from exhaustion.

“GET DOWN!” A voice suddenly yelled beside me. Without question I dove down to the ground. Automatic gun fire filled the air, gore splattering everywhere. When the gun fire stopped, I looked up to see Merle standing up in an old army jeep, a smoking AK-47 in his hand. “Damn, Baby Bro you look like shit!” he told me as I got up and limped towards the jeep.

“Feel like it, too” I retorted. “Are we near the Sanctuary?” I asked, hoping to find out where I was. Merle tossed me a small bag after I got settled in the passenger seat.

“No. We’re about fifteen miles from Hilltop”, he replied as he started the car. I opened the bag and was surprised to find a sandwich, granola bars, and a water bottle.

“Amber sent me a letter. Said you never came back from a hunting trip”, he answered my questioning gaze. “You’re lucky I found your ass before the biters chewed your face off”, Merle added, sarcastically.

“Asshole”, I muttered, tearing open a granola bar with my teeth, eating it in two bites, then starting on the sandwich I was starving “Amber okay?” I asked after swallowing.

“How the fuck should I know? I’ve been busy tracking you down”, he retorted. “Probably pretty fuckin worried. You’ve been missing for almost two damn weeks. Stupid assholes didn’t even think to tell me you were missing. I could’ve found you a week ago”, he added, irritably. His foot mashing on the gas pedal speeding the jeep up. We hit the pavement a second later. I recognized where we were. It was the road leading to the Hilltop.

“I figured we’d be heading to the Sanctuary?” I questioned. Merle scoffed.

“Taking you too see Carson. I meant what I said, you look like shit” I rolled my eyes I was too tired for this shit.

“I don’t need to see Carson. I need to get back to Alexandria”, I complained.

“Shut up. Your girl can wait. She’s not at Alexandria anyway”, Merle spat at me. I glared him venomously.

“Where is she?”

“She’s at the Kingdom, at that Thanksgiving thing with the others”, he replied, glaring at me briefly before returning his gaze back to the road. You could see the outline of the Hilltop’s tall wooden fence. Sighing, I had forgotten about the Thanksgiving dinner.

“Shit. Amber told me to invite you”, I muttered, looking out the window. Merle instantly started laughing hysterically.

“She wanted you to invite me to some holiday dinner?” he gasped in-between breaths, still laughing.

“Shut up” I responded, hatefully. I didn’t feel like dealing with his irritating remarks. We continued towards the Hilltop in silence. “Can you give me a ride to the Kingdom later?” I asked as we waited for the Hilltop guards to open the gate. Merle smirked, chuckling softly.

“Yeah, I guess”, he answered after a minute. “I have been invited so I might as well”, he added mockingly, causing me to roll my eyes in annoyance.

Merle parked in front of the medical trailer, so I wouldn’t have to go far on my injured ankle.

“I’m going to go get some more bullets and see if they have some bolts for your crossbow. I’ll meet you back here”, Merle told me as he got out of the jeep. I nodded tiredly, limping up the ramp of the trailer. Dr. Carson opened the door when I knocked his eyes widened at the site of me, bruised and covered in dirt and walker blood.

“I see your hunting trip didn’t go as planned”, he said, motioning for me to get onto the exam table, a soft groan escaped my lips as I obeyed.

The first thing Carson did was take my boot off, so he could look at my ankle. “Well, your boot helped prevent further swelling and looks like it also acted like a brace, which is a good thing. The best thing to do is to just wrap it and let it heal. Let’s look at your shoulder”, I heard the door open. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Maggie come in with Hershel on her hip. Dr. Carson helped me take my vest and shirt off.

“Daryl, thank god you’re okay!” Maggie’s voice was full of concern.

“I’m fine”, I muttered, looking away. I barely held back a yelp of pain as he started to examine my shoulder.

“Your shoulder doesn’t appear to have dislocated or separated again, which is a good thing, but I’m worried about the swelling. I definitely want you back on anti-inflammatory medication again, and you need to wear an immobilizer sling again”, he informed me as he pulled an ACE bandage out of a drawer beside the exam table.

 “Hell NO! I am not wearing that godforsaken sling again!” I shouted.

“Do you want to have permanent damage?” he countered, irritably as he wrapped my injured ankle in an ACE bandage. “You only need to wear it for a couple weeks. You also need to stay off your ankle as much as you can for at least a week.”

“Daryl just wear the damn thing. If you don’t you know, Amber will be unhappy about it”, Maggie said from the chair she was sitting in behind me. Hershel Glenn who was sitting on her lap, giggled as he played with a plastic set of toy keys.  I rolled my eyes. I knew she was guilt tripping me.

“Aren’t you supposed to be at the Kingdom?” I asked her, spitefully. Maggie shrugged, completely immune to my anger.

“We’re leaving when Dr. Carson is finished with you”, she replied.

“I’m riding with Merle”, I instantly replied, glaring at her.

“I didn’t say any different. We’re following ya’ll. We figured it would be safer for us to travel as a group since its getting dark”, she said. I grunted, still glaring. I knew she was right, it was safer, and Hershel Glenn was coming with them, so I understood that she wanted to be extra careful. I was anxious to get to the Kingdom to see Amber and make sure she was okay. I knew she had to be worried sick.

“Fine. I’ll wear the damn sling”, I snarled. I didn’t want to upset Amber. She would be upset enough to see that I had been hurt while I was gone. Dr. Carson grinned. Maggie’s guilt trip had worked.

“Good. Let me go get one, then you will be free to go.”

“Good”, I muttered, impatiently.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Merle and I rode in silence towards the Kingdom. I was surprised he wasn’t teasing me relentlessly about having to wear the sling and swath again, like he had before.

“What did the Doc say?” he asked, after a while.

“Sprained ankle, and he’s not sure what’s up with my shoulder. Just that it’s swollen really bad”, I answered, sighing. “When did you start caring?” I asked, glancing at him moodily.

“You’re my brother, ain’t I supposed too?” he retorted, keeping his eyes on the road. I didn’t know what to say, so we continued towards the Kingdom in silence.

 

Rick was at the gate when we made it to the Kingdom. His face showed a mixture of relief and concern.

“I’m fine!” I growled, as I got out of the Jeep. Merle marched over to him before he could reply.

“Next time he’s missing for over a damn week you better fucking tell me!” he raged. His face inches from Rick’s. “I have to hear it from Amber! Do you know how close to fucking walker dinner he was!” Merle continued to vent. Rick didn’t flinch. His face remained neutral. Before he could say anything, Merle turned and stomped away. I couldn’t help but feel shocked. I always knew he cared, he just showed it in a messed-up way. I had never seen him show it the way he just did.

“It’s good to see you, Brother. You had us all worried sick”, Rick told me after a minute.

“Like I said, I’m fine. Shit happens”, I replied. I didn’t feel like going over the last couple weeks. All I wanted was to see Amber and get some sleep. “Where’s Amber?” Rick smiled.

“She’s with the others in the auditorium. Ezekiel had it turned into a large banquet hall”, he replied.

 

 _And we'll buy beer to shotgun_  
And we'll lay in the lawn  
And we'll be good

My heart froze hearing the familiar lyrics as we walked into the auditorium, Amber sat behind her grey keyboard eyes closed as her fingers gracefully glided across the keys. My heart pounded painfully in my chest. I was unable to stop looking at her. Her raven black hair was pulled up in her usual tight bun the sides of her head that she usually kept close shaved was slightly grown out. She wore a deep purple, long sleeve Maxi-dress. The neck line plunged in a V shape showing off her beautiful creamy white chest.

 _Now I'm laughing at my boredom_  
At my string of failed attempts  
Because you think that it's important  
And I welcome the sentiment  
And we talk on the phone at night  
Until it's daylight  
And I feel clever  
And I hear the slow in your speech  
Yeah, you're half asleep  
Say goodnight

Memories of Beth and the time we spent together on the run after the prison was destroyed filled my head. When both were drunk on moonshine and I had opened up to her about before the world ended. How I was nothing, just a drifter, following Merle like a lost puppy.

_“I'll be gone someday”_

_“Stop”_

_“I will. You're gonna be the last man standing. You are. You're gonna miss me so bad when I'm gone, Daryl Dixon”_

_” You ain't a happy drunk at all”_

_“Yeah, I'm happy. I'm just not blind”_

And the days at the funeral home

_“What are you doing?”_

_“This is the comfiest bed I've had in years” I told her as I climbed into the mahogany coffin_

_“Why don't you go ahead and play some more? Keep singing”_

_“I thought my singing annoyed you”_

_“There ain't no jukebox, so...”_

_“And we'll buy... A beer……”_

“I requested she sing this”, Maggie’s soft voice beside me made me jump. “I miss her, too”, she added, sadly. I didn’t know what to say. My words were frozen in my throat. Maggie laid her hand on my uninjured shoulder. “You know, it’s okay. She would want you to be happy.” Maggie turned towards me, a tear streamed down her cheek.

“Maggie…”  I started to deny that there was anything going on between Amber and me, but deep down I knew it wasn’t true. There was something about her that I couldn’t explain and that scared me, and I didn’t get scared, which made it worse.

“Daryl, she cares about you too, and don’t try to deny that you don’t”, Maggie told me, seriously.

“Daryl!” Carol called, getting up from the table her and Michonne were sitting at. Michonne got up behind her. They started to bombard me with questions the second they reached me.

“Oh my god I’ve been so worried about you!”

“What happened?”

“Stop. I’m fine”, I told them, firmly. holding up my good hand, stopping the rest of their questions. I was about to ask them if we could go sit down when I heard Amber’s voice beside me. I immediately turned to her.

“Daryl” she whispered, tears streaming down her face. I instantly wrapped my arm around her.

“I’m fine. It’s okay”, I soothed, letting her cry into my shoulder.

“I’ve missed you so much”, she sobbed.

“I’ve missed you, too”, I whispered into her ear. “Let’s go for a walk”, I suggested, noticing that everyone in the room was starting to stare at us. Amber looked up at me, tearfully nodding.

“Daryl, you need to get off your……”, I cut Maggie off with a look. 

“Maggie, why don’t we go get some food? I know you and Hershel have to be hungry”, Michonne spoke up.

“Yeah. Follow us to the kitchen. We can get everyone a plate”, Carol agreed. I gave them both a grateful look. Maggie sighed, knowing she was being overruled.

“Fine. Be back soon. You need to eat, Daryl”, she told me in a motherly tone. I nodded.

“I will make sure he does”, Amber told her as we started towards the door.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

We walked down the street, slowly. We could see Merle in the distance walking towards us smoking a cigarette.

“He found you”, Amber smiled.

“He said you sent him a letter?”, I asked, curiously.

“Yeah. No one else could find you,” she answered, sadly.

“I’m glad you did”, I told her gratefully, grabbing her hand. She stopped causing us to pause.

“Daryl…”, she started staring into my eyes.

“Darlyna!” Merle shouted. As he approached us I groaned. Merle had to always show up at the wrong time. Amber looked away and smiled and ran up to him, giving him a hug.

“Merle! You found him!” she exclaimed. I wanted to bust out laughing at the shocked look on his face. I doubted he knew how to react to someone giving him a hug. I was surprised he wasn’t shoving her away. Instead, he let her let go of him on her own.

“Couldn’t let my own brother die, could I?” he told her, gruffly. “I heard that if Darlyna hadn’t gotten his stupid ass lost, I was invited to this turkey dinner thing? Please tell there is some pussy around here”, he added, sarcastically. Amber and I both rolled our eyes at his uncouth attitude.

“Merle…” I started to complain, but Amber took my hand and squeezed it gently.

“I can’t promise you pussy, but I do know one of the girls, Deanna, she’s helping with the food. She opens her legs pretty easy, and I know she will take you to where Ezekiel keeps the liquor stashed”, she told him, slyly. Merle grinned at me.

“Baby bro, I’m starting to like your little hard on. You should keep her around for a while”, he snickered. 

“Plan on it”, I replied, pulling Amber close to me with my good arm.

“Let’s go get some food”, she smiled up at me. “I did promise Carol I would make you eat”, she added. I scoffed. I was hungry but was enjoying the alone time with Amber. I hadn’t realized how much I missed it and her until I saw her tear filled emerald eyes.

“Okay”, I agreed.

“Damn, son. She’s already got you pussy whipped”, Merle laughed.

“Shut up”, I snapped, causing Merle to laugh even more as we walked together back towards the auditorium.


	14. What are you waiting for

Stars can’t shine without Darkness

Chapter 14

What are you waiting for

 

Song: What are you waiting for by Nickelback

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-Ng5muAAcg&list=PLFvRst79WYWYbIWRNOS1X_W49hW2ym4IZ&t=0s&index=14

 

“Merle is throwing a party?” I asked, laughing as Daryl and I slowly rode down the freshly snow-covered trail.

“Yeah. He’s calling it a Winter Bash or some bullshit like that. It’s just an excuse to get high and stupid drunk at the strip club”, Daryl laughed.

“And he invited us?”  I laughed even harder.

“Yeah. He said he was going to show us how to have a real good time, instead of, and I quote, “A boring ass dinner, with no alcohol and only one whore.” I told him that we would think about it”, Daryl said, still chuckling. “I wasn’t sure how you would feel about going back there”, he added, seriously.

“Let’s go. It’ll be fun to surprise Merle”, I told him, shrugging my shoulders.

“You sure?” Daryl asked me, surprised.

“Yeah, I think it’ll be fun” I said, smiling at him. He gave me a funny looked then smirked, “What?” I asked, curiously.

“You know he’s going to make sure you get shit-faced”, he told me.

“Just make sure I stay away from tequila. I will put the meaning to the song”, I grinned. “One time, my mom had to come pick me up from a bar, and I kid you not, I was in nothing but a pink thong. A bouncer wrapped a table cloth around me to try to hide it.” We both busted out laughing. I was laughing so hard I snorted, causing us both to laugh even harder. “I didn’t even get in trouble because I called her and told her I was trashed, and I couldn’t drive”, I added through my giggles.

“Well, tomorrow night’s going to be interesting”, Daryl snickered.

 

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“Are you sure this is safe?” I asked, nervously staring at Daryl’s black motorcycle.

“I told you, yes, it’s safe. It stopped snowing, and besides, you owe me”, he countered. I sighed, remembering our agreement all those months ago. Dr. Tanner had finally given Daryl the okay for him to ride his motorcycle this morning. I had never seen Daryl so excited. During the long-haul, Daryl and Abraham had found and completely cleared out two Haley Davidson stores. Since Eric and Daryl were the only motorcycle mechanics in Alexandria, everything had been put in Eric and Aaron’s garage. Daryl practically dragged me over to their house for winter weather gear. He had a huge grin on his face when he pulled down two large plastic containers full of nothing but women’s motorcycle gear. I was now dressed in leather gloves, boots, a thick dark blue, fleece lined, leather motorcycle jacket and a black balaclava fleece hood and ski mask. Daryl had also insisted that I wear water proof pants over my jeans to make sure my legs stayed warm. Daryl was dressed similarly, except in all black.

“You are so lucky I like you”, I groaned, taking the grey and pink motorcycle helmet he held out to me and putting it on sliding the visor down to keep the wind out of my face. He smirked and had a light in his eyes as he put his black and silver helmet on and climbed onto the black bike. Rick helped me on behind him and made sure my helmet was on securely. The bike roared beneath us as Daryl kicked started it.

“Be careful!” Rick shouted over the roar of the engine. Daryl gave him a thumbs-up before punching the throttle causing the bike to go forwards. I wrapped my arms tightly around Daryl’s waist as we flew through the gate in a blur.

I was surprised to find myself enjoying the roar of the motorcycle. The excitement running through my veins, and the warmth of Daryl’s back against my chest.

“Having fun?” Daryl shouted back at me.

“Hell yeah!” I shouted back, exhilarated. He must have like my response because he mashed the throttle making the bike go even faster.

 

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Daryl POV

 

Load music thumped around us. I couldn’t help but smirk as Merle handed Amber another shot. I thought that this contest was going to end in a huge loss for Amber, but I was surprised to see her hold her own against him.

“Come one girl, I’m two ahead of you”, Merle sneered.

“Just watch this shit!” She laughed knocking the glass back and swallowing it with ease, then grabbed the freshly poured shot in front of Merle l and knocked it back too. “You were saying?” Amber snickered at Merle’s wide-eyed stare. I choked back laughter at her grin. “I’m bored!” she announced a second later, getting up from the booth. She stumbled slightly, my eyes grew wide as she strutted up onto the platform, motioning for the platinum blonde stripper to go away.

“Go Tracy”, Merle ordered, amused. I wasn’t sure whether to stop Amber or not. I couldn’t help but be mesmerized as she wrapped herself around the silver pole. Her emerald green eyes staring directly into mine, gracefully sliding her tank top off showing off her creamy white torso, “Damn, she hasn’t lost a thing”, Merle laughed.

“Dammit Merle! I thought ya’ll were doing Jager Bombs! Those were tequila shots, weren’t they?” I groaned, rolling my eyes as I stood up, taking my vest off. Merle grinned as he watched me get up onto the platform and gently pull Amber off the pole. She stumbled, leaning into my arms as I wrapped my vest around her.

“Oh, come on I was having fun”, She complained. She gave me a sly grin before she started kissing my neck. “Or is it that you want a private performance?” she unsuccessfully tried to whisper. Merle choked on the shot he had just taken, spewing it everywhere as he started laughing.

“Yeah, you’ve had enough”, I told her, leading her off the platform and making sure she didn’t fall. I glared at Merle who was still laughing before we headed towards the door.

 

“Daryl, I’m hot”, she started to complain. Her words growing more slurred as I unlocked my apartment door.  Merle had given me the apartment for when I stayed at the Sanctuary. I quickly pulled her inside as she clumsily attempted to unbutton her pants.

“I’m gonna kill Merle”, I groaned, watching Amber stumble over to my bed, still attempting to get her pants off.

“Daryl! Help me!” she moaned, falling onto the bed.

“Amber, I don’t think that’s a good idea”, I told her as I quickly went to the bed to try and stop her. She pushed my hands away.

“Why? You don’t like me don’t you?” She started to tear up, but still continued to wiggle her pants off, revealing dark grey boy shorts. Then she attempted to unclasp her bra. I was trying, hard, to avoid staring at her bare breasts. I noticed, for the first time, that she had a dark green and gold Celtic cross tattooed on the side of her ribs.

“Amber, I didn’t say that”, I sighed, turning to get a blanket out of the closet. _What the hell am I going to do?_ I thought to myself. 

“I want you to like me”, she continued, tearfully. I froze, dropping the blanket, suddenly feeling her wrap her arms around my waist.

“Amber, please, you’re drunk. This isn’t the right time to have this conversation”, I told her. I turned around, staring into her eyes, I hated to see them filled with tears.

“But, I’m too scared to have it sober”, she replied, looking away. Tears streamed down her cheeks. I touched her chin and pulled it back to me, so I could look back into her eyes, my heart pounded painfully in my chest. I did like her and cared about her more then she knew and that scared the piss out of me.

“Let’s get you to bed, darlin’. We’ll talk in the morning”, I whispered, grabbing the blanket off the floor and wrapping it around her. I eased her over to the bed.

“Please don’t leave me.” She started to cry. I looked at her, confused, seeing the scared look on her face. “You’re the only thing that makes the dreams go away”, she sobbed, clinging to me. I wrapped my arms around her, hugging her tightly and kissing the top of her head.

“I will never leave you”, I promised her sincerely. She looked up at me. Her glassy eyes had a spark in them.

“Will you lay down with me?” Amber asked, hopefully.

“Yeah”, I replied, giving her a soft smile. “Go get laid down. I’m gonna get you some clothes”, I told her. She gave me a sleepy smile. I knew she would probably pass out soon and I wanted to get her into something. I didn’t want her waking up naked and embarrassed in the morning. I walked over to my dresser and pulled one of my t-shirts out when I turned back around she was laying down on the bed, her eyes drooping. “Come on darlin’, help me out a little”, I whispered. I slipped the t-shirt over her head and I helped her slide her arms into the sleeves and tucked her into bed.

“Mmmmm… I gotta pray”, she mumbled, trying to sit back up. I chuckled. Only Amber would think of praying when she was drunk.

“Hey… Lay back down. I don’t think Jesus will get mad if you pray laying down”, I told her, kneeling beside the bed. She smiled, grabbed my hand and closed her eyes.

“Okay. Lord, please watch over Rick, Michonne, Carol and everyone else at Alexandria and keep them safe”, she started out, a peaceful look on her face. “Please keep an extra eye on Daryl cause he’s special. Oh, and Merle, cause he’s special, too, in his own fucked up way”, she finished. I looked at her and my heart melted. I knew she had a wonderful heart, but I had no idea how pure and special it was. How special she was. I knew she prayed for me and everyone, but to hear her pray for Merle, as much as an uncouth, dick he was to everyone, made me realize how much I was falling for her.

 

 ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Amber POV 

 

“I am never drinking again”, I groaned letting my head rest against the side of the cool porcelain toilet. My head throbbed painfully, and my stomach rolled uncomfortably. I quickly leaned back over the rim, throwing up more of whatever else was left in my stomach. “Dammit! I am such an idiot”, I couldn’t help but whine.

“Here, try and drink some water. Don’t want you getting dehydrated”, Daryl gently offered, helping me sit up. He handed me a glass of water as I leaned against the side of the tub, taking small sips.

“Thank you”, I whispered giving him a quick glance.

 I had made a fool of myself last night. I couldn’t decide if I was more ashamed of stripping in front of everyone or telling Daryl that I wanted him to like me. I couldn’t really remember anything else and to be honest I didn’t want to. I was starting to regret coming to Merle’s stupid Winter Bash.

“Does your stomach feel okay enough for you to come lay in bed?” Daryl’s huskey voice interrupted my thoughts. I nodded as I tried to grasp the side of the tub, so I could get to my feet, my legs had a different idea and gave out from under me. I felt Daryl gently pick me up in a bridal carry, I let my head lay against his chest as he carried me out of the bathroom.

“Thank….”

“Stop saying thank you”, Daryl cut me off chuckling. “You’re lucky I like you.”

“Ha ha”, I smiled at his remark, remembering when I had said the same to him about riding his motorcycle. “I’m going to kill Merle. Tell me I at least won that stupid contest”, I groaned. My vision was swimming as Daryl laid me on the bed.

“You guys had a tie”, he replied, smirking. “You weren’t kidding when you said you could hold your own”, he added, sitting down beside me.

“Thanks for the t-shirt. I’m sorry for getting crazy on you”, I apologized, giving him a small smile. _And for being a dumbass and running my mouth,_ I thought to myself, quickly looking away hoping he couldn’t see the sadness flash across my face.

“It’s okay. Trust me, I used to have to try and shove Merle in a bathtub or at least keep him stuck in a bathroom so I wouldn’t be stuck cleaning up puke and needles all over the place. Try and get some rest. I’m going to see if I can find something to help your head and stomach”, he replied, pulling the blanket up and around me before getting up. Sleep sounded amazing, and I couldn’t help but hope that when I woke up, last night would be nothing but a dream.

 

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Daryl POV

I resisted the urge to kiss her on the forehead before I got up to go try and find her some medicine to help her hangover. I had no idea what or if she remembered anything from last night, she hadn’t shown any sign of remembering anything except the shot contest Merle had challenged her to. I couldn’t decide if this was a good thing or not. If she didn’t remember anything, I would have time to think and process how to have the conversation about how I felt about her, but if she did remember anything she wasn’t showing it.  I would have to talk to her soon because I didn’t want her to emotionally suffer and think that I didn’t like her back, because I did. I just had no clue how to tell her.

I decided to check on Merle and make sure he made it back to his apartment last night and I knew he would have something to help Amber.

I knocked on the door before opening it. Merle was sprawled out on his bed a red headed woman laid beside him, a blanket barely covering their naked bodies laid on top of them. There were fresh track marks on Merle’s arm, so I knew he would be out cold for most of the day. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes seeing them, wishing he would give up drugs. There was more evidence of his drug use littered all over his bathroom. Needles, spoons and empty baggies laid all over the countertop. I sighed as I opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed a bottle of Tylenol. Before I left the apartment, I made sure to roll Merle and the red head onto their sides and stuff some pillows against their backs, so they couldn’t roll back over and lay flat on their back. I never told anyone that one of my greatest fears was losing Merle to a drug overdose or accidently choking on his own vomit. I had saved him once from choking and I never wanted it to happen again.

 

When I got back to my apartment Amber was still curled up in bed. She looked up at me giving me a weak smile.

“I got some Tylenol for your head and some Sprite from the kitchen for your stomach”, I told her as I walked over to her. She slowly sat up and patiently waited for me to hand her the pills and open the twenty-ounce bottle of Sprite for her. We sat in silence for a few minutes.

“So… Last night was crazy”, she said, taking a sip of the Sprite. Breaking the silence, she looked down at her lap. My heart pounded painfully in my chest. _Shit. She does remember._ I thought, panicking.

“Yeah….” I started out, fighting the urge to get up and run out the door. Instead, I took her hand, she jumped, looking up at me surprised. “Shit, I’m not good with words. Hell, Amber I don’t know what to say”, I started out. Amber’s eyes quickly filled with tears. She looked away, ashamed. “Look at me”, I ordered gently. When our eyes met, I couldn’t help but be drawn into them giving me the confidence to continue. “I do like you…a lot”, I whispered. Our eyes stayed locked together, her eyes filled with more tears.

“I like you a lot, too. I was so scared if I told you, you wouldn’t want to be around me anymore”, she told me tearfully. I wrapped her in a tight hug and kissed the top of her head.

“I will always want to be around you. You are the sweetest, kindest person I have ever met”, I told her sincerely, letting her go so I could look back into her eyes that were now filled with hope and happiness.

“You are, too”, she replied, a soft smile on her lips. I couldn’t help but smile back at her promising myself that from this day forward I would do anything to protect her and her heart of gold.


	15. Your arms feel like home

 

Stars can’t shine without Darkness  
Chapter 15

Song: Your arms feel like Home  
<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2UAy0rV8DI>

A thick blanket of snow had fallen over night making it unsafe for Amber and I to take the motorcycle home, so we decided to stay another night and take Merle’s truck back to Alexandria the next morning.  
I didn’t mind that we were spending another night at the Sanctuary. I wanted to spend more time with Amber and not have to worry about people gossiping about us. That was the only thing I didn’t like about Alexandria was how quickly gossip spread. I liked my privacy, especially when it came to my relationship with Amber. Rick always did his best to keep people from talking about us, but it was impossible to stop the gossip between Carol, Michonne and Maggie. As much as I loved them, I needed time to process everything without them talking about it.   
I watched Amber sleep while I worked on doing some basic maintenance on my crossbow. I waxed the cable and was making sure all the bolts were properly tightened when I heard a light knock on our door.  
“Come in”, I called, softly, hoping Amber wouldn’t wake up. She needed to rest. After we had talked for a little bit about last night her nausea had returned and her headache had turned into a migraine. I was worried about dehydration because she still hadn’t been able keep much down. Merle slowly opened the door. I held a finger to my lips letting him know to be quiet. He nodded and silently walked over and sat down across the table from me. “I’m surprised you’re up”, I told him as I continued to work on my crossbow.   
“I heard you weren’t leaving until tomorrow because of the snow”, he replied, looking over at Amber who moaned softly in her sleep.  
“Yeah, the snow’s too thick to take the bike back home and Amber needs rest. She drank way too much last night”, I told him as I looked at her, hoping she wasn’t at the beginning stages of a nightmare. I knew Merle would be the last person she would want to see.   
“Rough hangover?” Merle asked interrupting my thoughts I nodded  
“She hasn’t been able to eat or drink anything without puking. I gave her some more Tylenol for a migraine. I’m hoping to get her to drink something when she wakes up”, I told him, concerned.  
“I’ll get her some meds from the infirmary”, Merle said, softly. I looked at him, surprised that he shared my concern for her.  
“Don’t give me that look”, he growled, as he got up. I scoffed. Merle gave me a glare before he walked out the door.  
I finished cleaning my crossbow and was putting it away in its case when Amber started to wake up. Hearing her groan, I quickly grabbed a trashcan with a clean bag in it and placed it by the bed just in time for Amber to lean over the bed and vomit violently. I knelt down beside the bed and rubbed her back gently, trying to comfort her.  
“Fuck”, she choked before throwing up again.   
“Do you think you can drink some water?” I asked after she was able to stop vomiting.   
“I can try”, she whispered, her voice hoarse. “Feel cold”, she whispered, laying back down closing her eyes her body suddenly going limp, instantly I knew something was wrong.  
“Amber?” I shouted, standing up and gently shaking her shoulders. “Amber!” I shouted again shaking her shoulders harder, but she still didn’t wake up.  
“What’s happened?” A woman with red hair unexpectedly appeared beside me, kneeling by the bedside, she grabbed Amber’s wrists feeling for her pulse.  
“’Who the hell are you?” I asked, protectively. I glared at her and suddenly remembered her as the stripper from the club the first time Merle had talked me into going.  
“Daryl!” Merle shouted behind me. I turned to him about to yell at him, but the sight of him with a basket full of medical supplies caused me to pause. “She was a nurse before the turn. She knows what she’s doing”, he added seeing my shocked expression.  
“Merle, I need that basket”, Candy said, urgently. Merle quickly walked past me and sat the basket down beside her. I watched as she grabbed an IV needle and started to work.  
“Daryl, come with me”, Merle ordered, grabbing my arm. I was about to yell that I wasn’t going anywhere, but I knew that I wouldn’t be any help and would probably just be getting I the way, so I followed Merle out into the hallway.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

Amber POV

When I woke up I felt weak and confused. My head throbbed painfully, and my stomach threatened to reject what little was in it.  
“Daryl?” I whispered, my voice dry and scratchy.  
“I’m right here”, Daryl’s voice replied, softly, I slowly turned my head. Everything spun for a brief second. I felt relieved when my vision settled on Daryl’s worried face.  
“What happened?” I couldn’t help but ask, weakly realizing I was still in Daryl’s apartment, laying in his bed, but I was now hooked up to an IV.  
“Alcohol poisoning. It caused you to become severely dehydrated. Merle knew a stripper that was nurse before the turn and brought her to you”, he answered. I couldn’t help but scoff.  
“Didn’t know he was capable of caring”, I replied, sarcastically. I was hoping to make him smile, I hated seeing him so worried.  
“I’m not that big of an asshole.” I was surprised to hear Merle’s gruff voice. I turned my head and saw him sitting in a chair against the wall by the door.  
“Ignore him and rest”, Daryl ordered before I could reply.   
“Would you read some verses from my notebook?” I couldn’t help but ask. My stomach still rolled uncomfortably, and I hoped Daryl’s soothing voice would help.  
“Yeah, I can. Is it in your bag?” he asked. I nodded, and Daryl gave me a soft smile as he got up to get it. A sudden wave of nausea hit me, Merle must have seen the look on my face, he jumped up and helped me sit up. He quickly shoved a large metal bowl in my hands, just in time for me to heave a small amount of bile into it. Painful dry heaves shook my body for what felt like forever. When the nausea finally subsided, Merle got up and took the bowl into the bathroom. Daryl helped me lay back down and wrapped the blanket around me careful to leave my right arm that had the IV securely tapped to hand out, so it wouldn’t accidently get messed with and sat down in the chair beside the bed, my light purple notebook in his lap. Merle appeared beside him a second later with a syringe full of clear liquid.   
“What is that?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.  
“Nausea meds”, he replied, gruffly as he injected the medicine into the IV access port. I couldn’t help but sigh in relief as the nausea started fade away.  
“Thank you.” Merle shrugged at my words as he threw the empty syringe away. I couldn’t help but smile knowing he wasn’t used to being thanked. Daryl opened my notebook and carefully took my hand. Our eyes met for a minute, I loved staring into his crystal blue eyes, he gave me a sweet smile before starting to read. 

  
_“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest._  
_Matthew 11:28_  
_“For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope.”_  
_Romans 15:4_  
_“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God._  
_2 Corinthians 1:3-4”_

  
As he was reading I glanced across the room and was surprised to see Merle in the chair he was sitting in earlier. He was whispering the verses as Daryl read them our eyes met and I couldn’t help but stare back into them for a moment. They were similar to Daryl’s but had more of a cold grey tint to them, making them more of cold metallic blue. They had a soft look in them that I had never seen before. I quickly looked away and watched Daryl read as my eyes started to grow heavy. Before I knew it, I was asleep.  
I woke up to Daryl’s soft snoring behind me, his arm wrapped around my waist. I couldn’t help but smile. The feeling of being in Daryl’s arms made me feel warm and safe. I jumped suddenly when I felt something tug on the IV in my hand I looked up to see Merle taking down the empty IV bag and start to carefully replace it with a full one.  
“Candy wants to get one more bag of fluids in you before we take your IV out”, he said, softly, noticing me staring at him.  
“Thank you”, I whispered. He nodded.   
“He’s worried about you. You make him happy”, Merle said after he finished hanging the bag. His soft tone surprised me. “Not many people do that”, he added, turning towards the bed. When our eyes met, his gun metal blue eyes had the same soft protective look from before, when Daryl was reading to me.  
“He makes me happy too”, I told him, sincerely.   
“Good”, he replied. “Don’t break his heart. It’s been broken enough”, he added, his face full of sadness as he looked at Daryl. I couldn’t help but give him a questioning look he sighed heavily. “Let’s just say we didn’t have a pleasant childhood. Give him time, he’ll open up to you”, Merle said after a minute, before turning and walking out the door leaving me with a million questions.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“I don’t need a babysitter”, I muttered, grumpily glaring at Merle as I packed up the rest of my few belongings that I had brought with me.  
“I told Daryl I’d keep an eye on you while he went to get the truck ready”, he retorted, rolling his eyes. I sighed, irritably. We had been at the Sanctuary for almost a week while I recovered from alcohol poisoning and I was ready to get back home to Alexandria. I missed Melody. I knew Michonne was taking good care of her, but I couldn’t wait to get back, so we could go on a long ride through the snowy trails. I knew Daryl would insist on coming with me. Ever since I had gotten sick Daryl had barely left my side, and when he did have to go out, he always sent Merle to sit with me. We never talked about the talk we had the night he changed my IV bag. Instead, all we did was argue over what to watch on TV. The Sanctuary had a massive DVD collection full of movies and TV show seasons, so we had plenty of choices, but we never could agree on what to watch until he found the complete set of Lord of the Rings including the Hobbit part one and two. I was shocked at first that Merle liked Lord of the Rings, but I knew better then to say anything. We spent the rest of the day watching The Hobbit in comfortable silence until Daryl came back that evening. The next afternoon, when Daryl went to go hunting and check the snares he had set the day before, we continued watching Part two and talked about the differences between the books and the movies.  
“You ready to go?” Daryl’s gruff voice broke my thoughts, startling me. I turned around giving him a warm smile, nodding my head.  
“Yes, I just finished”, I told him. He took my black backpack out of my hands and slung it over his shoulder. I rolled my eyes irritably.  
“I’m not helpless, you know”, I sighed. I was getting tired of being treated like a baby. Daryl ignored my comment, instead grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the door. Merle silently followed us as we walked down the hall towards the stairs. When we got to the door that lead out into the garage, Daryl helped me put on a soft, thick coat before going out into the cold winter air. “Take her to the truck, I’m going to do a final check on the truck before we head out”, Daryl told Merle. I was about to protest but decided not to. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was getting tired and my legs were starting to grow weak. This was the most I had been up and moving since I got sick. As I walked towards the truck my foot slid on a small patch of ice. I gasped, surprised as Merle’s strong arm wrapped around my waist stopping me from hitting the ground.  
“Thank you”, I whispered, embarrassed.   
“Watch your step”, he grunted, opening the door to the dirty blue truck. Climbing into the truck I was surprised to find the heat already on and a blanket draped over the seat. Merle grabbed the blanket and laid it across my legs tucking it around my waist. I had grown used to Merle’s random acts of kindness since the talk we had. I couldn’t help but smile as the three of us were slowly turning into a small, dysfunctional family. It made my heart fill with happiness. I was starting to feel like a belonged somewhere.  
“You ready to go?” Daryl’s voice broke my thoughts as he climbed into the truck. I turned and smiled.  
“More than ready”, I replied, curling up next to him. He smiled back at me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders as we drove through the gates towards home.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

 

I must have fallen asleep. When I woke up I was in my bed at the church. Moonlight filtered through my window. I saw a mug of still hot tea on my nightstand, I slowly sat up and sipped the sweet-smelling tea, the warm liquid soothed my dry itchy throat. I shivered as I sat the mug back on the nightstand and pulled the blanket around me curling up in a ball. The sound of freezing rain hitting my window filled the room with a soft clinking sound. I wondered how long I had been asleep and where Daryl was. Even though I knew it was ridiculous, I felt anxious. We were at the beginning of figuring out our feelings towards each other and me having separation anxiety was the last thing our relationship needed. Mine and Merle’s conversation kept replaying in my mind. 

  
_“He’s worried about you. You make him happy”, Merle said after he finished hanging the IV bag. His soft tone surprised me. “Not many people do that”, he added._  
_“He makes me happy, too”, I told him._  
_“Good”, he replied. “Don’t break his heart. It’s been broken enough”, he added, his face full of sadness “Let’s just say we didn’t have a pleasant childhood. Give him time, he’ll open up to you.”_

 

I couldn’t help but still wonder what happened in Daryl and Merle’s childhood. I could tell it wasn’t good and was probably the reason why Daryl was as quiet and reserved as he was. The exact opposite of my upbringing with loving parents who were always there to comfort and encourage me. I could never imagine not having them. My heart broke for both Daryl and Merle not having what I had, and I wanted to be there for them and give them all the love that I had. I fell asleep to the sound of the freezing rain and the longing for Daryl’s warms arms around me in my heart.

I woke up a scream in my throat and my head hitting the nightstand as my body hit the floor.   
“Dammit!” I whispered, feeling something wet drip down the side of my face. My heart pounded against my ribs painfully, and tears streamed down my face. I slowly got to my feet, grabbing the side of the nightstand so I wouldn’t tumble back down to the floor as my room spun violently around me. I knew I needed to find help, blood was steadily dripping down off the side of my head, soaking the shoulder of the oversized t-shirt that I was wearing. I struggled to pull on a pair of thick cotton sweatpants and stumbled out the door.  
The freezing rain had turned into a slow drizzle. I wrapped the thin jacket I had put on tightly around me. Shivering, wishing I had put something warmer on, but I had to find Daryl, he would be able help. Sharp, searing pain shot through my head causing me to gasp. Hot, salty tears continued to stream down my face causing me to shiver harder. As I made my way down the wet slippery sidewalk my legs started to grow weak and shake. I barely made it to a bench before they gave out. My silent tears quickly turned into sobs. I was wet, cold, exhausted and had no idea how I was going to make it the rest of the way to Rick’s house.  
“Amber?” Abrahams deep voice startled me. I looked up to see him standing in front of me. He knelt down, taking off his army jacket and wrapping it around my shaking shoulders. “What are you doing out here? Your head’s bleedin’ like a stuck pig and your shaking like a damn leaf!” he exclaimed “D…D….ary…l” I managed to stuttered. My lips struggled to form words, my head felt light on my shoulders everything around me was starting to blur.  
“Shit!” Abraham whispered as he quickly picked me up in a bridal carry before I could fall over. I could feel the vibrations of him talking, but I couldn’t hear anything he was saying.  
The next thing I knew, someone was pounding on a door and lights suddenly being turned on around me and then Rick and Michonne’s worried voices.  
“Bring her into the spare bedroom, I’m going to get the first aid kit and some blankets”, Michonne ordered.  
“What happened?” Rick asked.   
“I’m not sure. I found her sitting on the bench outside, head bleedin and about to pass out, all I could get out of her was Daryl, so I figured best place to take her was ya’lls house”, Abraham answered as he laid me down on something soft.   
“I’ll go get him”, I heard Rick say. I managed to lift my heavy eyelids and watch Rick and Abraham’s blurry forms leave the room.  
“Chonne?”, I slurred.   
“I’m right here.” Her face appeared in front of me “What happened?” She asked as she pressed a warm washcloth to the side of my face, causing me to flinch.  
“Fell…hit my head”, I answered, closing my eyes and moaning softly as she continued to clean the still bleeding gash on the side of my head.  
“You’re going to have to see Tanner in the morning to see if you’re going to need stiches”, Michonne sighed a minute later I groaned my head was pounding relentlessly.  
“Amber”, A gruff voice whispered. I opened my eyes. Daryl was knelt in front of me. I instantly tried to reach for him, he quickly got up sat down on the bed and pulled me into his arms, my head rested against his warm chest. “Rick said you hit your head, what happened?” he asked softly.   
“I had a dream…..it was bad….somehow I hit my head against the nightstand. I fell out of bed”, I told him, embarrassed. “I’m sorry”, I added. Daryl gave me a gentle squeeze.   
“Nothing to be sorry about”, he told me. I looked up and gave him a tired smile.  
“Daryl is going to help me wrap some gauze around your head, so we can get the bleeding to stop.” I jumped I had forgotten Michonne was still in the room. I reluctantly let Daryl sit me up, so they could work together and wrap the stretchy gauze and bandage around my head, the pressure causing me to groan.  
“We’re almost done”, Daryl said in a soothing voice. When they were finished Daryl helped me lay down. I closed my eyes, exhausted.  
“We need to get her out of those wet clothes”, Michonne whispered to him.  
“Go downstairs look in the top drawer of my dresser. There are some spare clothes for Amber. I’ll help her get undressed”, Daryl told her. I was surprised she didn’t object. A second later I heard a door shut, “You okay if I help you?” he asked me. I scoffed.   
“You’ve seen me half naked before. Besides, I don’t think I have a choice.” I opened my eyes to see a small smirk on his face.  
“No, you don’t, but I had to ask”, he replied. We both laughed quietly. A soft knock interrupted the peaceful moment. Michonne opened the door a second later, carrying what looked like a pair of matching pink pajamas. I gave Daryl a look. I didn’t own pink pajamas. Daryl gave me a look that said to not say anything about it. I rolled my eyes as he stood up and took the clothes from Michonne.  
“I hope these work. I’ll leave you two alone”, she said, giving me a look and a smile before leaving and closing the door. I knew the second we were alone she was going to bombard me with questions and “I told you he liked you so’s’.  
“I think our cover’s blown”, I sighed as I weakly attempted to sit up. Daryl grunted irritably, helping me pull my shirt over my head and then helping me pull on the soft cotton pajama top. We didn’t talk anymore. I noticed Daryl was refusing to look at me as he helped me put on clean dry underwear and pajama pants. “Are you mad?” I asked, softly.   
“Kinda”, he replied. My heart froze, filling with fear. I knew I would managed to mess everything up.  
“I’m sorry”, I told him, tearfully. He grunted again, continuing to wrap blankets around me.  
“Should be”, he muttered, causing my heart to start to crumble. “Do you know how dangerous what you did was? I thought we were done with stupid night time outings!” he added angerly. I looked away from him as tears started to stream down my face. Daryl roughly grabbed my chin making me look at him. I was surprised that his eyes showed no anger, just worry and concern. “You scared the hell out of me! You’re lucky Abraham found you!” he snapped. I was about to start apologizing again when he wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tightly. All the words I was about to say died in my throat. I couldn’t help but lean into his chest. Closing my eyes, I could hear his heartbeat in his chest. “You want to stay here or go down to my apartment?” he asked a few minutes later. I wanted to go to his apartment, but I wasn’t sure if I would be able to. The warmth of the blankets felt nice and helped me feel better, but I still felt very weak. As if he could read my mind he let go of me and looked down at me, giving me an understand look. “I can carry you if you feel weak.”   
“Yes. I would like to go downstairs”, I told him, giving him a shy smile. He smiled back getting up and opening the door then walking back over to the bed. He carefully picked me up in a bridal carry, keeping the blankets around me.  
Everyone must have gone back to bed because the house was dark except a few lamps on in the living room and hallway. The door to Daryl’s apartment was cracked open, so Daryl used his foot to open it the rest of the way, and we continued down the stairs.  
Daryl carried me into his bedroom and laid me down on the bed, making to lay my head on one of the few pillows. He then helped me unwrap out of the blankets and get under his soft grey comforter.  
“How are you feeling?” he asked, sitting down on the bed. I shrugged.  
“My head still hurts like bitch and I’m starting to feel like a walking pain in the ass”, I answered honestly. Daryl scoffed, shaking his head, he had a grin on his face  
“You got that right, but my pain in the ass”, he teased. I rolled my eyes.  
“Ha Ha” I said sarcastically, smiling, “Are you going to tell me why you had clothes for me down here?” I blurted out curiously. Daryl looked away his smirk faded away. He seemed nervous which surprised me. He looked away for a minute, then looked back, staring into my eyes.  
“I…uh had them down here in case you needed them. Figured you were tired of sleeping in my t-shirts when you had a nightmare…..and …..was going to ask you if you wanted to move in with me….” He said nervously. My heart started to pound in my chest, shocked that he was asking me to move in. “I wasn’t planning on asking you this so soon, but with what happened tonight…….I worry about you I would feel better knowing you were safe here and not having to walk if you needed me”, he added, anxiously. His eyes full of concern causing my heart to melt. Since my parents had and Conner turned to drugs and alcohol, I had never felt so loved. I wanted to move in with all my heart, but I also knew that if we moved in together that he would want to get intimate and I wasn’t ready for that. I looked away nervously.   
“I….I would love to, but I’m not ready….” I stuttered. My hands started to shake nervously. Daryl took my hands and cupped them in his. I couldn’t help but look back up at him. His blue eyes drew me in.  
“Amber, I’m not expecting or asking to have sex or anything intimate, I just want you safe”, he told me seriously. “And if you want, I won’t sleep in here a lot so you can have the bed and I’ll sleep on the couch unless you need me”, he added. I gave him a warm smile, my heart still pounded against my chest, but felt loved and I knew I was growing to love Daryl even more.   
“I couldn’t kick you out of your bed... or…. anything overly intimate”, I told him honestly. “But I would like to share the bed with you…if that’s okay?” I asked him shyly.   
“Yeah, that’s okay”, he answered, smiling then getting up and carefully climbing over me and getting under the covers pulling me into his arms. My head rested in the crook of his elbow, comfortable with the warmth of his chest against my back.  
“Hey, Daryl?” I asked softly.   
“Hmmm?” he replied.   
“Would it scare you away if I told you I love you?” I asked him nervously. Saying the words out as fast as I could.   
“No”, he answered, then after a minute of silence, “Would it scare you away if I told you I love you too?”, he asked softly. I smiled, taking his hand in mine, holding it tightly.  
“No. I love you Daryl.”  
“I love you, too, Amber.”


	16. Merry Little Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience and waiting over 3 months.   
> Please Review your comments and thoughts would be gratefully appreciated

Stars can’t shine without Darkness

Chapter 16

 Merry Little Christmas

 

Song:  Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas by Josh Groban

 <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjGd3eAgCL8>

 

The next morning Daryl and I sat down with Rick and Michonne and told them about me moving in with Daryl and to make sure it was okay with Rick since technically it was his house. Daryl and I both figured there would be no problem and were prepared for the smiles and happy “finally” looks that we received. After that, we went and talked to Father Gabriel who was okay with it but did give us “the talk” about couples living together. It wasn’t as embarrassing as I thought it would be, but I was relieved when we left his office. I gave Daryl a hug before he left to go set some snares and see if he could catch some game for the community pantry. I decided to start packing up my stuff while he was gone. He told me to not overdo it and to make sure to go see Dr. Tanner when she got back from a supply run to The Hilltop. And, that if I wanted to start moving stuff into “our” apartment I could use his faded blue Toyota Tacoma that was parked in the Aaron and Eric’s garage and handed me the keys. I gave him another hug and told him to be careful before I headed to start packing. With Michonne and Rick’s help we were able to get my small room packed up in a couple hours, and, since I didn’t have a lot of things, mainly clothes, books, and my keyboard, everything fit on the back of Daryl’s truck in one load. Rick and Carl moved the stand and keyboard into the apartment first, while Michonne and I worked together to get the few bags of clothes and two boxes of books inside. I had Rick put my keyboard in the living room against the wall beside the TV, the bags of clothes sat in a neat pile at the foot of the bed and the two boxes of books sat on the coffee table in the living room. Rick had found an old bookshelf in the attic and brought it down, so I would have a place to put my books.

After I finished putting away all my clothes and organizing all my books I decided to practice a few songs for the Christmas play that Father Gabriel was organizing. I decided to start with one of the songs that Father Gabriel wanted me to sing it was also one of my mom’s favorites.

_Silent night, holy night_  
All is calm, all is bright  
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child  
Holy Infant so tender and mild  
Sleep in heavenly peace  
Sleep in heavenly peace

_Silent night, holy night!_  
Shepherds quake at the sight  
Glories stream from heaven afar  
Heavenly hosts sing "Alleluia"!  
Christ, the Saviour is born  
Christ, the Saviour is born

I closed my eyes as I sang, letting the words flow through me, soothing me, and a comforting peace filling my heart.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Daryl POV  


I could hear Amber’s beautiful voice the second I walked through the door. Rick and Michonne, who was holding Judith, stood at the door that lead down to my apartment, listening.

_Silent night, holy night_  
Son of God, love's pure light  
Radiant beams from Thy holy face  
With the dawn of redeeming grace  
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth  
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth

Michonne gave me a big smile when she saw me. I rolled my eyes taking off my winter coat and hanging it on the hook by the door.

“She’s happy”, she whispered to me, giving me a playful shove.

“How long has she been singing?” I asked softly.

“About an hour”, Rick answered, also giving me a smile, then turned to Michonne giving her a, “let’s give them some space” look and walked towards the kitchen.

“Dinner will be ready in thirty”, Michonne told me, smirking before following Rick. I shook my head as I headed down the stairs. I stopped at the bottom and couldn’t help but smile as I watched Amber play, her beautiful voice filling the apartment.

_Silent night, holy night_  
All is calm, all is bright  
Round yon Virgin Mother and Child  
Holy Infant so tender and mild  
Sleep in heavenly peace  
Sleep in heavenly peace

“Sounds good”, I said, softly. Amber turned around giving me a happy smile as she got up and walked over to me and giving me a warm hug.

“I’m glad you like it. Father Gabriel is planning on doing a Christmas service this weekend with a Nativity scene, and he wants me to sing it”, she told me

“You’ll do amazing like you always do”, I assured her. Her eyes lit up at my words I gave her a kiss on the head, “I’m going to take a shower, you should play some more”, I told her. I knew I had to smell like sweat and dirt. She grinned, nodding her head then turned and sat back down in front of the keyboard. Her voice filled the room once more as I turned on the water. I decided to leave the bathroom door cracked so I could hear her sing better.

_Have yourself a merry little Christmas_  
Let your heart be light  
From now on  
Our troubles will be out of sight

_Have yourself a merry little Christmas_  
Make the Yule-tide gay  
From now on   
Your troubles will be miles away, away

_Here we are as in olden days_  
Happy golden days of yore  
Faithful friends who are dear to us  
Gather near to us once more

_Through the years_  
We all will be together  
If the fates allow  
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough  
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now  
Now

_Hang a shining star upon the highest bough_  
And have yourself   
And have yourself   
Oh and have yourself a merry little Christmas now

As I showered, I closed my eyes, letting her voice surround me giving me a sense of peace that I had never felt before and it felt amazing. All the nervousness and fear that I had about asking her to move in with me were gone.

“Dinner’s ready!” Michonne’s voice called from the top of the stairs as I finished drying off and started getting dressed.

I tossed my dirty clothes into a brown wicker basket that sat next to the bathtub, before opening the bathroom door. Amber was still sitting at her keyboard but was now looking through what looked like an old burgundy hymnal, humming what sounded like was a Christmas song.

“You ready to go upstairs?” I asked as I walked over to her. She looked up at me, smiling.

“Yeah, I’m starving. How was your afternoon?” I shrugged.

“It was okay. I reset the snares and caught a couple rabbits and a young buck.”

“That’s good. I’ll go by the pantry in the morning and see if I can get some venison and make us some stew tomorrow night”, Amber replied as we walked up the stairs.

“That sound amazing”, I told her taking her hand.

“What sounds amazing?” Michonne asked as she set a bowl full of biscuits in the center of the table.

“Daryl caught a deer today and I’m going to see if I can get some venison and cook us some venison stew tomorrow night”, Amber replied as we sat down at the dinner table. Carl looked up from buckling Judith into her high chair.

“When do we start practice?” he asked curiously.

“Father Gabriel wants to start the day after tomorrow. Are you still wanting to be a shepherd?” Amber asked Carl.

“Yes! And I was thinking maybe Judith could be one of the angels.”

“I think that is a wonderful idea!” Michonne said, smiling.

“I second that”, Rick added as he poured himself some sweet tea from the glass pitcher on the table before sitting down beside Carl. Amber smiled, her eyes shined with happiness at everyone’s excitement and wanting to be a part of the Nativity scene.

“This is going to be the best Christmas service ever! I can’t wait to tell Father Gabriel tomorrow!” she exclaimed. She glanced at me still smiling and squeezed my hand softly before letting go to take the bowl of mac and cheese that Michonne was handing to her.

“When is Maggie and Jesus coming?” Michonne asked taking a bite of pork chop. Maggie and Jesus had agreed to be Mary and Joseph and Maggie was going to bring Hershel to be baby Jesus. I knew Amber was very excited that they were coming.

“Hopefully tomorrow if the weather is good and it’s safe to travel”, Rick answered as he reached for the bowl of biscuits. “Ezekiel is sending us a truck load of pigs, so every family can have ham for Christmas dinner as a Christmas present”, he added, cheerfully.

“Speaking of Christmas Eve, I was thinking about asking Merle to come to the Nativity and eat Christmas dinner with us”, Amber said, calmly. The room instantly fell silent. Amber rolled her eyes, prepared for this reaction. We both knew everyone tolerated Merle because he was my brother and was the leader of the Sanctuary. Thanksgiving had gone okay because Merle didn’t spend much time eating with the others. Everyone was busy socializing and eating. If he came to eat Christmas dinner with us, it would be much different because it would be just us, in a small house not in a big auditorium, so the others wouldn’t have a choice but to interact with him.

“Amber, I don’t think Merle would want to celebrate Christmas the way we do”, Rick spoke, giving Michonne a skeptical glace as he spoke.

“I agree with Rick. Merle isn’t exactly one to get into the Christmas spirit…. He probably has different plans to celebrate”, Michonne said, laying her fork down on her plate my heart sank knowing they were right. Merle would probably spend Christmas drunk and high just like he always did. Amber sighed irritably.

“Christmas is about Jesus’s birth and spending time with family and Merle is family to Daryl and me. He has done a lot for me that no one knows about and I think everyone should give him a chance. Just like ya’ll gave a junkie stripper a chance.” Amber’s voice was strong and confident. My heart beat hard against my ribs watching Amber stand up for my brother. It made me feel loved and understood. When it came to Merle, the feeling was new to me and brought back memories of when we found him at Woodbury and how no one wanted to accept him being at the prison even after he brought me back from being held captive by the Governor.

Rick sighed heavily shaking his head.

“Okay. Invite him, but make sure he knows no drugs”, Rick said his voice was stern, but his eyes showed understanding as he stared at Amber. Amber smiled.

“I’ll talk to him”, I spoke up. I knew Merle would respond to me better than if Amber tried to talk to him about his drug use. Rick nodded, and we continued to eat. Amber and Michonne started talking about getting some Christmas decorations from the pantry and Rick, Carl and I talked about finding a Christmas tree.

 

After dinner Amber and I sat on the couch in front of the fire place. Amber was curled up beside me with her purple bible. I watched her read intently, completely absorbed. The fire crackled and popped in the background.

“What are you reading?” I asked curiously.

“It’s about Jesus teaching the disciples about prayer. Would you like me to read it to you?” she asked, looking up at me. I wanted to tell her no, but I had to admit I was curious and wanted to try and figure out why she read the Bible so much.

“Sure”, I replied. Her eyes lit up at my answer showing how happy she was that I was willing to learn about what she believed in.

“ _Luke 11,_

_1 Now it came to pass, as He was praying in a certain place, when He ceased, that one of His disciples said to Him, “Lord, teach us to pray, as John also taught his disciples.”_

**_ 2  _ ** _So He said to them, “When you pray, say:_

_Our Father in heaven,_  
Hallowed be Your name.  
Your kingdom come.   
Your will be done  
On earth as it is in heaven.  
**3** Give us day by day our daily bread.  
**4** And forgive us our sins,  
For we also forgive everyone who is indebted to us.  
And do not lead us into temptation,  
But deliver us from the evil one.”

Prayer is very important because it’s how you talk to God”, she added when she finished reading the verses.

“So, you talk and he hears you?” I asked in disbelief. I had done that so many times as a child with no answer. She nodded looking up at me.

“Yes, and he will always hear you, he may not always answer but he’s always there”, she answered seriously. I grunted turning my head, so I could stare into the fire. To me, it was all a lie.

“I find that hard to believe”, I muttered after a while. Amber took my hand.

“It’s hard a first but you have to have faith”, she told me. I scoffed.

“Yeah okay. What kind of person believes in a God who listens but never does anything? It’s pointless.”

Amber let go of my hand and silently got up and walked towards the kitchen. I sighed, _great I royally fucked that up,_ I thought. I had hurt her feelings and I had no idea how to make it up to her. I couldn’t lie to her and suddenly believe everything out of her Bible book. It was only some made up story, right?

I wasn’t sure how long I stared into the fire watching and listening to the logs crackle and pop, trying to figure how to apologize to Amber, until I got up and walked into the kitchen. Michonne and Rick sat at the kitchen table going over future building plans. Michonne gave me a cross look before going back to looking at the blueprints.

“She’s outside on the patio”, Rick said, looking up briefly. I gave him a grunt and a nod before walking by them towards the patio door. The glass door opened with a soft squeak. I could see Amber in one of the lounge chairs, wrapped up in a thick blanket, staring up at the stars. She turned towards me as I sat down in the lounge chair beside her.

“Daryl, I’m not mad”, she sighed before I could say anything. “I understand it’s hard to believe. I just ask you to please respect my beliefs”, she added, taking my hand and giving it a soft squeeze. I was at a loss for words. I expected anger and harsh words, not understanding. I gently squeezed her hand back she shivered slightly.

“Let’s get inside before you catch a cold”, I said gently.

“Can we go riding? The stars are beautiful tonight”, she asked, hopefully. I did agree with her it was a beautiful night the sky was clear, and the moon and stars shown brightly.

“Yeah. We can. Go put on some warmer clothes and I’ll meet you at the stables”, I replied, giving her a smile. She positively beamed as she jumped up and hurried into the house. I couldn’t help but grin at her excitement.

I was almost finished getting Melody and Pepper ready when Amber walked into the barn dressed in warm winter riding clothes. Her raven black hair was tucked into a close-fitting silver knitted pom-pom hat. Her emerald green eyes sparkled with excitement when she reached me and took Melody’s reigns. I noticed where she had hit her head on the nightstand the cut was a deep shade of red and surrounded by a deep ugly blue and black bruise. My eyes narrowed with concern.

“I’m fine”, Amber said, noticing me looking at her head, before continuing to lead Melody out of the barn. I followed her silently with Pepper in tow.

“What did Tanner say?” I asked her as I mounted Pepper. Amber shrugged her shoulder.

“I didn’t get time to go see her today”, she answered, looking away from me as she put her foot in the stirrup and lifted herself up into the saddle. A soft grunt escaped her lips and I couldn’t help but sigh.

“I’m going to take you too see her tomorrow morning”, I told her softly as we rode towards the start of the trail.

“Daryl, I’m fine. I took some Tylenol this morning before Rick and Michonne helped me pack up. Thank you for the use of your truck. I didn’t know you had one. I thought you only had your Harley”, she replied, attempting to change the subject. I decided to let her. I was with her and would take her to see Tanner tomorrow and I doubted she would protest. I knew she didn’t go today because of the excitement of us moving in together, and I couldn’t blame her.

“Rick insisted that I have a vehicle besides my motorcycle when I hurt my shoulder last year”, I told her.  “You can use it whenever you want as long as you promise me you will never go outside the walls alone”, I added. If we were going to live together I wanted us to be able to trust and share everything. I looked over at Amber and was surprised to see a weird look on her face. As if what I told her was a test.

“Are you serious?” she asked in disbelief. Tears starting fall down her cheeks. My heart started to race. I did not expect this reaction. I reached and took her hand. Pepper and Melody snorted at each other, irritated to be so close to one other.

“Amber?” I whispered.

“I’m sorry. I… Just… this is so much to process. I haven’t felt this happy since the world went to shit. I never thought it was possible and it feels so . . . . surreal”, she whispered. I wanted to pull her into my arms and comfort her, but all I could do was squeeze her hand reassuringly. She looked up at me sniffing, then smiled. “Look at me crying over being happy!” We both started laughing. Amber snorted, which started a whole new peal of laughter when we were able to stop to catch our breath. I couldn’t help but stare into her eyes.

“You make me happy”, I whispered to her before letting go of her hand. She smiled at me.

“You make me happy, too”, she whispered back.

We continued down the trail in comfortable silence enjoying the cold winter air. Snow flurries slowly started to fall.

“I want to thank you for sticking up for Merle at dinner”, I said. Nervously glancing at her she smiled at me warmly.

“He’s family, and I think he deserves a chance to be with family on Christmas. Maybe he will come to the Nativity scene”, she said hopefully.

 I scoffed. Merle in a church? Hell would freeze over before he would willingly walk into a church.

“He might come to dinner. I doubt he will come to the play thing”, I told her honestly.

“Its not a play, it’s a Nativity scene”, Amber corrected me smartly. I rolled my eyes.

“Whatever it’s called. I have never seen Merle step foot in a church willingly. If you can accomplish that, you’re a miracle worker.”

“Challenge accepted”, Amber grinned, smugly. I scoffed, knowing she was going to try and find someway to get Merle to the Nativity thing and that it was going to get interesting.

 

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

When we got back to the house, everyone had already gone to bed all the lights were off. The fire place glowed softly allowing us to carefully navigate through the house and to the door of our apartment.

Amber yawned as she sat down on the bed in our room and started to pull her riding boots off. I sat down beside her and started to do the same.

“I’m exhausted”, Amber admitted, yawning again and getting up to get some pajamas out of the dresser. I started to get up to give her some privacy as she changed. “You don’t have to go”, she said. Turning around, I gave her a questioning look. “It’s not like you haven’t seen me in my underwear before”, she said, smirking. I sat back down, speechless. I did not know how to react to her being so trusting and open. The only time I had seen her with very little to no clothes on was when she was drunk or sick.  I watched, mesmerized, as she turned back around and pulled her shirt over her head and toss it into the white dirty clothes hamper by the dresser, then unbuttoned and pulled her pants off. My heart raced. All she had on was a crème colored bra on and light blue boy shorts. I could see part of the Celtic cross tattoo on her ribs up under her armpit.

“How many tattoos do you have?” I asked, trying to take my mind off her being half naked in front of me.

“Three. The two stars on the front of my hips and the cross on my rib cage. The cross is for my parents. I was going to have the dates added but the world went to hell before I could get it done”, she answered as she pulled on a blue oversized t-shirt and black gym shorts on.

“How many do you have?” she asked, curiously. Walking over to me, I looked down embarrassed.

“None, it’s a long story”, I answered. I felt Amber sit down next to me on the bed and wrap her arms around me.

“You don’t have to explain.”  I looked up and our eyes met. I could see the compassion in her eyes. “Merle told me that you have a rough childhood and I understand. I want you to know if you ever do want to talk, I’m here”, she gently offered. I sighed deeply. I felt ashamed, yet I wanted to tell her. I wanted us to be open, honest, with no secrets. A tear slid down my cheek.

“Growing up was rough for me and Merle. Our dad was a drug addict and alcoholic who beat our mom and us whenever he had the chance”, I told her. I stood up, closing my eyes as I slowly pulled my shirt over my head. Amber gasped softly. I was afraid to open my eyes. I just stood there trying to prepare myself for the rejection and disgust.

“Daryl?” Amber spoke softly. I felt her arms wrap around me. When I opened my eyes, I found myself staring into her gorgeous green ones. To my surprise, they were filled with love and understanding. “I love you and nothing is going to change that”, she told me with a soft reassuring smile that made my heart melt. I pulled her close and our lips met in a soft, sweet kiss. Her lips were warm and soft. I could smell the lemon vanilla shampoo she uses. It was intoxicating, and I never wanted the moment to end. When we parted, Ambers eyes glowed with happiness.

“I love you, too”, I whispered we sat back down on the bed and I slowly started to tell her more about my abusive childhood, it wasn’t until dawn that we laid down Amber wrapped her arms around me and hummed soothing hymns until we both fell asleep.


	17. Author note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Author Note

Hello everyone,

Sadly, this is not a chapter update, I need everyone’s thoughts, sadly because of life craziness I do not have a beta to help me with punctuation and grammar and I don’t know when I will be able to find one, so the Chapters that I have written right now are not Beta checked, if you would like me to continue to post them as is please comment below if there is interest I will continue to post.

Another thing I have been deep in thought and am considering on doing is another version of this story that is much darker and could go down an entirely different road I’m not sure if that’s allowed or not, but I am seriously considering doing this.

Thank you for your time,

Crossbow Angel


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